


The Selfishness of Our Hearts.

by sarajinki



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Heartbreak, M/M, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-09-23 17:24:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 67,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20343883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarajinki/pseuds/sarajinki
Summary: Jonghyun is finally happy with his life. He is in love and things are looking up for him. But the heart follows its own rules and might threaten it all.I suck at writing descriptions. XD





	1. Safe place.

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posting from AFF @sarajinki
> 
> Wrote this from 2013 to ... 2016 XD. It's my proudest fic achievement!!! ^^
> 
> Hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think !!! <3

Jonghyun checked himself in the mirror. He looked rather proper with his white shirt, black and grey cardigan and his black skinny jeans. His silver hair also looked irreproachable. It was coiffed nicely, showing the shave sides of his head. Nonetheless, he turned and turned, checking out every angle of his body; he really wanted to look perfect. 

A cracking sound on the wood floor made him turn his gaze towards the door. His boyfriend had a huge smile on his face as he stepped closer.

‘Jjong, you look amazing,’ Key said before planting a kiss on his cheek.

The older one smirked and wrapped his arms around the taller one’s waist. ‘I want to make a good impression.’ He then laughed nervously. ‘I don’t want your family to hate me,’ he finished as he held his boyfriend into a tight embrace.

Key sighed. ‘Stop worrying, baby.’ He nuzzled his neck in a soothing way. ‘They’re going to love you, I promise.’

Jonghyun pulled back and stared into his dark eyes. ‘Okay.’ He inched closer again and captured the other one’s lips. The contact appeased him, leading him to deepen the kiss. Delicate hands settled to the back of his neck as he pressed their bodies together. Nothing else mattered now; he wanted more. His hands found their way to Key’s belt, but his next step was brought to a halt.

‘We need to go,’ Key breathed. His face was flushed and his lips brightly reddened from the kiss.

Jonghyun groaned. ‘Just let me have you. I’ll be quick,’ he whispered against his ear. He heard Key’s muffled moan and smiled. ‘It’s no use fighting me, you should know that by now.’

‘Jjong, being late wouldn’t make a good impression,’ the younger one reasoned. He then caressed his cheek. ‘Later, okay?’

Jonghyun rolled his eyes. ‘Okay, but I need to use the bathroom then.’ He walked away, slightly irritated.

Key snorted. ‘Okay, but don’t take too long.’

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

The car stopped in front of a huge colonial house. It was the first time Jonghyun was seeing one like that. From the get-go, Key had told him about his family’s wealth and even though the latter hadn’t gone into the details, it wasn’t hard to believe. His boyfriend shopped excessively.

This on the other hand was on a whole other level. The house was magnificent and he could already imagine how amazing the interior looked. But by the time they were standing in front of the front door, his astonishment had died and his hands had gotten sweaty. He was even more nervous now. He had always had the perception that people with money were harsh and judgemental. And right now, his mind was holding on to that.

The door finally opened, revealing a smiling middle aged-man. His eyes almost disappeared as his smile got wider.

‘Kibum,’ he exclaimed.

‘Father,’ he replied politely. Key reached in for a hug which the man immediately gave into.

Jonghyun’s eyes widened. He wasn’t mentally prepared for this. He waited there in fear and when they pulled apart, Key’s eyes met his. ‘Father, this is Jonghyun. Jonghyun this is my father,’ he said.

The father in question looked him up and down and then held out his hand for him to shake. He did just that, simultaneously bowing his head in respect. ‘Nice to meet you, Mr. Lee,’ he uttered, trying to look composed.

The man smiled. ‘I’m glad to finally meet you.’ He gestured them to come in, which they did.

As Jonghyun as expected, the interior was astonishing. Everything he had pictured was there: a gorgeous chandelier, a curving staircase, a monumental wood table, fancy paintings and a level of cleanliness he had never seen before in his life. Valets took their coats and domestics wandered around, doing this and that. They finally arrived to the salon, where tons and tons of people were chatting and laughing.

Their arrival caused most of them to stop their conversations and gaze at them. His boyfriend’s name echoed across the room as they approached to greet him. Then, it was the introduction part. Key would say ‘This is Jonghyun’ and then they would reply, ‘It’s finally nice to meet the man we’ve heard so much about.’ It was nice to see that Key’s family was so accepting. It was a nice change from his family.

After what seemed like an eternity, all the introductions were made and he finally allowed himself to go get a drink at the back of the room. Various drinks were aligned on the refined table, but Jonghyun picked out rum as always. He watched as Key travelled across the room, catching up with everyone. He sighed. Sometimes, he wished he had his social ease.

He downed his glass. The warm sensation that ran through his body instantly made him relax. He turned to pick up the bottle again, but a hand on his made him jump. He took his away, eyes falling upon the person the other hand belonged too.

‘Sorry,’ the young man uttered. A beautiful eye smile illuminated his face; he looked embarrassed.

‘It’s okay…’ Jonghyun replied a little taken aback. He had never seen this person before, but yet his face looked familiar. He stared at him, trying to figure it out. Then his gaze went down to his hand that was pouring rum into a glass.

‘It’s my tactic too,’ the stranger said as he passed him the bottle.

‘What?’ Jonghyun asked, as he poured himself another drink.

The other one laughed and ran a hand through his blonde hair. ‘Drink and stay in a corner,’ he explained.

‘I… well yeah. That works for me,’ Jonghyun acknowledged. ‘I thought I had been introduced to everyone. Who are you?’ he asked, curious.

The taller one held his hand out. ‘I’m Lee Jinki,’ he said with a dazzling smile.

Jonghyun’s eyes widened again. ‘You’re Kibum’s brother,’ he voiced, shaking the other one’s hand.

‘You know me?’

‘I’m Kibum’s boyfriend.’ Jonghyun watched as Jinki’s smile grew wider. And then it clicked. He knew why his face seemed familiar. He had the same eye smile his father had been flashing earlier.

‘I’ve heard so much about you,’ the blonde said.

‘I’ve heard a lot about you too, Jonghyun echoed. Key had talked about him countless times, making him curious to know more about the man. Now that he was facing him, he could see why his boyfriend loved his brother so much. He just had this warm aura to him.

Before he could say another word, Key suddenly appeared, wrapping his arms around his brother’s neck. Jinki held him tight, a sweet smile cracking his lips. ‘Long time no see, Bummie,’ he pointed out as he pulled back.

‘It’s your fault for leaving for so long,’ Key retorted as he playfully hit his arm.

The older one laughed. ‘Well yeah, I’m sorry about that.’

‘I see you’ve met my boyfriend,’ Key observed as he wrapped an arm around Jonghyun’s waist.

‘Yes.’

‘So?’

‘What can I say, Kibum? You’ve always had great taste in men,’ the other one replied with a laugh.

Jonghyun felt his cheeks heat up in what he hoped wasn’t an apparent blush.

Key laughed too. ‘Well yeah, but this one is really special.’

‘I’m really happy for you, little brother.’ Jinki pulled him in for another hug before adding, ‘I should go socialize with other people now, you know, so I don’t get scolded later.’

He walked away, leaving them alone.

‘So what do you think of my brother?’ Key asked eagerly.

‘He’s really nice.’

‘I’m glad you think so. Well, come on, we need to go talk to other people too,’ the brunette said as he grabbed his arm.

‘Yeah,’ Jonghyun agreed reluctantly before being dragged away from his safe place. 


	2. Fate.

‘So how was it?’ Minho scoffed.

Jonghyun glared at his best friend. ‘For you information, it wasn’t that bad.’ His mind went back to that night. ‘In fact, it was kind of nice,’ he added with a smile.

‘Well that’s too bad. I was so ready to laugh at you for having to go through that painful experience,’ Minho taunted.

A jab in the ribs was the only answer Jonghyun gave him. He then took a sip from his beer.

‘So how’s the family? Give me more details, Jjong,’ the younger one insisted.

Jonghyun sighed. ‘They’re just...nice.’ He looked down to his bottle. ‘Especially his brother...’ he trailed.

‘What?’ Minho exclaimed. ‘I would’ve thought him to be as much of a pain in the ass as Kibum,’ he continued.

‘Minho, that’s my boyfriend you’re talking about!’ Jonghyun reminded, voice laced with anger. He was used to it by now; Minho had never liked Kibum. He had always seen him as a shallow and pretentious bitch, but that’s because he had never taken the time to see past his defences.

‘Oh yeah, I’m sorry,’ his friend replied dismissively. ‘So ... You’re all like a happy family now?’

Jonghyun could feel the angst in his tone. ‘I’ve only met them once. I can’t tell if they liked me or not.’

‘I’m sure they did, Jjong. Who wouldn’t?’

The older one smiled. ‘Now I remember why you’re my best friend,’ he teased.

Minho sneered. ‘You don’t deserve me,’ he retorted playfully.

‘Couldn’t you stay sweet a little while longer?’ Jonghyun reproached with a laugh.

Minho shrugged. ‘Sweet is not my style.’

Jonghyun rolled his eyes. Even though Minho could be quite a jerk at times, he was happy to see him again after such a long time. It was hard not being around him all the time like before.

‘So have you met anyone?’ Jonghyun inquired. 

‘You know I always meet ‘someone’, but they’re never worth talking about,’ Minho shrugged off.

Before Jonghyun could answer, his phone started ringing. He sighed and looked at the caller ID. Wasting no time, he answered. ‘Hi, baby,’ he said, ignoring the other one’s disgusted face. He listened to his boyfriend, interjecting briefly. As he put his phone down, he noted Minho’s frown.

‘You’re leaving?’ he exclaimed.

‘Yeah, going to eat with Bummie and his brother,’ he explained as he got off the sofa. His beer had been barely touched and he looked at it longingly before setting it on the table. He was feeling nervous again.

The younger one crossed his arm. Jonghyun felt bad. He hated cutting their time short, but he couldn’t just turn down this supper. ‘I’ll make it up to you, I promise.’

‘Whatever.’ Minho turned his body towards the TV and opened it. A sigh left the other one’s lips as he took his stuff and got out.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jonghyun’s ears were filled with buzzing conversations as he stepped into the restaurant. A quick glance around the place was all it took to locate them. Earlier on the phone, he had agreed to meet them here, but now it was past the hour they had decided upon. Once again, he hadn’t been able to leave his reflection, looking out for any little flaw there might have been in his outfit or his hair and when finally he had felt satisfied, he had stepped out, realizing only later on that he was late.

Approaching with shy steps, he finally made it to their booth. Key immediately gazed at him, his expression betraying a little annoyance. Jonghyun tried to ignore it and just sat down beside his boyfriend. He greeted Jinki with a nod and an apologetic smile.

‘Why are you late?’ Key couldn’t help but ask.

Jonghyun knew better then to roll his eyes at that moment. Instead he just said ‘I didn’t see the time.’

The brunette clicked his tongue, totally unsatisfied by the answer. ‘You didn’t see the time...’ he emphasized to show how ridicule he thought it sounded.

Jinki laughed. ‘Come on, Kibum. Give him a chance,’ he interjected as he smiled at the other one. ‘Plus, he’s not even that late,’ he pointed out.

Jonghyun nodded. It was true. He was 20 minutes late. That wasn’t a crime.

His boyfriend rolled his eyes. ‘Always being comprehensive, huh?’ he uttered accusingly. ‘You’re supposed to be on my side.’

‘What, you want me to scold Jonghyun?’ the blonde inferred.

The appointed one broke into laughter, causing the other two to stare at him. ‘I’m sorry, but the images...’ His words were cut by another laughing fit.

‘You are so immature sometimes,’ Key said. He picked up his menu and looked at it again. ‘So guys, we should choose something before that waiter comes back again.’

They did just that and when the waiter finally came back, they gave their orders. As they waited, Key and his brother talked about this and that, catching up on each other’s lives. Jonghyun learned that Jinki had been travelling a lot this past year all over Asia and Europe and even spending some time in the States. He envied him. He had never had the chance to go anywhere. His financial situation never permitted it and even now that he was doing better for himself and had a boyfriend that was ready to support him, he was reluctant. He wasn’t used to such luxury.

Finally, their plates arrived and all they dug in immediately. A few minutes passed in silence, hunger leaving no place for words. Jonghyun was enjoying his pasta so much to the point of fading out the rest. He heard them getting back into conversation, but to his ears, it resonated like indistinctive vibrations. He was finally brought back to reality when Key’s phone started ringing. The latter took it out and answered. After some arguing, he put it down, looking angry.

‘What was that about?’ Jonghyun asked, worried.

‘My assistant told me a client showed up unexpectedly and wants to meet me,’ he explained sourly.

‘Now?’ Jinki inquired.

‘Yes... I said no though,’ he added quickly.

‘Bummie, I know how important your reputation is to you. You never turn down a client,’ Jonghyun reminded.

‘I know, but this is more important,’ Key replied. He dragged his fork against the ceramic plate.

Jonghyun knew the younger one was debating with himself whether to stay or to go. ‘Baby, go,’ he insisted. Then he was hit by realization. ‘I mean, well... if Jinki doesn’t mind,’ he corrected, embarrassed.

‘Yeah, you should go. We can do this again another time,’ Jinki reassured with a smile.

The brunette sighed. ‘I hope I haven’t lost him,’ he said putting his phone to his ear. Another quick squabble happened then he hung up. ‘Okay, my assistant is working on bringing him back to my office,’ he told them as he got up.

Jonghyun moved out of the seat to let him pass. As they faced each other, they exchanged a quick kiss before Key turned to his brother. ‘See you later,’ he intoned apologetically, before walking away.

Sitting back into the booth, Jonghyun suddenly realized that he was alone with his boyfriend’s brother. He wasn’t that good with talking to people he barely knew and being that it was someone important in Key’s life, it was going to be even more nerve-wracking.

‘So...what now?’ he asked shyly.

‘What do you mean?’ Jinki asked back with a frown.

‘Are we staying or...’ Jonghyun felt really uncomfortable. He suddenly wished Key came back.

‘Why not? I want to learn more about you,’ he admitted softly.

The younger one felt his body heat up. Attention was not something he was yet accustomed to.

‘Plus, you haven’t finished your plate,’ Jinki pointed out with a cute laugh.

‘Oh yeah, that’s true,’ he realized. He picked up his fork and picked on a linguini for a few seconds. The truth was he wasn’t really hungry anymore. As he looked over, he saw that Jinki wasn’t even touching his plate.

‘Aren’t you going to finish that?’ he asked.

‘No. I’m much more in the mood for some rum right now,’ he said, wiggling his brows.

Jonghyun laughed. ‘I would like some myself too.’

‘Okay, well let’s get that guy to take away those plates and bring us his finest bottle,’ the blonde uttered excitedly.

What was said was done and they soon found themselves pouring the alcohol into their glasses. Jinki was the first the take a sip and he watched as his companion did the same.

‘Kibum seems really happy...’ he started. He turned his glass a few times on the table before adding, ‘And I’m pretty sure you have a lot to do with it so thank you.’

‘I don’t know about that... I’ve always had the impression that he brought me more than I to him,’ Jonghyun admitted.

‘What do you mean?’ Jinki asked.

‘I mean that he’s beyond what I deserve,’ the younger one answered simply. Realizing the gravity of his words, he downed his glass and poured himself another one.

‘I believe in fate. So I believe that you two met for a reason; because you are good for each other.’ he exposed smoothly. 

Jonghyun was a little taken aback. A million thoughts occurred in his mind before he found himself asking, ‘Are you in love?’

Jinki shook his head. ‘Haven’t met that special someone yet,’ he replied as their eyes locked. 


	3. Intrigued.

Jonghyun rolled onto his side as he felt the other one stir under their sheets. ‘You’re not leaving, are you?’ he asked sleepily.

‘You know I have to work,’ Key replied with a sigh. He started removing the sheets from his body, but a sudden grip on his arm brought him to halt. ‘Jjong, not now, please,’ he pleaded.

The older one ignored his plea and left a trail of kisses along his neck, his warm breath brushing against his soft skin. ‘You work so much lately. You need to relax,’ he whispered into his ear. Not waiting for a reply, he moved over, his strong body dominating the lithe one. He went right back to his neck, kissing and sucking gently, feeling his boyfriend’s body tense up under him.

‘See? You need this,’ he reiterated as he grinded against him.

A loud moan escaped Key’s bowed lips. ‘Jjong...’ he breathed. Before he could add another word, his lips were captured into a hungry kiss. Unable to resist, he let Jonghyun’s tongue take over his mouth while his fingers threaded through his bleached hair.

‘I seriously need to go,’ Key heaved, once their lips parted. He watched as Jonghyun’s jaw contracted. He felt bad for doing this to him again, but he had no choice. ‘I’ll make it up to you tonight, okay?’ he assured as his hand caressed his cheek.

Jonghyun groaned before rolling back to his side of the bed. He was angry. He missed spending quality time with his boyfriend. He wasn’t the type to ask for much, but he still needed a little bit of attention.

‘Jonghyun, please don’t be mad at me,’ Key begged.

A sigh left his plump lips. ‘I’m not mad... Well, yeah I am, but it’s just because I miss you,’ he explained as their eyes locked.

Key inched closer and their lips met again for a sweet kiss. ‘I miss you too,’ he said before getting up.

Jonghyun watched him walk away. He was still pissed, but there was nothing he could do about it now. Either he went back to sleep or he found something constructive to do with his time. ‘_Maybe I could call Minho_,’ he thought. Ever since the other day, when he had left for that supper, Minho hadn’t contacted him. And he was usually the one to do it first.

Picking up his phone, which was always by his side on his nightstand, he selected his number. The first ring had him on edge; he was scared of falling on an angry Minho. But then it kept ringing and no one picked up so he hung up, feeling a little sad. Knowing that he would end up sulking, he got off the bed and started his morning routine.

He wasn’t planning on leaving the house, but he still wanted to look good just in case. After brushing his hair and putting on some decent clothes, he walked up to their living room. Now that Key had left, he needed to find a way to kill time. He looked over at the TV; he knew he’d get bored after five minutes. Then, he looked over at his laptop. It just reminded him of school so he dropped that option. In despair, he walked over to the bookshelf and rummaged through the books. His eyes suddenly caught an odd looking book. Well it wasn’t odd, it just stood out because it didn’t have a cover; it looked like a script.

He pulled it out and looked at the front page. His eyes widened as he read the author’s name. ‘Lee Jinki?,’ he gasped. He flipped quickly through the pages and found out that it wasn’t a script, it was a novel. A 411 pages long novel. Jonghyun had never been much of a reader, but he was definitely curious now. Of all the things they had talked about the other night, never once had Jinki mentioned that he was a writer.

Slouching on a sofa, he started reading. The first few pages had him gathering every bit of concentration he could, but soon enough he was hooked. And then he read, and read, and read, falling in more and more into the story.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jonghyun jumped, startled by the sound of Key’s voice. He hadn’t even heard him enter.

‘Are you deaf?’ The brunette walked closer to him. ‘I’ve called your name like three times already.’ He sounded tired and slightly irritated.

‘I’m sorry, I was...’ Jonghyun looked down to the papers. ‘Reading,’ he finished as he got up. Wrapping his arms around his lover, he greeted him with a kiss. ‘You look exhausted,’ he pointed out as his eyes travelled across his face.

Key snorted. ‘Yeah, I had to deal with a capricious client. She would always find something wrong with the dresses I proposed and wouldn't leave until she found the right one,’ he explained, weary.

‘And did she?’ Jonghyun inquired.

‘What?’

‘Find the right dress,’ he precised.

‘No. I told her we could meet again tomorrow,’ he said with a roll of his eyes.

Jonghyun laughed. ‘I’m sure it’ll go better tomorrow. You’re an incredible personal stylist.’ He set a hand on his cheek. ‘Never forget that,’ he stressed.

‘I won’t,’ he replied with a soft smile. He looked over at the sofa. ‘Is that Jinki’s novel?’ he asked, surprise illuminating his face.

‘Yeah...’

‘You’re reading it?’ he expressed loudly.

‘Well yeah, I found it and I was curious so I started reading,’ he explained, not sure if he should be apologizing or not.

‘Oh. So how do you find it so far?’ the brunette asked.

‘It’s really good,’ Jonghyun answered, relieved. ‘I mean it’s really sad and all, but I couldn’t stop reading.’

‘I’m glad you like it. I’ve never actually read one of his novels. Just his short stories. That’s probably why he hands them over to me,’ Key observed.

Jonghyun frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

‘My brother is very insecure when it comes to his writing. Well actually, he’s pretty insecure about a lot of things, but with his writing its worse. So knowing that I won’t read them feels safe I guess.’

‘Did he ever publish?’

‘No, he just prints them and then they end up here,’ Key replied.

‘Why doesn’t he just keep them?’ Jonghyun asked, confused.

‘He seriously thinks his stuff is crap so when he’s done with a story it’s like he wants to forget about it after.’ Key shrugged. ‘I’ve talked to him about it many times, but he still won’t own up to his talent.’

‘I see...’ Jonghyun mused.

‘So what’s that story about?’ Key asked.

‘Hmmm... It’s basically about a man who gets his heart crushed by his lover so he decides to kill him. But even after his death, he’s still obsessed with him and ‘talks’ to him,’ Jonghyun explained.

Key snorted. ‘That doesn’t surprise me.’

‘What do you mean?’ the older one asked for the second time that evening.

‘His main characters always resemble him. A man who loses it after getting his heart crushed? That’s Jinki all over.’

‘Seriously?’ Jonghyun uttered.

‘Yeah. He never meets the good guys and then he grows attached to them too quickly and then they break his heart. I’ve always had to pick him up after those heartbreaks so he wouldn’t let himself go completely. That brother of mine is extremely sensitive,’ Key stated with a sigh.

‘Well he’s lucky to have you then,’ Jonghyun said with a smile.

‘Yeah, but I’m lucky to have him too.’ Key yawned. ‘Jjong, I know I said I would make it up to you but...’

‘It’s okay,’ he interjected. ‘I wanted to read some more anyways,’ he reassured.

After sharing a goodnight kiss, Key left. Jonghyun picked up the book again, but his thoughts were taking up all the space, making him unable to concentrate. He was really intrigued. He definitely wanted to find out more about Jinki now.


	4. Too close.

Days and days had gone by since he had finished Jinki’s book. And even though the reading was over, the mark it left on him lingered. He was troubled yet fascinated by it. He couldn’t get through his head that someone like him could’ve written a book like that. His warmth and easy-going personality gave no hint of such darkness. But like the adage said, one should never judge a book by its cover.

And so he kept pacing and asking himself if he should call him or not. He had the number now. Kibum had gladly given it to him, even though a warning had ensued. _‘Maybe you shouldn’t tell him you’ve read it just yet,’ _the brunette had said a few days ago. But he was tired of being afraid and was eager to see the blonde again. He just had to pick up his phone and...

A sudden ringing sound made him jump. Heart racing, he looked at the number and sighed.

‘Hello?’ he answered, a little disappointed.

‘Okay... What’s with that tone?’ Minho asked.

Jonghyun bit down on his lip. ‘Nothing, I just... I’m tired,’ he lied.

‘I see... Well are you too tired to go see a movie with me?’

‘Um... Yeah. I was going to take a nap so... Maybe another time?’ he put off as a pang of guilt ran through him.

He could feel Minho’s anger. It pained him to wriggle his way out of nice time with his best friend, but he couldn’t put off what he had wanted to do for days now any longer.

‘Look, we can see each other tomorrow, okay?’ the older one offered.

‘Who says I’m free tomorrow?’ Minho retorted.

A sigh escaped from Jonghyun’s lips. ‘Are you?’

‘Yes,’ the younger one muttered.

‘Fine then,’ he replied before hanging up.

Now that this was dealt with, his mind could fully concentrate on the main issue. It shouldn’t have been so complicated, but for some weird reason it was. In some way, he felt like he had gotten too close; like he had violated his intimacy. And at the same time, he felt totally ridiculous for feeling so guilty. It was just a damn book.

_‘But he needs to know that it’s good,’_ he thought as he finally brought himself to dial the number.

It rang and rang and rang again, until the voicemail was heard. He hung up feeling more bothered than he should. Putting his phone on his nightstand, he let himself drop on his bed considering making his lie a truth. And then, his phone started ringing and this time no sigh escaped his lips as he looked at the caller ID.

‘Hello?’ he answered quickly.

‘Hi?’ Jinki replied, puzzled.

‘It’s me Jonghyun,’ he replied.

‘Oh, hi,’ the blonde repeated a little surprise.

‘I’m sorry... Maybe it’s a little creepy, but I asked for your number...’ he explained while his eyes shut. He felt stupid.

‘No, that’s fine. I’m glad,’ Jinki said with a smile.

‘Okay well... I was wondering what you were doing tonight. I was thinking we could hang out...’ he exposed as he felt his stomach knot.

‘Well I was going to the opera... unless you want to join?’ he suggested.

_‘Opera.’ _He rolled his eyes. ‘Yeah, sure. But... I would need a ticket,’ Jonghyun pointed out.

‘I have one actually. I was supposed to go with my father, but he isn’t feeling so well,’ the blonde explained.

‘Okay, I’ll go then.’

‘Good. I’ll pick you up in an hour,’ Jinki indicated before they both hung up.

Jonghyun cocked an eyebrow. This was definitely not how he had envisioned spending his night.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Key walked into their room. His mouth dropped instantly at the sight of his boyfriend.

‘Where are you going dressed up like that?’ he asked, surprise written all over his face.

‘Um, I’m going to the opera,’ Jonghyun muttered.

‘I think I must be hearing things, because I swear you just said the word ‘opera’,’ the brunette scoffed.

‘I did,’ he replied as he turned to look at the other one.

Key snorted. ‘Seriously?’ he intoned with frustration. ‘I’ve tried to drag your ass there so many times, but you’ve always been categorical about not wanting to go. You said it sounded boring,’ he added, voice straining with anger.

If there was one thing Key really didn’t like was when someone turned him down. And that’s why Jonghyun understood the little fit. ‘I know and I’m sorry,’ he said as he walked closer to him. A quick peck on the lips seemed to settle him a little. ‘I just called your brother and he proposed, so to not sound like a jerk, I said yes,’ he explained, as his hand caressed the taller one’s cheek. He watched as his boyfriend’s face relaxed, relieved that he had won this round.

‘Okay,’ Key breathed. He inched closer for a kiss which the other gave into immediately. And then he was back to his usual self again. ‘You look amazing,’ he said as he looked at the black suit and the navy blue tie his boyfriend was wearing.

‘Thank you,’ Jonghyun replied with relief. He had been worried about his outfit for the last fifteen minutes, unaware of what people wore at that kind of event. To be sure, he had gone for a classic look and was pleased to see that the expert agreed with it. He looked at himself for a last time in the mirror, fixing his hair and straightening out his outfit.

Finally, the doorbell was heard and Jonghyun watched as Key skipped out of their room. The knot in his stomach was back again. He suddenly wished he had taken a few drinks before leaving. But it was too late now. The familiar voice of his boyfriend’s brother could be heard in the distance and he didn’t have much choice but to show his face.

He walked towards them, trying his best not to look awkward.

‘Hi, Jonghyun,’ Jinki greeted joyfully.

‘Hi,’ he replied with a little less enthusiasm. He was starting to feel like this was not such a good idea.

‘Okay, well I’ll let you two go,’ Key said, before turning to Jonghyun. ‘Please behave,’ he whispered.

Jinki laughed. ‘I’m sure he will.’

‘Let’s go,’ Jonghyun pressed. _‘Before I change my mind.’ _

They both walked out and headed to the car. It was a simple black car at first look, but then the details gave out how expensive it might really be. He tried not to let his awe show too much as he got in and waved a last time at his boyfriend. He didn’t know if he would ever get used to those kinds of things. It had been almost two years now since he was with Key, but they never failed to amaze him.

‘So how are you doing?’ Jinki asked cordially.

Jonghyun looked at him. With his nerves taking over him, he hadn’t noticed how good the other one looked. It was his first time seeing him with his hair pulled back and frankly it was a very pleasant sight. His suit was in a midnight blue tone, just like he had heard Key say once or twice. And his face... he was just radiating. It was hard to believe this person could’ve been pained.

‘Jjong?’ Jinki uttered, bringing him back to reality.

‘I’m fine,’ he answered a little embarrassed.

The blonde just smiled.

‘So how long until we get there?’ Jonghyun inquired.

’45-50 minutes maybe,’ Jinki said, sounding almost apologetic.

‘Oh.’ This certainly wasn’t going to be the most awkward car ride ever.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

They were 35 minutes into the presentation and Jonghyun already had enough. He had tried to let himself be taken away by the theatrics and the singing, but the charm just didn’t seem to rub off on him. It just wasn’t his thing. But every time he took a quick glance Jinki’s way, he could see that for him it was a whole other story. He was completely absorbed by it and Jonghyun once again wished he could get into his head.

When the intermission was finally announced, Jonghyun felt relief wash over him. He did feel blessed to be in a place like that, but he couldn’t wait to get out of it either. As they stepped out into the lobby, Jonghyun felt a hand on his shoulder.

‘We can leave,’ Jinki said knowingly.

Jonghyun’s eyes widened despite him. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I know you’re not enjoying yourself,’ he said with a laugh.

The younger one was truly baffled. Either his poker face wasn’t on point or this man had some kind of superpower.

‘No, I love it... It’s, it’s really... nice, he stuttered.

That just made the blonde laugh even harder. ‘Okay, well I want to leave,’ he admitted.

‘Really?’ Jonghyun exclaimed.

‘Yes,’ the other one replied simply as he grabbed his arm.

They walked out of the theatre and stopped on the sidewalk.

‘Is there some place you’d like to go?’ Jinki asked.

‘Not really...’ Jonghyun looked down. ‘You didn’t really want to leave, did you?’

Hands in his pockets, the blonde said, ‘Not really.’

‘Well, let’s...’

‘No, we don’t have to go back,’ he cut in.

‘What about your tickets?’ Jonghyun pointed out.

‘I’ll find others easily,’ Jinki reassured. ‘Come on,’ he continued, ‘Let’s go to...oh, to that restaurant we went the other day,’ he proposed.

‘Okay,’ the younger one agreed, guilt eating at him.

‘Stop worrying about the opera,’ Jinki insisted.

Jonghyun didn’t know how he could read him so well. It was troubling.

They soon found themselves right back into the car.

‘So what have you been up to lately?’ the blonde asked as he started driving.

‘Um... not much. I’ve just been...’ Jonghyun paused. This was his chance. ‘I’ve been reading a lot,’ he finished.

‘Oh, reading what?’

Jonghyun suppressed a smile. Exactly the question he was waiting for. ‘Your book,’ he voiced.

And then, as he looked at him, he knew he had screwed up. Jinki’s expression had become serious and no word came out from his mouth during the minutes that followed.

Biting the inside of his cheek, Jonghyun tried to think of something to say.

The older one saved him the effort. ‘I think I should bring you back home.’

Jonghyun flinched. He didn’t like that tone. Unable to find his words, he just nodded.

He had ruined everything.


	5. Sensitive subject.

‘Why are you sulking?’ Minho asked feeling a little irritated.

Jonghyun let out a sigh. ‘I... I’m just not having a good day,’ he replied as he played with the zipper of his shirt. He knew he wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around right now, but he couldn’t help it.

‘Jjong... you know I’m not going to let this go until you tell me the truth,’ Minho said as he turned off the television.

‘I screwed up,’ the older one finally confessed. He could feel the ache in his body. And he wasn’t sure why it hurt so much, but it did.

‘What do you mean? What happened?’ Minho pressed.

‘I upset someone and now I’m afraid they won’t talk to me again,’ he explained.

Minho rolled his eyes. ‘Jonghyun, details please.’

‘I told Jinki that I read his book...’

‘Um... okay...’ Minho frowned. ‘I don’t see what the problem is.’

‘I guess it’s...’

‘Wait,’ Minho cut in. ‘Did you see Kibum’s brother yesterday??’ he exclaimed.

‘Yes...’ Jonghyun admitted with guilt.

‘Oh so you were too tired to go out with me, but with him it’s a different matter huh?’ the younger one fumed.

‘Look, I’m really sorry. But it just came up suddenly and I couldn’t say no to my boyfriend’s brother,’ he pointed out even though he knew he had no excuse.

Minho didn’t say a word. He just looked at him.

Jonghyun waited, but got no answer. ‘Please don’t give me the silent treatment. I can’t have another person being mad at me right now.’

‘Well maybe that’s what you deserve,’ Minho finally said as he crossed his arms.

Jonghyun knew how his best friend could get. There was nothing he could say to appease him. ‘I can go if you want,’ he proposed.

Minho’s eyes shifted quickly side to side, revealing his internal debate. ‘No, stay,’ he uttered.

‘Okay,’ Jonghyun said as he slouched down again on the sofa.

‘Go on with what you were saying,’ Minho reminded.

‘Oh... well I guess it’s a sensitive subject, his writing I mean, and he just didn’t want anyone to read his stuff,’ he resumed with a sigh.

He now understood how stupid he had been. Key had warned him, but caught up in the moment he had just let it out and ruined a nice night.

‘Why wouldn’t he want people to read it? That’s stupid,’ Minho stated.

Jonghyun gave him a deadly stare. It wasn’t stupid. Not at all.

His phone started ringing, putting a stop to whatever he was about to say. The number he saw on there made his heart jump.

‘Hello?’ he answered with a faint tremble.

‘Hi,’ Jinki replied with a tone that showed some embarrassment.

Jonghyun waited for him to continue, but all he could hear was soft breathing at the other end of the line. ‘Um... what’s up?’ he brought himself to say, unable to bear with the silence.

‘What are you doing right now?’ the blonde asked shyly.

‘I’m at a friend’s house, why?’

‘Oh, well I’ll call you later then,’ he immediately said.

‘No, no, you can talk to me,’ Jonghyun quickly reassured. He caught Minho’s exasperated face, but shrugged it off.

‘I just wanted to apologize for yesterday... I’m really really sorry, Jonghyun.’

Jonghyun’s mouth dropped open before he gathered his thoughts and said, ‘I never thought you would call me. I felt so bad for making you mad.’

‘I’m sorry for making you feel that way,’ Jinki apologized again.

And then before the other could think of something to say, he added, ‘I also feel like I owe you an explanation so I would really like for us to meet up sometime soon...later, perhaps?’

‘Okay,’ Jonghyun answered with a smile.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jonghyun could feel the alcohol go right to his head as he danced around the room. He knew he was probably giving the other one a most ridiculous sight, but he was having fun and didn’t want to stop. He brought the mic to his lips again as the lyrics showed up on the screen and few seconds later, he broke into song as he moved to the beat. He could hear Jinki laughing, but that just made him get more into it. He hadn’t had fun like that in long time.

The song finally ended and he let himself drop on the cushioned seat. He picked up his beer and took a sip before saying, ‘Your turn now.’

‘I’ve done enough singing for tonight,’ the blonde laughed. ‘But you’re quite the entertainer, he added as he took his own drink.

Jonghyun smiled. ‘Well I used to come here a lot before with my co-workers,’ he admitted.

‘So that’s why you wanted to come.’

‘Yeah, I thought it would be fun.’ Jonghyun rubbed the back of his neck. ‘You know... we’ve just hung out a few times, but I would really like for us to be friends,’ he said.

Jinki stared at him.

Getting no response, Jonghyun felt embarrassed. ‘I’m sorry. I ... I...’ He stopped himself. He suddenly wished he hadn’t said anything.

‘No, it’s okay. I would like that too,’ the blonde finally uttered. He looked down to his hands, before adding, ‘I think you’ve probably figured it out, but I don’t really let people in. At first, I was really mad at you for reading my book, but that anger rapidly turned into guilt. And then, I even felt flattered that you would take the time to read my stuff... you know, even my brother hasn’t read them, but you’ve read one.’

Jinki’s eyes settled on his. ‘What did you think about it?’ he suddenly asked.

‘Honestly, it was amazing. It was just really intense and... surprising,’ Jonghyun answered.

‘Surprising?’

Jonghyun cleared his throat. ‘It’s a really sad story...’

A cute smile cracked the older one’s lips. ‘I’m guessing I don’t come off as a sad guy.’

‘Not really... And I know there is more to a person than meets the eye, but not knowing this side of you and discovering it like that... I was just really surprised,’ Jonghyun explained.

‘Kibum told you about my past relationships, right?’ the blonde guessed.

The other one just nodded.

‘Those books I wrote... they were my way to cope. I wrote them to deal with the pain, to just try to move on.’ He stopped and downed his drink. ‘And that’s why I don’t want to keep them; they would just bring up to many bad memories.’

‘But, you can’t hide them forever. I mean your writing is beautiful and you should share it,’ Jonghyun expressed earnestly.

‘Thank you for saying that, but I don’t think I can. Writing is not something I do for fun or to get recognition. Writing is something I do when I feel like there is nothing to live for anymore,’ Jinki confessed.

That rendered Jonghyun silent.

‘I haven’t written in two years because I’m finally doing well,’ the older one continued.

‘I won’t mention it again,’ Jonghyun inferred.

‘It’s okay. I don’t mind talking about it with you,’ he said with intent.

Jonghyun felt his face heat up. He didn’t know what to say to that.

‘I think I’m finally up to do another song,’ Jinki announced with a laugh.

Jonghyun smiled. He was amazed by how quickly the other one’s mood could change. It was sure to keep things interesting.


	6. Conditional love.

Jonghyun had listened to it four times now. He just couldn’t believe it. He clicked on the button again, needing to hear it another time.

_‘Jonghyun... it’s me. I know it’s been a long time and you probably don’t care anymore, but I ... we miss you. And we would love it if you could come by tomorrow for supper... Bye.’ _Beep.

This time it hit him. It was very real. His mom had just left him a message. After so many years of silence, she had finally remembered his existence. He didn’t know how to feel about it. Part of him wanted to be angry and part of him just wanted to break down and cry.

As much as he had tried not to care, he always had and didn’t spend a day not having a thought for his parents. Even after everything. But with time, he had managed to make himself numb to the thought of them. Until now. That voicemail had just brought it all back up. All the hurt and the anger and the despair they had caused him... and that glimpse of hope that made him feel like there was a chance for them to start anew.

Moving away from the phone, he paced back and forth in the living room, trying to figure out what to do. Normally, he would’ve called Key immediately, but he knew how busy he was with helping for the upcoming fashion show of one his designer friends. It wasn’t a good moment to put more weight on his shoulders. The next logic move would’ve been to call Minho, but he already knew what his best friend was going to say. He would definitely tell him to not go to that supper.

But that’s not what he needed right now. He just needed someone to listen to him. And he already knew who he wanted to call, but he wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. Picking up his cell phone, he searched through the numbers until he found the one he was looking for. That had just been a way to push back the call; he already knew the number by heart.

After pondering for a few minutes, he made his decision. Phone pressed to his ear, he waited as his heart raced.

‘Hello?’ Jonghyun heard at the other end of the line. He could already feel his hands get sweaty.

‘Hey,’ he brought himself to say as he wiped them on his pants.

‘Are you okay? ’ Jinki asked with a voice laced with worry.

Jonghyun let out a nervous laugh. ‘I don’t know how you do it, but you always seem to know how I feel.’

‘Well, either I’m good at decoding people or you’re just not subtle at all,’ Jinki teased with a smile.

Jonghyun couldn’t help but smile back at that. He was already feeling better.

‘Honestly, your tone gave it away. Now tell me what’s going on,’ the blonde pressed. 

‘I just need to talk...’ Jonghyun sighed.

‘Do you want me to come over?’

‘Yeah. Please.’

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

‘Is Kibum home?’ Jinki asked as he came in.

‘No, he’s at work.’

Jonghyun took his coat and hung it for him in their entrance wardrobe. As soon as the other one had taken off his boots, they made their way to the living room, both taking place on different seats.

‘What’s going on?’ the older one lost no time to ask.

‘Um...’ Jonghyun ran a hand through his hair. ‘I got a call from my mom... well, I actually missed it so I didn’t talk to her, but I heard her voicemail and...’ He stopped.

Jinki didn’t say a word, he just waited.

‘And,’ Jonghyun started again. ‘And it just... I’m shocked.’

Trying to avoid the other one’s gaze, he looked down to his thighs. ‘I haven’t talked to her in years,’ he continued.

‘What about your father?’ Jinki asked.

Jonghyun felt a pang in his heart. ‘Same,’ he just said.

‘Same?’ the blonde echoed.

The younger one lifted his head up. ‘He’s the reason why we’re in this situation right now. He’s a fucking bastard,’ Jonghyun blurted out.

‘What happened, Jjong?’

A sigh left Jonghyun’s lips. He wasn’t sure he was ready to dig up the past and lay it in the open.

‘Talk to me,’ Jinki persisted.

‘Okay...’ Jonghyun straightened up. ‘One day, I brought a friend home from school so we could study for some test. He and I had been spending a lot of time together that year. I really liked him and he obviously had a thing for me too. That day I brought him to my house, things kind of escalated and we ended up in my bed kissing...’ He cleared his throat. ‘I thought it was safe, because usually my parents didn’t get home at this hour, but that day they did. And my father found us.’

‘Oh,’ Jinki voiced out of surprise.

‘Yeah... and then it all happened so fast. I remember my friend getting out of my room right after my father starting beating me up. And then it was just pain and... and tears. I couldn’t stop crying. My mother tried to stop him, but it was no use. At some point, he stopped and I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up, my stuff was packed and he pushed me out of the door. Nothing I said at that time mattered. He didn’t care.’

‘Oh my god, Jjong...’ Jinki was clearly shaken up by his story.

‘It’s okay. It’s all in that past,’ the younger one reassured.

‘Even if it’s the past, it’s still horrible. I’m sorry that happened to you,’ the blonde said.

Jonghyun looked at his saddened face. ‘I’m sorry you had to listen to my sob story. I shouldn’t have-‘

‘No, I’m glad you called me,’ Jinki cut in as he watched the other one’s eyes widen. ‘And I’m glad you trust me enough to tell me all this,’ he added as their eyes locked.

Jonghyun suddenly felt warm all over. Before he could gather his thoughts, the older one asked, ‘But how did you manage after that?’

‘I was lucky,’ he replied quickly. ‘My best friend’s parents accepted to take me in that night, even though I didn’t go into the details of why I had been kicked out. I think they already knew. I ended up spending a few months there. It was nice at first, but then I started to feel like a burden so I got a job and saved my money to get an apartment. My best friend wanted to move out too so he did the same and when we both had enough money, we got our apartment. All the while, we managed to finish high school and then we just worked all the time to be able to get by.’

‘Is that friend still in your life?’ Jinki inquired.

‘Yes, he is’. The thought of Minho brought a smile on Jonghyun’s lips. ‘I don’t think we’ll ever stop being friends. He’s helped me through so much...’

‘It’s good that you have a friend like that... I’m just asking this out of curiosity, but why didn’t you call him instead? I mean he could help you much more than I can,’ Jinki pointed out.

‘Minho hates my parents for what they did to me. He would’ve just told me to forget about her call and move on.’

‘And I’m guessing that’s not what you want to do.’

Jonghyun sighed. ‘I don’t know what I want to do.’

‘Actually, I think you know,’ Jinki observed.

The younger one just nodded, feeling his stomach knot.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

‘Thanks for bringing me here,’ Jonghyun said as he unfastened his seatbelt.

‘No problem,’ Jinki replied. ‘Are you sure you’re going to be okay?’ he then asked.

‘Yeah,’ the other one simply uttered. His hands were shaking and his mouth was dry. He wasn’t even in and he was close to a breakdown. But he needed to go through with this.

‘Good luck, Jonghyun,’ Jinki encouraged.

‘Thank you.’ He stepped out of the car and closed the door behind him. His steps were slow; he was dreading the moment when he would see his parents again. Just the sight of the house made him nauseous. He could still see his past self banging on the front door to get his father to let him back in. And now, almost eight years later, that door was finally going to be opened for him.

His finger pressed on the doorbell button. He could hear footsteps from the inside which made his heart beat faster. _‘This is it,’_ he thought. And suddenly the door opened, revealing his mother. It took every ounce of strength in him not to start crying as he felt her arms wrap around him. He returned the hug, letting himself enjoy the warmth he had so long craved for.

‘Come in,’ she said as she pulled away.

Jonghyun did just that and took off his coat as she closed the door behind them. From what he could see, everything was exactly how he had remembered it. And he knew that if he were to look into each room, every little thing would be in the exact same place. Except for his stuff, of course.

‘Come, your father is waiting in the dining room,’ she indicated.

He followed her, giving himself words of encouragement as they walked through the hallway. When Jonghyun finally set eyes on his father, he felt his strength leave him. The man still had the same stern expression on his face. And he kept it as he looked him up and down. No word left his mouth. He just sat there.

‘Hello, father,’ Jonghyun uttered meekly.

‘Sit,’ was the older man’s only response.

Jonghyun sat in front of him and watched as his mother brought the food on the table. He cocked an eyebrow as he realized that she had made his favourite food. After everything was set, they started eating as silence filled up the space.

Jonghyun wasn’t really hungry but forced himself to eat. He was waiting for one of them to break the ice, but neither said a word. So instead, he stole glances at them. Despite some wrinkles, they hadn’t changed at all. It was almost like no time had passed and it was just another regular family supper.

‘How are you doing?’ his mother suddenly asked.

‘I’m doing good, mom,’ Jonghyun replied as he forced a smile.

She smiled back. ‘Are you working?’

‘Not at the moment. I’m focusing on school.’

‘Oh, what are studying?’

‘Communications,’ he answered.

‘Oh great,’ his father sneered.

Jonghyun put down his fork. He could feel his anger rise.

‘Sorry I am not going to be a lawyer like you wanted,’ he retorted.

‘It seems like your life goal is to disappoint me,’ he said with a calm that just infuriated Jonghyun even more.

‘Excuse me?’ he fumed.

‘The only reason I accepted that you step back into my house was because your mother said that you had put a stop to your deviations,’ his father exposed before he took a sip of his drink.

Before Jonghyun could say a word, he felt a hand on his thigh. He looked to his right, only to see his mother’s pleading eyes. Her hand pressed harder, but it was no use. He wasn’t going to play along.

‘I can’t believe I thought you two wanted to make things right.’ He got up to leave, but a firm grip on his arm rendered him still.

‘Please let us be a family again. Please,’ his mother begged.

‘Oh, but I’m the one who needs to change, huh?’ he scoffed.

‘Honey... I just miss you so much, please understand...’ Her voice cracked as she started crying.

Jonghyun looked away, his eyes setting on his father who was eating as if nothing was happening.

‘I’m sorry, but I can’t. Not for you, not for anyone. That’s who I am and if you can’t accept that well I guess you won’t ever see me again.’ He could feel the tears coming. But he couldn’t cry. Not here, not in front of his father.

‘Get out of my house,’ the latter ordered.

Jonghyun didn’t need to be told twice. Ignoring his mother crying out his name, he made his way to the entrance where he put on his coat and boots.

He was met with a cold gust of wind as he stepped out. A tear fell down his cheek and another one followed. He wiped them off with the back of his hand. He needed to call himself a taxi quick so he could leave this place. As he was about to dial, his phone started ringing. Seeing who it was, he wasted no time answering.

‘Hi,’ he answered.

‘Look straight ahead,’ Jinki said.

Jonghyun did and frowned as he saw a familiar black car across the street. He was definitely confused.

‘It’s me,’ Jinki specified as he noticed that the other one wasn’t moving.

‘What, but...’

‘Just come,’ the blonde interjected.

Jonghyun stepped down the stairs and crossed the street. As he made his way to the passenger’s seat, he finally saw Jinki’s face. He got in and closed the door.

‘Why are you here?’ he immediately asked.

‘I was worried about you and thought I should stay close just in case,’ the older one explained.

Jonghyun stared at him, surprise written all over his face.

‘You didn’t stay in long... what happened?’ Jinki asked.

‘They haven’t changed...’ Jonghyun started with a quivering voice. ‘I’m their son... They should love me unconditionally,’ he continued as tears blurred his vision.

Jinki wiped them off with his thumb as they fell down.

The gesture unsettled Jonghyun, but he didn’t stop him. ‘I don’t even know why I’m crying. I should’ve known it was too good to be true.’

‘Anyone would’ve been hopeful in your situation. They’re still your parents after all,’ Jinki pointed out.

‘Unfortunately.’ He stared out the window, his eyes setting on his parents’ house.

No words were said for a few minutes as memories replayed in Jonghyun’s mind. All he had ever wanted was the love and support of his parents, but it was now clear that he would never get it. It was time for him to accept it.

‘Let’s go, he finally said. 


	7. Bad habit.

Jonghyun had been slouched in front of the TV for days now. Not that he was paying attention to what was going on the screen; he only needed the noise. His boyfriend barely around anymore, this was his only distraction. It had been the easiest choice, but definitely not the best. It hadn’t stopped his mind from wandering in places he wished it wouldn’t go.

The truth was that as much as he was mad at his parents, he couldn’t bring himself to just hate them. The thing he had most wanted in his life was to fix things with them which was why he had agreed to give them a second chance given the opportunity. But being rejected for a second time was devastating. Despite himself, he had cried several times and found himself back to a low which he hadn’t experienced in years.

So as he carelessly went through the channels, all that was going through his mind was self-hatred. He hated himself for being the way he was, for disappointing his parents and for letting himself go because of that. He hated himself for being so weak. 

An hour later, he was still in the same spot, but his restless mind had numbed down due to drowsiness. He was half asleep when the front door opened. The noise found his ears and he shifted into a more straightened posture.

Key walked into the living room and stopped at the sight of him. ‘Again?’ he sighed.

‘There are some really interesting programs at this hour,’ Jonghyun explained nonchalantly. He knew his boyfriend wouldn’t buy it, but he wasn’t going to talk about the real issue.

‘Seriously, Jjong?’ Key crossed his arms. ‘You’ve been sitting in front of that damn television for days now and I know it’s because something happened so you better tell me what it is now,’ he snarled.

Jonghyun just stared at him, considering whether or not he should open up.

‘Nothing happened,’ he finally said, directing his gaze back to the screen. He hated lying, but he didn’t want to talk about it nor add to the other one’s problems.

‘You are so frustrating sometimes,’ Key huffed.

Jonghyun didn’t answer. His hand was wrapped around the remote control as he increased the volume. Unfortunately that didn’t save him. A few seconds later, the voices were silenced. Key had taken the remote from him to turn the television off.

‘How dare you try to ignore me?’ he exclaimed with rage.

A sigh left the older one’s lips. ‘Kibum, just let it go please,’ he pleaded.

‘Oh right, because nothing happened...’ Key scoffed.

‘Exactly,’ he retorted.

‘What the fuck, Jjong?’ His anger was palpable. ‘We’ve never hidden things from each other. Since when did that change?’

Jonghyun suddenly felt guilty. ‘I’m sorry,’ he just said.

‘But you’re not going to tell me what’s going on,’ Key concluded.

Silence confirmed his assumption.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The house was silent, except for the faint sound of a liquid being poured. Jonghyun was at his fifth drink of the night. With a hand around his glass and the other around the bottle, he felt a little less alone. Alcohol was his friend tonight, just like it had been many times before when he knew of no other way to cope. At least that had changed for some time when he had met Key, but the catastrophic reunion with his parents had triggered his bad habit. He needed to numb the pain.

And he did as every sip he took brought him closer to a mellow state. No matter what ran through his mind now, there was no feeling. No pain, no joy, nothing and it felt good. So he kept pouring and he kept drinking until it made his head swim and his surroundings started to blur. The bottle was almost empty when he heard his phone ring.

His clumsy hand dropped it once before he could finally answer the call. ‘Hellloooo?’ he trailed.

‘Hey,’ a soft voice said.

Jonghyun smiled. ‘Jinkiiii,’ he voiced in the same tone.

‘Are you okay?’ the blonde asked.

‘Yeeess, I’m to-totally fiiiine.’ A laugh escaped his lips.

‘You sound drunk.’

‘Ooooh nooo,’ he mocked.

‘Where’s Kibum?’

‘He.... left...’ Jonghyun slowly uttered.

‘Left? What do you mean?’ Jinki asked, sounding a little panicky.

Jonghyun closed his eyes and sighed. ‘I don’t know...’

Noticing how far gone the other one was, Jinki knew he wouldn’t get a clear answer.

‘Don’t move. I’m coming,’ he simply said before hanging up.

Jonghyun stayed on the line a few more seconds, confused. He finally let his hand drop to his side, releasing at the same time the cell phone from his grip. He rubbed his eyes, suddenly feeling weary. 

Eyes half closed, he barely had the strength to pour what was left in the bottle into his glass. His numb state was slowly wearing off. That wasn’t anything new. The pleasant sensation he would feel when he’d drink had always been fleeting. It didn’t take much to bring him back to reality. That’s why he always needed to drink more.

His eyes finally shut completely as he waited. He could feel himself being dragged into sleep, but the sudden sound of the doorbell had him instantly alert. Even so, the alcohol still made his movements clumsy. He bumped into furniture a few times before he was finally able to reach the door.

He opened it. Jinki was standing there with a serious expression on his face. Wasting no time, he entered the house and closed the door behind him. A quick look in the younger one’s direction had him saying, ‘You don’t look so good.’

Jonghyun didn’t answer that. Instead, he downed his drink and walked away. Jinki followed, after taking off his coat and boots, only to see him taking out another bottle.

‘No way.’ Jinki took it from his hands. ‘Don’t you think you’ve had enough?’

‘I need more,’ Jonghyun replied. ‘Give it back,’ he added feebly.

‘No,’ the blonde reiterated as he put it down on the counter.

Before he could protest, he was dragged back into the living room. A slight push had him fall down on the sofa.

Jinki sat across him. ‘You shouldn’t have drunk so much,’ he scolded.

Jonghyun rolled his eyes. ‘You’re no fun.’

‘Well, so be it,’ he said with a laugh. It didn’t last long as his face turned serious again. ‘Why did you drink so much?’

‘Because I was tired of feeling,’ Jonghyun admitted.

A sigh left Jinki’s lips. ‘You know that’s not the solution. It never lasts.’

‘But at least for a moment, I feel better...’

‘Jonghyun... don’t let what happened destroy you,’ Jinki pleaded.

The younger one ran a hand through his hair. ‘I’m just tired of dealing with this pain. It’s to-‘

He stopped as a sudden wave of nausea took over him. He knew what would happen next so he immediately made a run for the bathroom. His head hovered over the toilet for minutes as it all came out. And suddenly, he felt a hand massaging his back. As he finally caught his breath, he said, ‘Leave me alone,’ before going through the same ordeal again.

Still, Jinki’s hand remained on his back. When it was finally over, he flushed and got up on his wobbly legs. Too embarrassed to look at the other one, he just walked over to the sink and freshened up.

As he wiped his hands on his towel, he could feel the tears coming. He bit down on his lip, trying to keep it in, but it was no use. They fell down his cheeks and he turned away, not wanting the other one to see him.

But Jinki saw and swiftly turned him around before wrapping his arms around him. He held him tight so he couldn’t escape and it was all it took for him to let go. He cried against his chest, forgetting every last bit of pride he had tried to hold onto.

‘I’m so pathetic,’ he sobbed.

‘No, you’re not. It’s okay to hurt, Jjong,’ Jinki reassured. He pulled back from the embrace. ‘Come on, you should sleep.’

Jonghyun gave a slight nod before he followed him out of the bathroom.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jinki looked at the hour. It was starting to get really late, but he wasn’t going to leave until his brother came home. He paced back and forth for a few seconds but stopped as his eyes caught the bookshelf. He walked over to it, letting his eyes trail over the titles. He winced as he saw his own amongst the others. He briefly considered taking them before completely dismissing the idea.

After a while, which to him seemed like an eternity, the front door opened, revealing his brother. The latter looked tired, but surprise enlightened his features as he saw the blonde looking at him.

‘What are you doing here?’ he exclaimed.

‘I was waiting for you,’ Jinki simply said.

Key put down the bags he was holding and closed the door. He walked up to his brother.

‘What’s going on?’

‘Can’t I just drop by?’ Jinki asked playfully.

‘Yes, but you wouldn’t at this hour and never unannounced,’ the brunette replied.

‘True... Where were you?’ he suddenly inquired.

‘I bought some clothes,’ Key answered. ‘I needed some distraction,’ he then added.

Jinki frowned. ‘From what?’

The brunette crossed his arms. ‘Jonghyun hasn’t been acting like himself lately and I confronted him about it earlier, but he wouldn’t open up,’ he explained.

‘Oh,’ Jinki intoned with discomfort.

‘Oh?’ Key echoed. ‘Do you know something that I don’t?’

‘Um... He should tell you not me,’ Jinki shyly said.

‘No, you’re going to tell me now,’ the younger one ordered.

The blonde finally complied. ‘He went to his parents’ house the other day.’

‘What?’ the other one voiced loudly. ‘He hasn’t seen his parents in years,’ he continued with a tone laced with disbelief.

‘Yeah, well, his mom left him a message and he called me...’

‘Since when have you two become so close?’ he uttered with a scowl.

‘I... we aren’t... It’s just... You were busy and...’

‘Oh, so you just went to see him without giving me a call?’ Key interrupted.

Jinki sighed. ‘I’m sorry, Kibum. But that’s not important right now. Your boyfriend was a complete mess tonight and if I hadn’t come here who knows how far he would’ve gone.’

‘He was drinking?’ the younger one guessed.

‘Yes.’ Jinki cocked an eyebrow. ‘So this has happened before?’

‘Not really, but he told me once that he used to have drinking problems.’

‘Well you should get rid of those bottles and take care of him. He’s not okay,’ Jinki indicated.

‘I can take care of my boyfriend just fine,’ Key retorted.

Jinki glared at him. ‘I should go,’ he said.

‘Yes, the other one agreed.

The blonde walked towards the entrance. As he finished putting back on his boots and coat, he turned around.

‘Please call me to tell me how he’s doing,’ he demanded.

And then, he was gone. 


	8. Overreacting.

Jonghyun looked at his phone again, disappointment crushing down on him as he saw he had no missed calls.

‘I can’t believe you went,’ Minho suddenly uttered in a frustrated tone.

The older one sighed. ‘What did you expect? Did you really think I would ignore her message?’

‘Of course that’s what I would’ve expected,’ he fumed. ‘After all they’ve done to you, why would you even go?’

‘I thought that-’

‘You thought they could change?’ the younger one cut in. ‘Well people don’t change, Jjong.’ He crossed his arms as a frown crept up his face.

‘They’re still my parents, Minho,’ Jonghyun reasoned.

‘Yeah, shitty parents,’ the brunette scoffed.

Jonghyun couldn’t help but glare at him. ‘Can’t you put yourself in my place for just one second and understand why the sound of my mother’s voice that, by the way, I haven’t heard in almost eight years could’ve made me falter? Is that too hard to fucking understand?’ he snarled.

Minho blinked a few times, sign that he was at a loss of words.

‘I... I get it, Jjong,’ he finally said. ‘I just wish you hadn’t made yourself go through that. I’ve seen you lose it before and I don’t want it to happen again,’ he continued with a voice laced with concern.

‘I’ve had a rough patch, but I’m feeling a little better now,’ the older one explained as his eyes stopped on his phone’s screen once again.

‘That’s good but.... why didn’t you call me as soon as you heard that message?’

‘Because I knew that would be your reaction. You would’ve told me not to go.’

‘And how is that bad advice?’

‘It’s not. It’s just that... I needed someone to listen and help me sort out things.’

‘I’m surprised Kibum was such a good listener,’ Minho sneered.

‘He wasn’t the one who helped me...’ Jonghyun admitted with sudden embarrassment.

‘Who did then?’

‘His brother.’

‘Wow, that Jinki guy seems to be a big part of your life now,’ Minho observed with a tone that betrayed some annoyance.

‘He isn’t. We don’t even know each other that much,’ Jonghyun rectified.

‘It always starts like that, Jjong,’ the younger one pointed out.

Confusion splattered the older one’s face as a sounded ‘What?’ left his lips.

‘Never mind,’ Minho retorted. He got up swiftly before saying, ‘I’m tired of staying here. We should go out.’

‘I’m starting to get hungry. Why not go to a restaurant?’

‘Perfect. Any ideas where we could go?’ Minho asked with a pang of excitement.

‘Yeah. I have a restaurant in mind...’

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The place was packed as usual, but there were still a few vacant seats. They both sat down in a booth, taking in the wonderful aroma of the other tables’ food.

‘Well that’s a nice place,’ Minho voiced as he looked around.

‘Yeah, I’ve only been here once, but I really liked it,’ Jonghyun said as he took a menu.

Minho did the same and they both fell silent as their eyes travelled down the pages.

That concentration was suddenly lost as a familiar voice caught Jonghyun’s ear. He lifted his head up only to be met with an unexpected sight. His eyes widened as a smile cracked the blonde’s lips.

‘I knew it was you,’ Jinki said with a little laugh.

Jonghyun just stared at him, completely disoriented.

‘Um, Jjong... care to introduce us?’ Minho reminded.

That took him out a little of his dazed state. ‘Yeah... Jinki this is Minho and Minho this is Jinki.’

‘Oh so you’re Jinki... I’ve heard so much about you,’ Minho said with self-satisfied smile.

Jonghyun felt his cheeks heat up, both of anger and embarrassment. He turned back to the blonde, but then his eyes caught someone else. Jinki wasn’t alone.

‘And who is this?’ he asked, looking at the beautiful young man to his right.

‘I’m Taemin,’ the brunette said with a bright smile.

Jonghyun looked him up and down, disturbed by his presence.

‘Why don’t you guys join us?’ Minho suddenly suggested.

‘Oh I don’t know if-‘

‘Gladly,’ Taemin settled, cutting whatever Jinki had been about to say. He took place beside Minho and the older one had no more choice but to sit down too.

Jonghyun gave Minho a quick glare, before going back to his menu. He was already feeling uncomfortable.

Realizing the other two didn’t have one, Minho called up the waiter and made him bring two others, which he did, putting them all soon into a collective silence as they figured out what they were going to eat.

Having already made his choice for a while now, Jonghyun allowed himself to steal glances to his left, noticing how Jinki furrowed his brows as he concentrated on the list.

A few more minutes went by before they all made their choice. Soon after, the waiter took their orders and left.

‘So Jinki, where do you two know each other from?’ Taemin suddenly asked as his eyes set on Jonghyun’s face.

‘He’s Kibum’s boyfriend,’ Jinki simply replied.

A shrill laugh left the other one’s lips. ‘Really?’ Taemin exclaimed. ‘I never understood how someone could endure that guy,’ he then added as he started playing with his fork.

‘Don’t start,’ Jinki intoned sharply.

‘I have to agree with- Ow,’ Minho suddenly yelled as a sharp pain ran through his leg. He gave his best friend a deadly stare as he rubbed it.

‘How do you two know each other?’ Jonghyun asked back as to divert the attention from the other one’s pained expression.

‘We used to be together,’ Taemin immediately answered with another bright smile.

Jonghyun felt a sudden weight on his chest. ‘Oh,’ was the only reply he could render.

‘It was a long time ago,’ Jinki specified as his eyes stopped on him.

But Jonghyun didn’t look back. He looked down to the table instead, trying to keep his composure. That unpleasant sensation that was taking hold of his body left him confused. Why was he feeling this way?

Fortunately, the plates finally arrived, putting everyone’s attention on their food. He dug in avidly, suddenly remembering how hungry he was. He could feel Minho’s intent gaze on him, but didn’t look up.

Silence trailed until their plates were clear from food. Unable to bear with the awkwardness of it all, Jonghyun waited for the waiter to come back and then asked for a beer. Alcohol always made things a little more endurable.

‘Are you sure you should’ve ordered that?’ Jinki asked after the man walked away.

‘Why not?’ Jonghyun retorted.

‘You know why.’

‘One beer isn’t going to hurt me,’ he muttered.

‘I’m just looking out for you,’ the blonde said as he tried to ignore the other two’s confused expressions.

‘Like you care... I haven’t heard from you this whole week,’ Jonghyun scoffed.

‘Jjong... what’s going on?’ Minho inquired.

‘Yeah, what’s going on?’ Taemin echoed with amusement.

‘Stay out of it, Tae,’ Jinki advised.

‘You know what? I think I’m going to follow your advice and not take that beer,’ Jonghyun said as he got up. ‘I’m leaving.’

‘Jonghyun, wait.’ Jinki grabbed his arm. ‘I’m sorry,’ he expressed with a look of guilt.

But the younger one wasn’t in the mood to be reasonable and made him move out of his way so he could step out of the booth. Minho followed behind as he made his way to the front.

After having paid for their meals, they stepped out into the cool afternoon air.

‘What was that about?’ Minho wasted no time to ask.

Jonghyun didn’t even bother to look his way. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean what’s going on between you two?’ Minho reiterated.

‘Nothing’s going on. Drop it.’

‘No, Jjong. This was the most tense dinner I’ve ever had to go through. So tell me what’s going on,’ Minho ordered, anger visible on his face.

‘Nothing,’ Jonghyun repeated firmly.

‘Jjong... talk to me,’ the younger one pleaded. 

‘I just overreacted, okay? That’s all. Now can we just go back to your house and forget about all this?’

Jonghyun didn’t wait for an answer. He just started walking, fighting hard with himself not to cry.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

‘Jjong, don’t you think you should stop now?’

‘I... I’m not done yet,’ he breathed.

‘You only exercise that long when something’s upsetting you,’ Key pointed out.

‘Well... everything’s fine,’ he replied shakily as he put down his weights.

‘Remember that little talk we had? You promised you wouldn’t keep things from me anymore,’ the brunette reminded.

Jonghyun sighed of annoyance. He didn’t want to get into another fight, but at the same time, he didn’t really know why he was upset.

‘Does the name _Taemin _ring a bell?’ he finally said.

A disgusted look crawled up his boyfriend’s face. ‘Taemin as in_‘selfish little brat that used to go out with my brother’_?

‘Yeah...’

‘How do you know about him?’

‘I met him today at that restaurant we went to the other day,’ Jonghyun explained as the whole scene unfolded in his head.

Key frowned in confusion. ‘What?’

‘We met by accident. Jinki was taking him out to eat,’ he specified.

‘I can’t believe my brother is seeing him again. I hate that little bitch,’ the younger one scowled.

‘He doesn’t seem to like you very much either.’

‘Of course he doesn’t. If it weren’t for me, Jinki would probably still be with him.’

‘So Taemin didn’t break up with him?’ Jonghyun asked.

‘No, Jinki did after months of me nagging him to do so. He tried not to face the truth, but at some point he had no choice. Taemin manipulated him into doing everything he asked for while he went out with other guys,’ Key explained with anger.

Jonghyun couldn’t believe it. Why would Jinki want to see him again?

‘Wow... that’s messed up.’

‘Yeah, and the saddest part was that for the longest time he didn’t believe me. Even though I swore that I had seen Taemin on dates with other men, he just shrugged it off...’

Key sighed. ‘I won’t let it happen again. I don’t know why he’s decided to reappear in his life all of a sudden, but I’m sure it means nothing good.’

‘How long were they together?’

That was a question that had been running through his mind ever since he had gotten back home. He just had to know.

‘3 years, unfortunately,’ his boyfriend answered.

‘Was that a long time ago or...?’

‘It’s been a year I think.’

‘I see...’ he uttered softly.

_He probably still loves him_, he thought as he felt the heavy weight on his chest again.


	9. Turmoil.

After hours of standing up and watching people come and go, it was all starting to become a blur. The dizziness he felt was one that was quite familiar; he always got like that when too many people were around. Looking over to his boyfriend, he watched as he, on the contrary, moved swiftly and easily through the people, organizing and making sure everything was in place. The redhead had barely had the time to catch a breath over the last five hours, but he was still as energized as the minute he walked in.

Jonghyun couldn’t help but smile. In those times, he not only admired his boyfriend but was reminded why he had fallen for him in the first place. He was like a rock; he could never break. Unlike him who was always on the brink of withering. As much as he wanted and needed to be his strength on this special day, he knew he was failing miserably. Having his head filled with futile matters was keeping him from being fully present. And it had been this way for days now. Days of avoiding the problem and trying to keep it under control. But he merely had any control anymore. At each call he ignored, he could feel it leaving him. He just wanted to answer. He just wanted to make everything right. But he had his pride and pride was what had driven him out of bed that day to assist his boyfriend even though that meant facing him too.

He looked at his watch. It wouldn’t be long now; the fashion show was going to start in less than an hour and all the scurrying around had him looking around for his boyfriend again.

‘Oh my god, I can’t wait for this to be over,’ Key blurted, startling the other one.

Jonghyun turned around to face him. Worry was written all over his pretty features. He instinctively brought a hand up to his cheek and caressed it softly.

Key’s eyes closed as his body relaxed under the touch. ‘I’m so glad you’re here,’ he sighed.

Jonghyun inched closer, looking straight into his beautiful feline eyes. ‘How could I miss it? I know how important this is to you,’ he said, thumb still circling against the taller one’s soft skin.

‘Thanks, baby.’ Key wrapped his arms around him, hugging him tightly. He pulled back only to have his lips taken over by fuller ones. A moan inadvertently escaped him as he let the other one’s tongue toy with his own. Not minding the hundreds of people around them, he let himself enjoy it; the occasions for this kind of closeness had been scarce lately.

The older one pulled back as their chests heaved from the lack of oxygen. Grins crept up their lips. They had missed each other more than they could both admit.

‘Kibum, we need you in the back,’ a young man called out, making them both snap out of the sweet moment.

‘I’m coming...’ he answered, annoyance heavy in his tone. He straightened his jacket and lightly patted his hair. ‘Do I look good?’ he then asked his boyfriend.

‘You always look good, but yes, right now you look perfect,’ he reassured with a smile.

A second later, the taller one was turning on his heels and walking with determination towards the other end of the big room. Jonghyun let out a sigh. _‘I can’t wait for this to be over too.’_

He knew there was nothing left for him to do here so he walked over to the other side, where the fashion show would actually take place. The seats were assigned and he knew he would have been placed somewhere in the front. He made his way to the first row and then saw his name, right next to his boyfriend’s of course. But what he hadn’t expected to see was a certain name written on the chair to his right. He silently cursed whoever had arranged it that way.

As he debated whether or not he should actually sit, his phone suddenly rang. He took it out of his pocket and looked at the screen. Rolling his eyes, he answered.

‘Hello,’ he voiced dryly.

‘Why do you keep ignoring my calls?’ Minho yelled instantly.

Jonghyun sighed despite him. ‘I’ve been busy.’

‘Yeah, busy avoiding me,’ the younger one riposted.

‘Look, right now isn’t really a good time to talk about this. I’ll call you later,’ Jonghyun settled dismissively.

‘No, no, no. Not this time, Jjong. I’m not letting it go. We need to talk about the other day. I was waiting for you to bring it up first, but you haven’t and-‘

‘And right now isn’t a good time,’ the older one cut in. ‘I’m hanging up now.’ He did just that before finally sitting down. People were starting to fill up the space and taking their seats. He couldn’t help but look around, trying to spot out a particular face.

It wasn’t until the lights were dimmed that the one he had dreaded to see appeared. He immediately sat, gaze directing towards him. He tried to ignore it, but a hand on his arm had him suddenly on edge.

‘Jjong...’

His soft tone had him feeling suddenly weak. He didn’t meet his eyes; he couldn’t. Before the other one could add another word, the lights were turned off and the catwalk was illuminated. It was going to start. And as everyone around him slowly turned into a barely shaped blur, he allowed himself to steal a glance. Surprise shook him for a brief moment as he noticed the hair color change. It was dark now and unfortunately that didn’t help the troubled state he was in.

Some relief washed over him as he saw Key step on the stage. He clung on to his every word as he watched him make the opening speech. _‘Just keep your eyes on him,’_ he told himself as he watched his boyfriend standing proudly beside his designer friend.

‘I hope you enjoy the show,’ Key concluded before walking out to the back, only to reappear beside him a few minutes later. He sat down, quickly greeting his brother.

‘How was I? Did I look nervous?’ the younger one whispered.

‘You were perfect,’ Jonghyun replied in a murmur.

‘Good. I still have some work to do in the back. I don’t even know why they reserved that chair for me, it’s not like I’m really going to use it,’ Key ranted. ‘I wish I could actually see the show, but I have to go. They can’t go through this without me,’ he continued while rolling his eyes.

And as quickly as he had arrived, he was gone; leaving Jonghyun back to square one. Fortunately, the models started coming out one by one. He was trying hard to focus his mind on them. Trying so hard that it didn’t actually work. He inevitably found himself looking to his right and immediately regretted it as their eyes locked for a brief instant. He wasn’t sure how he was going to be able to keep it together for the next two hours.

The minutes went by painfully and slowly until one hour finally passed. He was still trying to focus and failing. He could feel the other one shift beside him and looking his way every once in a while. And at some point, it became too much. He finally gave in to staring at him and didn’t shy away when the other one returned his gaze.

They stayed like that for a few seconds, until the older one finally inched closer. ‘We need to talk,’ Jinki whispered against his ear.

Jonghyun looked away. ‘We shouldn’t be talking right now...’ he indicated, eyes drifting to his hands.

‘We both can’t deny how uncomfortable this is. We need to talk now,’ Jinki insisted.

The younger one cocked an eyebrow. ‘Here?’

‘No, let’s get out. We can go back to the parking lot or something,’ he suggested as he was already getting out of his seat.

Jonghyun didn’t consider the option of not following him; he just did. They tried to move as subtly as they could, but a few people still showed displeasure at their interference.

Cool air hit both their faces as they stepped out from the back door. Jonghyun let out a breath he didn’t know he had been keeping in. He could finally feel the ache from being tense that whole time in his body.

Unnerved, he asked, ‘What was the urgent matter?’

Jinki’s eyes set on his face. ‘Jjong, don’t play dumb,’ he retorted.

Jonghyun was a little surprised by his tone, but tried to look unfazed. ‘There’s nothing to say, really...’

‘Well if you don’t have anything to say, that’s fine. But I do.’ He stepped closer. ‘I’m sorry,’ he then said with lingering guilt.

‘You’re sorry for what?’ Jonghyun crossed his arms.

‘I’m sorry for not calling you before and for that awkward dinner the other day.’ He bit down on his lip. ‘I wasn’t ignoring you by the way... I... I just thought you should work out things with Kibum before I came back in the picture,’ he then added.

Jonghyun suddenly felt stupid. He sighed. ‘I’m sorry for acting like a jerk at the restaurant and for not answering your calls. I don’t know what got into me...’

‘I get it. You thought I didn’t care anymore because I didn’t check up on you in the first place, but I do... care.’ The serious but gentle expression he had on his face had Jonghyun’s heart beating faster. He didn’t understand it. How could this man leave him in such turmoil?

His eyes widened as the taller one’s arms wrapped around his body. The sudden warmth and closeness had him feeling a little light-headed, but he returned the hug nonetheless. He didn’t know how long they stayed like that, but after what seemed like an eternity, Jinki pulled back, leaving considerable space between them.

‘We should get back in,’ he said.

‘Yeah, but... I have a question first,’ Jonghyun let out before thinking.

Jinki looked slightly confused. ‘Okay, go ahead.’

‘Is there something... Is there... Um,’ he stuttered, before stopping himself completely. ‘Never mind,’ he finally said, feeling embarrassed.

Turning around to walk back inside, he was suddenly stopped by a grip on his arm.

‘No, there’s nothing going on between Taemin and I,’ Jinki answered knowingly.

And then he walked in, leaving a distraught Jonghyun to ponder on his words. 


	10. Tired.

Jonghyun put the book down for the first time in hours. The words were starting to blur and he suddenly realized he hadn’t had much to eat or drink for that matter. Walking up to the kitchen, his mind ran over where he had stopped in the story. It was another passage full of pain and heartbreak and it was still hard for him to wrap his mind around the fact that Jinki could’ve written that kind of stuff. He had gone through 2 books and was now in the middle of the third. And even though it still brought up guilt, this was the best way he had found to get closer to him; to know him better.

It had been weeks now since the fashion show and they had seen each other a few times since, but he always felt like there was this wall. He wasn’t sure if it was really there or if he was just being paranoid, but in the end, he was pretty sure there was so much more to him. And his writing confirmed that. So during his free time, he would read and read and read some more, all the while thinking at how those beautifully worded pages were actually parts of his real life.

Every time he would tell himself that he should stop, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t just about getting to know him; the truth of the matter was that he was simply an amazing writer. Once you fell into his world, there was practically no turning back.

Which was why, in his haste, he heated up a leftover from last night’s supper and brought it back to the living room, eager to continue his reading. His actions were unfortunately put to a halt when he heard his phone ring. He practically cursed at the device for being a disturbance, but his demeanour changed as he saw the caller ID.

‘Hello?’ he answered with the hint of a smile.

‘Hey,’ Jinki replied warmly. ‘Am I bothering you?’ he then immediately inquired.

‘No, not at all,’ Jonghyun said as he slid his bookmark between the pages of the book.

‘Oh well, I was wondering if...’ The brunette laughed nervously. ‘Um...’

‘What?’ Jonghyun expressed with amusement.

‘We’ve been hanging out for a while now and I just realized that you have never seen my apartment,’ Jinki finally let out, voice lowered almost to a murmur.

But Jonghyun caught all of it. How couldn’t he? This was important. This was a step further. This had his heart hammering against his chest and his lips cracking into a bashful smile. This made him happy.

‘So if I understand correctly, you’d like me to come over,’ Jonghyun uttered after reeling in his excitement.

‘That’s pretty much it, yeah,’ Jinki confirmed.

‘What’s the address?’ the younger one asked, forgetting all about his food and the book.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

To his surprise, the place wasn’t that big. He would’ve thought otherwise, as he had seen his fancy car and his nice suits, but it was rather simple. Although to him that wasn’t a bad thing. In fact, he liked that the place was more cozy and slightly messy; it didn’t make him feel out of place.

‘So that’s it, that’s my home,’ Jinki concluded after he had given him a quick tour.

‘It’s really nice,’ Jonghyun complimented as he walked around the living room. As it was to be expected, books were scattered all over the tables, even though a magnificent bookshelf was standing proud against a wall nearby. He couldn’t blame him though; the shelves were almost filled over capacity.

‘You have so many books,’ he observed as his eyes trailed down the beautiful piece of furniture.

‘Yeah well, I like to keep myself occupied,’ Jinki conceded.

‘You have enough books here to occupy yourself ‘till death,’ Jonghyun teased, a throaty laugh ensuing his words.

The other one echoed his laughter, before saying ‘I guess I’m what you call a nerd.’

‘I think that’s just being passionate.’

Their eyes locked briefly and then the atmosphere suddenly felt heavy. Jonghyun couldn’t help but look away; he couldn’t withstand the intensity of the other one’s gaze. His eyes tried to find something worthy of comment; anything to create distraction. He finally caught something. There was a pile of papers beside a laptop, which could be anything really, but his curiosity was still piqued.

‘What is that?’ Jonghyun asked as he pointed to it.

Jinki’s eyes followed his arm. Suddenly uneasy, he rubbed the back of his neck. 

‘I’m writing down ideas,’ he answered quickly.

Eyebrow cocked, the younger one then automatically inquired, ‘Ideas for what?’

Jinki crossed his arms. ‘For a new story,’ he specified.

Jonghyun’s eyes widened as his mouth fell slightly open. ‘You’re writing again?’ he exclaimed.

Then leaving no time for the other one to answer, he added ‘Are you okay?’

The brunette’s discomfort completely left his body as an unrestrained laugh shook his body.

‘I’m fine. I’m writing for fun this time,’ Jinki reassured.

Jonghyun smiled with relief. ‘Just making sure.’

His words were followed by a silence that persisted, making both their brains work hard to find something to say. A sudden buzzing sound put a halt to that. Jonghyun pushed a hand down his pocket and took out his phone. He rolled his eyes and then pushed it back down where it belonged.

‘You’re not answering that?’ Jinki asked, before letting himself drop on his sofa.

‘No,’ he simply replied as he made himself comfortable too.

‘Who was it?’

Jonghyun sighed. ‘It was Minho.’

A frown settled on the older one’s face. ‘Oh...’

‘I...’ Jonghyun couldn’t find any words. He knew he had no excuse.

‘I know it’s none of my business, but it looks like you’re avoiding him.’

‘I’m not. I’ve just been busy...’ Jonghyun finally said, tone merely convincing.

‘Busy seeing me?’ Jinki joked.

A smile cracked both their lips.

_‘Yeah,’_ Jonghyun thought as a flutter unsettled his heart.

‘I can’t say I’m any better. Kibum’s called me, but I haven’t made time for him yet,’ Jinki admitted.

‘Well it’s not like he has a lot free time anyways,’ Jonghyun snorted.

‘So... you guys don’t spend much time together?’

‘Not really.’ He found himself feeling slightly discomforted by the thought of his boyfriend.

‘It’s sad... I mean when I see you two together it feels so...’ His eyes shifted quickly as he mulled over what he was trying to say. ‘So right,’ he finally uttered.

Jonghyun just stared at him, thinking.

Noticing that, Jinki continued, ‘But the only way that can be maintained is if you both make your relationship a priority.’

The younger one sighed. He could feel a knot form in his stomach and he wasn’t quite sure why.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jonghyun rolled his hips slowly, then fast and then a little faster, trying to angle himself just the right way, but it wasn’t working. Setting his eyes into confused brown irises, he just had to admit to himself that he wasn’t into it. He climbed down the lithe body as a sigh escaped his lips.

‘I’m so sorry,’ he breathed, too ashamed to look his boyfriend’s way again.

Key pushed himself up on his elbows, brows furrowed from a mix of annoyance and disarray.

‘What’s going on, Jjong?’

Face buried in his hands, he didn’t answer. There was no way he could just tell him what was going on in his mind. There was no way he could tell him why he couldn’t get it up for him just now and get out of it alive.

‘That thing with your parents is still messing with your head, huh?’ Key supposed.

Jonghyun felt relieved. He could just agree to that and save himself the trouble of having to dig into what was really going on.

‘Yes,’ he replied. ‘I thought I was over it, but I guess not.’

His gaze finally stopped on his boyfriend. ‘Please believe me when I say it has nothing to do with you,’ he continued, hand reaching out to his cheek. A light caress already had the other one’s eyes half-closed; sign that he believed him. 

At that point, there wasn’t anything left to say, so Key just slid back under his sheets as Jonghyun turned the lights off. He then jumped right back in bed, even though he knew this was going to be another one of his sleepless nights.

And he was right. He didn’t know how much time had passed, but whether it was a lot or not, it was painful. The thoughts that were harassing him as the soft tremble of his boyfriend’s breathing could be heard were unbearable. It all went down to one question: _How could he have let his happen?_

What he had right now with Key, the life they built together, it was perfect. So why did it feel like he didn’t belong anymore?

Unable to catch a break from his restless mind, he got up, being very careful about not disturbing the other one’s peace.

His phone was still where he had left it; on the dining table. These days he tried to keep it away from him, but it didn’t really help. It didn’t make him feel more at ease to not be aware if a certain brunette had called or not.

He walked up to the table and picked up his phone. He turned it on as he let out a breath he didn’t know he had been keeping in. For two days, it had been left untouched. Part of him wanted to find something and part of him wanted to be faced with nothing.

The latter part of him was deceived as numerous missed calls showed up on his screen alongside a few texts. He looked at them quickly, feeling his heart quicken. They started out casual with things like _‘Hey, how are you doing?’_ to more concerned messages like _‘Are you okay? You’re not answering my messages...’ _

A pang of guilt ran through him. He had never wanted to worry him, but he was doing them both a favour. At least, that’s what he had thought. Ever since he had last seen him, he felt like he had to put a distance between them. He was now realizing that it wasn’t really solving anything and that he would have to talk to him sooner or later.

A few clicks then brought him to his voicemail. He couldn’t help but close his eyes as the warm voice of Jinki filled his ear. There were words, many words; he couldn’t make them all out. He was getting dizzy just from hearing him. But three words stood out and echoed in his mind, minutes after the phone had found its place back on the wooden structure.

_‘I miss you.’ _

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Jonghyun put down his spoon as he watched Key pour coffee into a cup.

‘You haven’t slept much, have you?’ the younger one asked as he let his back rest against the counter.

‘I have...’ Jonghyun looked right back into his bowl. ‘Don’t worry, I’m fine,’ he lied.

‘I know you’re not, but unfortunately I can’t stay to pull it out of you.’ He downed his cup and walked over to him. He gave him a quick kiss on the forehead and then he was gone.

Jonghyun felt a weight lift off his shoulders as he heard the front door get shut. He didn’t have to be in pretend mode anymore. No, he hadn’t slept much. In fact, he hadn’t slept at all. Insomnia had always been part of him, and now it was acting out.

He pulled out his phone from his pocket and scrolled down to the number he wanted. He was going to call him, he needed to.

‘Hello?’ he heard at the other end of the line.

Jonghyun felt his heart stop. It wasn’t Jinki. He knew quite well who this was.

‘Taemin,’ he uttered before hanging up.

It was almost too much. The sadness that suddenly hit him was overwhelming. In an instant, the glimpse of hope, the jolt of excitement, all of it had been completely erased.

This couldn’t be him. He couldn’t be that pathetic person pining for something that couldn’t be. He suddenly felt weary; he needed sleep. All he wanted right now was some peace.

But of course, he had to be disturbed again. His phone was ringing and the number that appeared just made him want to throw it against a wall. He wouldn’t do it of course. He wouldn’t because he didn’t really have the will to turn his back on him.

‘Hi,’ he answered sharply.

‘Hey,’ Jinki said with clear unease.

‘What do you want?’ Jonghyun asked, anger flowing through him as the very thought of him being with Taemin unfolded in his mind.

‘I’m glad you picked up the phone. I... I’m glad to hear your voice.’ He took a deep breath. ‘Listen, Tae just came for a visit. He-‘

‘I seriously don’t care,’ Jonghyun interjected. ‘I just didn’t want to be a bother, so I hung up. You didn’t have to call me back,’ he let out a little more harshly than he had intended to.

‘Jjong, let’s not fight about this again,’ Jinki pleaded.

‘We’re not fighting,’ he said before putting an end to the call.

He sighed. This day was adding up to the other ones he would need to forget.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Minho’s eyes widened as he opened the door. He definitely hadn’t expected to see his best friend’s boyfriend on his front porch. The latter walked right in, giving him no other choice but to close the door and follow him into the living room.

‘I know I should’ve called, but I was close so I decided to drop by,’ Key explained quickly.

Minho sat down in front of him. ‘What’s going on?’ he expressed in a tone laced with confusion.

‘JJong isn’t here, is he?’ Key asked, a little panicky.

‘No, he’s not...’

‘I just... I...’ He stopped himself so he could gather his thoughts. ‘I don’t know what to do anymore. I tried to fix things on my own, but obviously it’s not working...’

Minho knew from the way his voice shook that Key was at a loss. He who always had things under control was now letting someone else in. Someone he didn’t even like. That was definitely a first.

‘Having troubles with Jjong, huh?’ Minho pinpointed.

Key nodded, trying hard not to lose face. ‘He’s just not the same and I don’t know what to do...’ he admitted.

‘He hasn’t shared much with me lately... I guess he’s pushing everyone away,’ Minho observed.

‘So it’s not just me then... I’m not the problem?’ Key asked in a manner that sought reassurance.

‘It probably has something to do with his parents... it’s hard to get over that kind of stuff,’ Minho suggested, knowing very well that wasn’t the case.

‘That’s what I thought too, but I feel like there is something more...’

‘I guess you’ll just have to wait until he tells you.’ Minho brought a hand to his shoulder and gave it a squeeze. ‘I’m sure he’ll go back to normal soon.’

Key let out a breathy laugh. ‘You’re right. I don’t know why I got so worried,’ he said as he got up.

‘Sorry for bothering you,’ he added as their eyes locked.

‘It’s okay. I understand,’ Minho reassured with a smile. 

He accompanied him back to the front door and a few seconds later, he was alone again. That visit just confirmed his fears. He knew something was up with his best friend. And he knew what that something was. Jonghyun could ignore him now, but he knew that sooner or later, when things would become too hard to bear, he would get a call or a visit and then it would be all out in the open.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The warm liquid glided down his throat, making him instantly feel a little better. He had tried all day to fight the urge, but here he was now, in a bar, trying to mellow out.

As soon as he was done with his first drink, he called for more shots. Each of them passed his lips quickly and he suddenly found himself wishing a certain someone was with him. And he made no effort to push that thought away; he was tired of fighting.

So tired, that without thinking it through, he brought his phone to his ear. He could be mad or sad all he wanted, but that didn’t change a thing. It didn’t change the fact that his body and mind were aching for his presence.

The ringing stopped. ‘Hello,’ a husky voice answered.

‘Hey,’ he drawled, head swimming in thoughts and alcohol.

‘Jjong?’ Jinki exclaimed. He rubbed his eyes before turning over to look at the hour. ‘What’s going on?’

‘Nothing... I just...’ A hiccup left his lips.

‘You’re drunk’ the older one realized. ‘What’s going on?’ he repeated.

‘Stop asking me that,’ Jonghyun managed to say.

Jinki sighed. ‘Just tell me where you are.’

He did and then it all gradually faded out. He slightly jumped as the sudden feeling of a hand on his back brought him somewhat back to reality.

Jinki sat beside him and immediately pushed away the untouched glass he was about to drink.

‘You need to stop doing this to yourself.’

Jonghyun’s head fell to the side, unabashedly allowing himself to stare into the other one’s eyes.

‘You need to stop...’ he trailed loosely.

Confusion sprawled across Jinki’s face. ‘What?’

‘You know what...’ Jonghyun replied in the same tone. He scrunched up his nose, a twinge of pain shooting through his head.

The other one looked down to the table. ‘I know.’ He then reached out for his hand and held it tight. ‘I should bring you back home,’ he said softly.

‘No...’ Jonghyun whined. ‘I can’t...’

Jinki gave him an intent look. ‘Give me your phone,’ he suddenly requested.

The younger one placed it into his hand, not even slightly curious about why he had asked for it.

The brunette found the number he was looking for. ‘Hello,’ he uttered after a few seconds.

‘Who is this?’ Minho asked, confused.

‘This is Jinki. Look, I know this is going to sound strange, but could you please tell Kibum that Jjong’s spending the night at your house?’ He could feel his hands getting sweaty; he knew this wasn’t right.

‘No way,’ Minho answered as his eyes grew wide with disbelief. ‘I don’t know what game you’re playing-‘

‘Minho,’ Jinki halted. ‘Jonghyun’s really drunk and he doesn’t want Kibum to see him like that.’

‘Please do this,’ he then implored.

‘Why can’t you just tell him the truth?’ Minho spat out.

‘Because... It would just make things more complicated,’ he admitted. And then, he hung up.


	11. Right place.

Everything was in its right place. His clothes were still scattered at the end of his bed, his watch and phone were still on the nightstand and he was still in his rocking chair with a cup of coffee in his right hand like always at this hour. But the breathing that wasn’t his made it all seem surreal. He had spent the night staring at the contours of a face he knew too well and despite his mind constantly warning him of the damage that could do, he still kept at it, getting only slight breaks when his vision blurred from fatigue. And now, as he sipped silently while making an effort to keep a blank mind, strings of lights pierced through his crimson curtains and lined the wooden floor with its shadows. A yawn suddenly crossed his lips as he realized it was day. For a few minutes, he let himself enjoy the pleasure of darkness through eyes closed. And then he faced the settings again, noticing no change as he squirmed on his chair. His body was stiffened by unease and he could feel the soreness through his muscles. Walking would’ve brought him relief, but he was afraid that one step would ruin the peace that had lingered for so long. He was dreading the moment words would stumble out of his mouth to make conversation. He figured it was probably best to say nothing.

Looking around his room wasn’t much of a distraction, bringing his eyes inevitably back to the relaxed face that was half buried into his pillow. He hated how it made him feel. The tingling in his gut couldn’t be ignored, but he would pretend for as long as he could that he didn’t know what it meant. He only had to think about his brother to remember why he shouldn’t give it any further thought. He had gone through enough heartache to refuse being the instigator of it. Whatever he was thinking or feeling right now would just have to be silenced for he was sure it was temporary.

He sipped mechanically, lost in the nothingness he was trying to keep his mind in, but the lightness of his cup got him out of his daze. It was empty. A quick look to his watch made his eyes widen as he realized another hour had passed. It was close to 11 and Jonghyun still seemed to be completely out of it. Worry started filling up his thoughts and for a few minutes, he debated whether he should wake him or not. He opted for the latter, remembering how much he had drunk the night before. He couldn’t help but shake his head, as guilt panged him in the stomach.

_‘You know what...’_ he heard again in his head.

He had relived that moment in his mind an incommensurable amount of time. Yes, he knew, but at the same time, he wasn’t sure he did. The incessant wondering was driving him crazy, but there was nothing he could do about it. Not if he wanted to avoid a disaster.

He squirmed again in his chair, his body aching to move. His legs were begging for action and his worn out state requested another coffee. He pushed himself carefully at the brink of his chair, the wooden floor creaking as it rocked. A breathed curse left his lips, before he got up swiftly. He sighed of relief as he walked to the kitchen. Going straight for the coffee pot, he poured down the liquid until it filled his cup.

He then went to the living room, hoping to find something that would occupy him for a while. His eyes fell on the papers scattered next to his laptop. He hadn’t touched them since the last time Jonghyun had been here. A few steps brought him to his desk and he sat down, just staring for a while at the pile. He was scared to even look at the words, suddenly hit with realization. He had been taken over by a gust of inspiration some nights ago, but now he wanted to throw all those papers away. He picked them up in one hand and got up, but stopped dead in his tracks as his gaze found a disorientated-looking Jonghyun staring at him.

He tossed them right back on his desk, putting down at the same time his cup of coffee. He could feel himself tense up again.

‘Hi...’ he uttered faintly.

‘Hey,’ the other one let out in a rasp. He ran a hand through his hair, before leaning against the sofa.

Jinki’s eyes traveled despite him down his uncovered chest. ‘Um... I... I left Tylenols and water next to the bed-‘

‘I took them,’ Jonghyun cut in.

Their eyes met briefly before the older one directed his attention back to his drink. He was trying his best not to act differently, but he was miserably failing. He didn’t know what to do.

‘Thank you,’ Jonghyun suddenly said. His tone and expression were serious making Jinki uneasy.

‘For what?’ he asked accordingly.

‘For lying for me, I guess... and letting me spend the night here,’ he completed as he looked down.

‘So you remember everything?’ Jinki inquired instantly.

‘I do,’ Jonghyun admitted after a moment.

Jinki couldn’t help but notice his discomfort, which only amplified his.

A painful silence settled between them before the younger one broke it. ‘I think I should go,’ he announced dryly.

Jinki was taken aback. ‘Oh, okay...’ His hand tightened around his cup.

‘Are you sure?’ he then added. ‘I mean you’re still hung over right?’

‘I’ll be fine,’ he answered sharply.

Jinki stared blankly at him, words stuck in his throat. He watched as Jonghyun walked away.

At that moment, he felt the urge to go after him and ask him to stay, but he remained in his spot, rendered still by rational thoughts.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A whiff of alcohol tickled his nostrils as he looked down to his shirt. He scrunched up his nose in disgust. The long walk he took hadn’t appeased him like he’d thought it would. Now that he was standing in front of a house he had long seen, he felt even more strung out than before. With the little strength he had left, he swiftly climbed the stairs and pressed on the doorbell. He would probably kick himself mentally later for that, knowing that his time here wasn’t necessarily going to be pleasant. He didn’t have to wait long. The door opened shortly after.

‘What the fuck?’ was the first thing Minho blurted as he looked at his best friend. ‘What are you doing here?’ he asked a little more calmly as Jonghyun made his way in. The latter heard the door get shut behind him as he was already making his way to the living room. He let himself drop on the couch and closed his eyes.

But they soon reopened in shock. He pushed the pillow out of his face. ‘Why’d you do that?’ he exclaimed. And then he winced as a sharp pain shot through his head.

‘Didn’t it occur to you that I might be worried?’ Minho retorted. He sat down and stretched out his legs. ‘I literally have nothing to do today, so you better start talking now,’ he advised as he watched the other one’s face get paler.

‘I need coffee... or tea... or whatever, just something hot please,’ Jonghyun uttered urgently.

Minho got up immediately and disappeared into the kitchen.

Jonghyun sighed of relief. He really needed that drink, but it would buy him some time before he’d have to avoid answering questions. He slouched even more into the soft cushion and closed his eyes again, but it didn’t help him relax. He was replaying that whole awkward moment that had had happened earlier. Especially that intent look Jinki had given him. His twisted mind couldn’t help but mull over and over again on what it could mean. 

In some way, he regretted acting so cold towards him, but in that moment he had felt anger he hadn’t suspected was there. Maybe it had just been a consequence of his drinking, or maybe it was the only way he had found to once again evade the truth. He could try to convince himself otherwise all he wanted, but he knew which one it was.

He opened his eyes as he heard footsteps getting closer. Minho put down two cups on his coffee table. ‘I made green tea.’

Jonghyun nodded in approval. It was the best thing to get him back to a regular state. He picked up his and wrapped his hands around it. The sudden warmth on his skin was more than welcome, his muscles relaxing almost instantly.

‘Jjong...’ Minho voiced heavily.

He didn’t have to say more, Jonghyun knew that he was waiting for answers. Answers he wasn’t sure he could give.

‘I don’t know what to tell you, Minho,’ he sighed.

‘Well, I’ll just have to pull it out of you then... did something happen last night?’ he asked bluntly.

‘I don’t know what you mean,’ he quickly replied.

‘Don’t play dumb.’

Jonghyun could feel his frustration through his tone. ‘I just slept,’ he said before taking a sip.

‘You just slept?’ he repeated in disbelief. ‘If that were true, you two wouldn’t have had me lying to your boyfriend about where you spent the night,’ he pointed out.

‘I...’ He stopped and looked into the leafy beverage. He realized Key hadn’t crossed his mind all morning. A poignant feeling of guilt seized him. He felt like an asshole.

‘Look, I’m here for you, always,’ Minho reminded. ‘I just want you to let me in, because I don’t want to see you going back to the way you were before.’

‘You need to deal with whatever’s going on in your head,’ the younger one added as he got no response from his best friend. The latter was still staring at his cup.

Jonghyun finally lifted his head up. ‘It’s just... I don’t know...’ There was so much he wanted to say, but he was scared to let the words out. As long as it stayed inside him, it wouldn’t really be part of reality.

Minho sighed. ‘I told Kibum that we went to a bar, that you drank too much and that I brought you back here,’ he informed. ‘Don’t mess up the lie.’

‘Was he worried?’ Jonghyun inquired.

‘He sounded angry.’ Minho stared at him, a look of concern furrowing his brow. ‘I get that you’re not ready to talk, but promise me you’ll stop drinking.’

‘Okay,’ he acquiesced automatically.

Letting the warm tea glide down his throat again, he tried not to let himself get overwhelmed by the sudden sadness that menaced to take over. 

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jinki jumped at the sound of knocks on his door. It took him a few seconds to register that he had dozed off in front of a television show. The knocks started again and he got up, rubbing his face as he made his way to the door. He opened without hesitation, but then regretted. Hiding his disappointment behind a forced smile, he let Taemin in.

‘Oh my god, I was starting to get worried,’ the brunette exclaimed. ‘Why didn’t you pick up my calls?’ he asked with a pout.

The older one felt a strong urge to roll his eyes, but instead he just said, ‘I was trying to get some rest.’

‘Oh.’ Taemin stepped closer to him. ‘You didn’t sleep?’ he inquired as he brought a hand up to the other one’s cheek.

‘Not really... I was writing,’ he lied as he found some comfort in his gentle touch.

Taemin let his hand trail down to the back of his neck. ‘About what?’

‘It’s not important,’ Jinki replied dismissively.

Another pout curled the younger one’s lips. ‘You’ve never shown me what you write,’ he reproached.

‘It’s just... really personal.’ Jinki didn’t expect him to understand, but he would just have to accept it.

‘Alright then.’ Taemin gave him a push, making him fall back on his sofa. Following his instincts, he straddled him, a little laugh leaving his lips as he saw the other’s shocked expression.

‘Taemin... what are you doing?’ The older one couldn’t help the panic in his voice.

‘You know damn well what I’m doing,’ he retorted with an amused glint in his eyes.

Jinki let out a groan as Taemin grinded against him. ‘Stop,’ he ordered meekly.

A mischievous smile cracked the other one’s lips. ‘You should listen to your body,’ he teased as one hand grabbed him through his pants.

Feeling his member harden, he bit down hard on his lip to muffle a moan.

‘No...,’ he protested as he tried to push his hand away. But Taemin tightened his grip around him making the little strength he had to begin with leave him.

He pulled him into a passionate kiss, warmed all over by the softness of his lips and the roughness of his tongue. His mind went blank for a second, before a haunting thought found its way in. He broke the kiss, his chest heaving softly.

‘I can’t,’ he realized as he looked into dilated brown pupils.

‘What...’ Taemin breathed.

‘I’m sorry.’

The other one’s gaze stayed fixed on him. ‘I should’ve known.’

Jinki frowned in confusion. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

His question was left unanswered, Taemin getting off him instead and walking away. A few seconds later, he heard the door get shut.

Curiosity would surely nag at him for the rest of day, but he was glad to be alone again.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jonghyun had been dragging his fork across his plate for the last few minutes. After trying to initiate conversation and royally failing, this was all he could do to calm his nerves. Ever since he had gotten back home, Key had given him the silent treatment. The only word that had come out of his mouth was a ‘hey’ and in that syllable only, Jonghyun had felt the depth of his anger. He knew he deserved it, but it didn’t make it any less frustrating.

‘So... who are you meeting with tomorrow?’ he tried once more.

Key didn’t even lift his head. Instead, he picked up his phone as if he was the only one in the room.

Jonghyun waited but the other’s eyes stayed fixed on the device, his other hand playing with his fork. His level of frustration was rising by the second and even if he felt like getting up and leaving, he knew that wasn’t going to help. He’d evaded the issue enough. They needed to talk.

‘Kibum...’ he softly called out.

Still no reaction. When Key was set in a mood, there was little one could do to get him out of it.

‘Look, there’s no need to act immature about this,’ he finally snapped.

Within a second, he had his boyfriend’s eyes fixed on him. His gaze was piercing.

‘How dare you?’ the younger one snarled as his phone bounced against the table. ‘I’m acting immature?’ he emphasized with a snort.

Jonghyun knew not to roll his eyes at the other’s little fit. ‘I only mean that we should just talk instead of turning this into a big deal,’ he explained as calmly as he could.

Key’s expression had nothing to reassure him. ‘Oh so now you want to talk?’ he spat before his mouth dropped open in disbelief. ‘You’ve been pushing me away for weeks,’ he reminded harshly.

Jonghyun bit the inside of his cheek. There was no arguing with that. ‘I know...’ he croaked. He could feel himself tense up as a million words tried to push their way to his mouth, but none passed through. He could only blink and try not to crumble under his guilt.

‘That’s all you have to say?’ the brunette exploded. ‘You...’ He stopped. He wasn’t going to go off like he always did; he wasn’t the one who needed to do the talking. He clenched his jaw in an effort to keep his composure.

The need to break the uncomfortable silence that was closing in on them was heightened by the second, but Jonghyun remained silent. He knew this conversation could go two ways and he wasn’t sure which way to go. With every passing second, the urge of blurting out everything that was running through his mind was getting stronger. Everything he had right now could be destroyed if he just said the words.

‘Kibum, I...’ He paused. Just one look at the other one’s face had his mindset shift completely. The wavering eyes he was staring into betrayed the stoic façade he had been putting on. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he said softly.

The younger one didn’t move, didn’t even blink. ‘Are you?’ he questioned.

Jonghyun knew him too well. His indifferent stance didn’t mean that he wasn’t hurting, on the contrary; he only got that way when dealing with his emotions was too much to bear. He took it as his cue to walk up to him and by a forceful pull, trap him in an embrace. Instinctively burying his face in the crook of the taller one’s neck, his unsettling thoughts took the back seat as he allowed himself to prickle his bare skin with light kisses.

‘I love you,’ he whispered against the other one’s ear. The latter’s ensuing shiver comforted him. He suddenly felt like everything was back in its right place. 


	12. Weak.

‘This one or...’ Key picked up the other watch. ‘Or that one?’ he completed as he displayed them alternately.

Waiting was not his forte so when he saw that his boyfriend wasn’t listening, annoyance made him stern in the face. ‘Jjong,’ he called out sharply.

Jumping slightly at the sound of his name, the older one turned his gaze towards him. ‘What?’ he uttered in confusion.

A cold stare from the other unsettled him, but fortunately it didn’t last as his attention went back to the watches. ‘I asked you which one you preferred?’ the younger one reiterated with a forced calm.

Jonghyun looked at both, unfazed. He recognized their intricate and luxurious quality, but he couldn’t care less. This wasn’t his kind of thing.

‘I don’t know, either looks fine to me,’ he expressed nonchalantly. He knew this should be important to him too, but there was so much going on in his mind that this particular choice seemed irrelevant.

Despite that, he reconsidered as he grasped the sheer disappointment covering his boyfriend’s face. ‘I think the _Audemars Piguet _is more his style,’ he observed, barely stumbling over the pronunciation of the brand’s name.

With the hint of a smile, Key nodded. ‘I think you’re right.’ He put the other one back in its cushioned white case and held out the chosen one for the salesman to see. ‘It’ll be this one,’ he informed.

The man took it from his hands. ‘Good choice,’ he uttered approvingly, before disappearing with it in the back.

Relief washed over the brunette as a wide smile plastered his face. ‘Thanks,’ he quickly threw his way before walking over to another part of the shop.

Making sure the other one was far enough, Jonghyun took out his phone again. Eyes stopping on the last text he had received, he felt his insides churn. The other’s persistence surprised him and even worst, eroded his resolve, but he needed to keep it no matter what. He had learned many times that giving in only brought him more pain. He wasn’t going to keep on making the same mistakes; not anymore. Blocking out any hesitation he had, he deleted the messages he had kept.

He lifted his head as the man came back with a box in his hands. ‘Here you go, sir,’ he hailed, taking his place back behind the counter.

Key skimmed through the rows, his credit card already out when he stopped before him. In a matter of minutes, the transaction was over and they were making their way back to the car.

But suddenly the younger one halted. ‘Oh my god,’ he exclaimed in panic.

‘What?’ Jonghyun blurted.

‘Why didn’t I think about that before...’ he whined as he bounced lightly on his feet.

The older one frowned, his mouth slightly agape. ‘Care to enlighten me?’ he finally asked.

‘I just realized that maybe Jinki had the same idea... Maybe he came here too and bought a watch.’ The tone of his voice betrayed some frustration and the sigh that followed, some annoyance.

Jonghyun’s eyes flicked to the ground. The sound of the name that had permeated his mind constantly left him shaken. Feeling the weakness spread, he ran a hand through his hair and cleared his throat as to regain some control. 

‘So you two didn’t talk about this?’ he gathered.

Key’s lips curled into a pout. ‘I usually think about those things. I guess I’ll just have to call him later.’

‘I know your dad loves watches but getting the same...’ He paused. A little bribe of crucial information had crossed his mind at that very moment. In a few days, he would be seeing him again. It baffled him how he had not realized that before. Key had been talking about his father’s birthday party for days now and it hadn’t occurred to him until now that Jinki would naturally be there. Once again, he felt himself get weak.

‘It would be so awkward,’ the brunette finished with a laugh.

‘Yeah...,’ he agreed absent-mindedly before closing in on the distance between him and their car.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_‘I’m sorry, Minho,’_ Jonghyun thought as he downed a glass of rum. He had been serious about keeping his promise but this night was taking a toll on him and it had barely begun. People covered every square foot of the room, amplifying his already hard to bear anxiety. He had always hated those types of gathering, but for Key’s sake he was going to keep it together. At least he would try; nothing was sure yet. As much as he had tried to distract himself with meaningless talks, he couldn’t help but wonder when Jinki would arrive. He forcefully entertained the hope that he wouldn’t show up when he knew quite well that he craved his presence. It didn’t matter that Key stayed by his side the entire time, he just couldn’t shake it off.

‘Woah, ease up on that,’ his boyfriend advised as he watched him pour himself another drink.

Holding back a snort, he brought the glass to his lips, this time forcing himself to just take a sip. ‘Don’t worry, I don’t plan on getting drunk,’ he reassured quickly.

Key still eyed him with some worry, but he shrugged it off. This was the only way he was going to make it through this night.

‘Jinki,’ he suddenly heard. As his gaze travelled to the other side of the room, he found that the shrill voice that had called out his name belonged to one of their aunts. His eyes unfortunately stopped next on him and he felt his heart pang. All apprehension left him as he was left astounded by his appearance. His dark hair was pulled back in a way that accentuated the sharpness of his features and his outfit made it impossible for him to look away. From the fitted white dress shirt which was complemented nicely with a casual yet distinguished jacket to the black jeans that hugged his lower body just right, there was no arguing that he looked stunning. Even more so as he flashed a bright smile at the relatives coming his way.

But he suddenly broke free from his daze as another familiar face appeared in the picture. His hand tightened around his glass as a mixture of anger and hurt crashed over him.

‘Oh my god, I can’t believe he brought Taemin,’ Key voiced with disdain.

Jonghyun felt his mouth turn dry. They were coming their way. He only had a few seconds to mentally prep himself before they halted in front of them.

‘Nice to see you two,’ Taemin immediately dove in, flashing a bright smile that made the other two cringe. 

Jonghyun waited for his boyfriend to give him a piece of his mind, but surprisingly, he didn’t, turning instead his head towards his brother.

‘So, what did you get him?’ Key inquired.

Jinki laughed. ‘Still scared I got him the same thing?’

The brunette rolled his eyes. ‘No, I’m just curious.’

‘Well, you’ll see later,’ the older one replied teasingly.

As Key kept nagging him for an answer, Jonghyun turned the other way, trying to distract himself with the sight of the food displayed before him. He was debating on whether to take or not some shrimp appetizers, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He jumped slightly at the contact before retrieving his initial position. His heart fluttered as his hazel eyes fell into darker ones.

‘It’s been a long time,’ Jinki pointed out as he held his gaze.

Jonghyun acknowledged his words with a nod, preventing the conversation to go any further.

‘Let’s go find your father,’ Taemin suddenly urged as he tugged on the other one’s jacket.

After giving them a courteous smile, Jinki followed in his steps.

‘I still can’t believe he brought that little brat with him,’ Key let out as soon as they were far enough.

‘I guess they’re back together...’ Jonghyun put down his glass; it was no use drinking anymore.

The pain he was feeling wouldn’t be dulled by anything.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jonghyun couldn’t help stealing glances every few seconds. Despite the crowd that was surrounding him, his focus had no time to spare for any of them. He had tried fighting with his mind again and again throughout the evening, but it was stronger and let every little thought and feeling he had tried so hard to suppress break free in that moment. Nothing escaped him as he didn’t even make an effort to look away anymore. He watched his every move, his every expression and unfortunately his every display of affection towards Taemin. It wasn’t anything dramatic, but nonetheless he could feel his body tense up every time their hands intertwined or their eyes met. He knew his face would betray him as his stare turned into a glare, but he couldn’t care less. The naive part of him had tricked him into believing things could just go back to the way they were, but he had yet another proof that they couldn’t.

He finally detached his gaze from the annoying sight to momentarily go back to what they had been gathered here for. Key’s father was going through the gifts one by one, a never ending smile dancing on his lips as his eyes glinted with joy. Jonghyun would’ve been happy watching him if his expression and features didn’t bring him back to thinking of a certain face. Fortunately, Key commanded his attention as he grabbed his arm in excitement.

‘It’s our gift,’ he beamed as his grasp tightened.

His father’s smile widened and he opened the little red box that was nestled in his right hand. His surprise showed clear on his face as he released the watch from its case. A trail of impressed exclamations and nods of approval ensued. He immediately put it on, a satisfied expression settling on his features.

‘I love it,’ he directed towards them. It felt genuine and Jonghyun suddenly felt Key relax beside him.

‘Thank you Kibum, and you too Jonghyun,’ he added warmly.

‘I’m glad you love it, dad,’ Key replied with a smile.

Jonghyun forced himself to smile too, hoping it seemed authentic enough. The corners of his mouth dropped again as soon as the celebrated went on with his gift opening. The boxes, envelopes and gift bags succeeded each other at a pace that he wished could’ve been accelerated. The night was dragging on and all he wanted was to cut it short.

‘Oh, this is mine,’ a voice signified clearly through the chatter.

Jonghyun didn’t need to take a look this time. He knew who’s it was all too well. And so did he know the one that immediately jumped in to suck up to the older man. The latter opened the bag in which he’d unravel his surprise. Tissue paper rustled as his hand went in and took out a little book. A clear laugh left his lips.

‘How did I know you’d give me a book?’ he teased as he looked at his son. His gaze then went back to the black cover before he opened it to figure out its content. His eyes suddenly widened. ‘This is...’ He stopped.

Jinki walked up to his father, crouching to get closer to his seated form. ‘They were scattered all over my apartment and I thought it’d be nice if we had a keepsake,’ he exposed for everyone to hear.

‘She really had a way with words,’ his father noted after a while. ‘And she transmitted that gift to you,’ he continued as he started tearing up.

Jinki wrapped his arms around him as everyone voiced how sweet the idea was. Jonghyun was left puzzled. Even though he had known Key for quite some time, they had never really talked about his mother apart from the quick mentioning that she died when they were in their teens.

‘What’s in that book?’ he inquired, turning to a visibly shaken Key.

The brunette cleared his throat. ‘Our mother’s poems. She loved to write... it didn’t matter where we were, if she felt inspired she’d just take out a piece of paper and put down what came to her,’ he explained earnestly. ‘I had forgotten about that...’ he realized with guilt.

Jonghyun brought a hand to his back, stroking it in a soothing manner. He was glad he knew a little more about her. This was probably the only good side this night would have.

‘I made one for you too, Kibum,’ Jinki informed as he looked their way.

Key’s bottom lip quivered before he addressed a quiet _thank you_ to his brother.

‘Thank you, son,’ their father uttered as he regained his composure. ‘It really means a lot,’ he added softly.

Jinki just smiled and walked back to where he stood before. Jonghyun couldn’t help but look at him again and when their eyes locked for the second time that night, he didn’t shy away.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

He retraced his steps for what felt like the millionth time. He should’ve known finding a bathroom in that big house wouldn’t have been that simple. And he had been too prideful to accept indications. Now, he just wanted to hit himself. He took another guess and pushed a wooden door similar to all the other ones.

He sighed as he walked into what looked like a study. There were all the usual: the bookshelves, the desk, the cushioned chair, the laptop, but also sofas and a pool table and so much space. He already felt more at ease here and suddenly wished he had brought his glass of rum with him. A sigh, this time of relief, escaped his lips. He was happy to finally get some time alone. Especially since the shared looks had increased, making him extremely uncomfortable. What did it even mean? 

He had tried to keep himself in check as best as he could, ignoring his texts and voicemails and trying to keep his focus on his boyfriend, but he had to face it, he was tired of fighting. If anything, he just wanted to screw everything up and give in, but then again, he remembered that Jinki was now someone else’s. Which hurt in an indescribable way, but which foremost left him confused.

He leaned against the pool table. Closing his eyes, he relaxed his body and tried to keep his mind blank. The only faint sound of his breathing managed to calm him so he centered all his attention on it. Breathing in, breathing out; over and over again.

But the peace he had finally managed to find from within was disturbed by the sound of the door opening. Panic struck him and his eyes darted all around trying to find a place to hide, but there was none. Steps echoed against the wood floor, getting louder at each second. Jonghyun held his breath but puffed it right out as the person came into view. His heart skipped and he held on to the edge of the table.

No words could be said in that moment. The air suddenly felt thick, trapping them in some tense trance.

‘What are you doing here?’ Jonghyun finally managed to say, his voice coming out with a coarseness he hadn’t expected. 

Jinki waited, debating in his mind what to say. ‘I was just wandering...’ he replied casually.

Jonghyun cocked an eyebrow.

‘Whatever,’ he retorted after a while. He started walking towards the door, but a strong hand grabbed his arm, rendering him still. He gave the other a puzzled look. ‘Let me go,’ he pleaded as he watched him getting closer.

‘No,’ Jinki objected sharply. ‘We need to talk,’ he continued, this time a little more gently.

The younger one could’ve just simply detached himself from his grasp and still walk away, but something inside him was working counter his better judgement.

‘About what?’ he inquired as he made his way back to his initial spot. The more distance there was between them, the better.

‘Are you mad at me?’ Jinki asked, voice softened from worry. 

There were a few reasons he would have right now to say yes, but he didn’t even feel anger anymore. ‘No,’ he answered with a sigh.

‘Well why are you acting this way?’ the older one threw back instantly.

Jonghyun was a little taken aback. He hadn’t expected to be confronted so openly. He could see the other one was troubled; for the first time, he could see through him. 

‘Do you really want me to be honest?’ he uttered quietly.

Jinki stared at him. ‘Yes.’

‘Well you first,’ Jonghyun deflected. ‘Are you and Taemin back together?’ he bluntly asked.

The other’s mouth fell open. Eyes falling to the ground, he rubbed the back of his neck. ‘I... I don’t know.’

The blonde snorted. ‘Seriously?’

A soft sigh slipped from the brunette’s plump lips. ‘We’re not together, Jjong. I just... ‘ He stopped. His eyes were still looking down. ‘I just thought... maybe...’ Another sigh ensued. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking,’ he concluded, voice weary from exasperation.

‘So why did you bring him here?’ Jonghyun’s tone was pressing, the outline of an answer already forming in his mind.

Jinki’s gaze darted to the left, fixing a bookshelf that stood proud in the back. ‘You weren’t answering any of my calls, or texts and... and it... it affected me far more than I thought it would.’ This time his eyes stopped on him. ‘I hate myself for saying this, but I was trying to get back at you for ignoring me for so long,’ he finished, his expression earnest from such confession.

Jonghyun’s eyes widened as he registered what that meant. ‘You were trying to make me jealous?’ he exclaimed, voice elevating from surprise.

The older one could only nod.

Huffing in disbelief, he slowly turned the other way, trying to gather himself.

‘I don’t know why you thought it would make me jealous,’ he said with almost enough sharpness to make it believable.

But Jinki was no fool. ‘Jjong... I think we’re past being in denial now. We both know what’s been happening in the past weeks and you made it pretty clear the other night too.’

As his hands turned cold, the images of that said night came back to him. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ Jonghyun denied still.

‘We should head back to the living room,’ he added as he saw the other take a few steps in his direction.

Not waiting for an answer, he walked away until two arms circled around his waist, bringing him to a halt. Feeling the other’s hard chest pressing against his back was almost too much.

‘What are you doing?’ he asked in a much more alarmed tone than he had intended.

‘I just need to hear you say it,’ Jinki uttered softly against his ear.

A shiver ran down his spine, his legs menacing to give out at any moment. ‘Say what?’

‘You know what.’

‘Jinki...’ he whined. He couldn’t keep his act up anymore. His mind was going crazy and his heart was about to burst.

‘Jonghyun...’ He held him tighter, his lips brushing teasingly the crook of his neck. ‘Please,’ he insisted.

The younger one’s eyes closed shut, head swooning. ‘I...I...’ He couldn’t even think.

‘I can’t.’ The words had crossed his lips faintly, barely audible.

And with the little composure he didn’t know he had left, he freed himself from his warm embrace and made his way to the door, not once glancing back. 


	13. Happy ending.

_Their lips brushed and he could almost taste the sweetness of his mouth as his warmth overwhelmed him. His eyes were half-shut and his mind fuzzy as if he had drunken a whole bottle of wine. But he hadn't, he was only being unsettled by the effect the other had on him. An effect he had long been fighting, but that he couldn't anymore. He inched even closer, finally removing the distance between their skin. He relished in the feeling of his mouth capturing his, a need he had forever wanted to fulfill. A moan escaped him, breathy and shallow, but resonant in their closeness. _

_'I just need to hear you say it,' the other repeated after letting go of him. _

_Jonghyun looked into his eyes, buried in the intensity piercing through them. He didn't want to fight anymore. _

_'I...' He inhaled. 'I lov-'_

His body abruptly bent upwards as it suddenly regained its vitality. He unwillingly took in a deep breath as his lungs opened wide from the turmoil he was experiencing. It took him a while of just chest heaving and mind blanking to get back to this surroundings. His eyes registered the room he was in and his mind was instantly reminded of where he was. He sighed as he slowly made his way back to calmness and took off of himself the sheets he had been loosely wrapped in. He moved his legs to the edge of the bed and clumsily got up, weariness still latched onto him.

He took a few steps until he reached the door and walked out into the hallway, already settled on where he was heading. The kitchen was plunged in darkness and he made no effort to lighten it as he had no trouble anymore deciphering what was around him. He knew exactly where to go take what he was looking for. He had been there too many times already. Opening a particular cupboard, he reached in to take out a small glass and closed it slowly to minimize the noise as much as he could. He then reached downwards to another, place where the remedy to his woes was kept. This time what he took out was a bottle of wine, a random one, because any would do the trick. This was a secret he had been forced to carry for the last few days, but he wasn't ashamed of it anymore. He just needed it to get through his nights. He filled his glass completely and downed it in seconds, only to repeat the process a few times. He allowed himself to pause just to take in the sensation that was spreading through his body. He could feel his muscles relax, but his mind wasn't at ease just yet. It usually took him three quarters of a bottle to reach some numbness.

His arm brought the wine to his lips, but he was suddenly halted by the light abruptly uncovering him. He shut his eyes immediately, aggressed by its brightness, but rapidly blinked as to see what had caused it. When he could see again, his lips parted in surprise as he saw Minho glaring at him. The latter walked intently to him only to snatch the glass out of his hand. He then grabbed the bottle and settled them at the other end of the counter before resting his back against it. Crossing his arms, he frowned purposely as to show his blatant discontentment.

'Seriously?' he exclaimed with anger.

Jonghyun wasn't looking his way anymore, instead he directed his gaze outside, peering through the window and into the still night. He was already out of his home, he couldn't just up and leave here.

'What do you want me to say?' His voice was filled with defeat. He didn't care what his best friend could think of him anymore. He just wanted to be left alone.

'I don't want you to say anything, but I sure don't want you to be drinking!' the younger one expressed vehemently.

Jonghyun sighed. 'I couldn't sleep...'

'Drinking is not the answer. You know that, Jjong. Dammit.' He didn't sound angry anymore, just sheerly disappointed.

'So what is, Minho?' Jonghyun retorted derisively. 'What are my other options, huh?'

'Anything! Go out, run... I don't know, wake me up and talk to me or just...' He stopped himself as his expression betrayed a silenced thought.

'What?' Jonghyun inquired with dread. He had a feeling he knew what the other was going to say.

'Or just...' Minho resumed. 'Just face what it is that's going on in your mind and just deal with it,' he finally let out earnestly.

The blonde snorted. 'Yeah, sure. Thanks Minho, I'll be sure to follow your advice.'

He saw his friend's jaw clench with unmistakable irritation, but didn't let it get to him. He had enough to deal with as it was and he didn't need to be taking another person's feelings into account. May it be that it made him a bad friend at the moment, but part of him knew the other wouldn't abandon him. He at least had that confidence.

'We've been friends for a really long time, so you acting up doesn't hurt me at all and you know it. You can't expect me to not address the issue when it's tearing you apart. How long are you going to hide from this?' the brunette laid out to hopefully get his point across.

'Minho... not now,' the older one implored as he felt his head get heavy. He couldn't answer him; he just couldn't deal with things right now.

'Are you at least going to call Kibum?' Minho then questioned, resolved to get through to him.

That he had no trouble answering. 'He kicked me out, soooo... I don't think so.' This was another thing he didn't need to have brought back. Whenever his mind would descend that road, he would always see his boyfriend's cold eyes dig into his as he asked him to leave. That had only been a few days ago, but it did feel like it had happened in another life. In fact, everything was starting to feel like a distant memory, like a life he should forget.

'I would've probably done the same thing if I were him,' Minho pointed out.

Jonghyun couldn't hide his shock, but that only lasted an instant as it soon turned into a snicker.

'Wow, you finally agree with him on something.'

'Yeah, because I know how you can get it. You just shut people out and don't even consider their feelings,' Minho reprimanded as he retrieved his previous anger.

Jonghyun's face hardened. 'How dare you say that to me?' he rasped unknowingly.

Minho's gaze just shifted as he realized the weight of his words. 'Look Jjong, I'm sorry...'

'I know you care,' he continued. 'But it's just hard to deal with when you're just trying to help someone and they block you out completely. I know it must be hard for him, because it's really hard for me. And I've known you for a long time...'

Jonghyun couldn't deny the guilt that was always menacing to seize his gut any longer. He had tried to be blind to everything and everyone, but he had to face it. That wouldn't solve anything. It never did.

'I am sorry,' he finally uttered. Then, he wrapped his arms around his weakened frame, seeking some warmth.

All the thoughts he had barely managed to push away were all coming back full force. He was overwhelmed again by the rollercoaster of his emotions unravelling, but it somewhat felt relieving.

'Thanks for always being there for me,' he then added as his mind cleared with realization.

'I'll always be,' Minho reassured. He took a few steps closer, until he was right in front of him.

'I do have something to confess though, and I hope you won't be mad at me,' he revealed.

Jonghyun frowned in confusion. 'Tell me,' he immediately pressed.

'He called me,' Minho replied directly.

'Whaa...' Jonghyun uttered meekly. He didn't have to be told who to know who he was talking about. But he had to be sure. 'Who?' he voiced, eagerness blatant in his tone.

'You know who... I didn't want to let you know, because I didn't want to be involved in your affair but-'

'There is no affair,' Jonghyun interjected sharply.

Minho pursed his lips. 'If you say so,' he conceded a few seconds later. 'But, he started again. 'I can't keep it in anymore.'

'When?' Jonghyun inquired.

'When did he call?'

Jonghyun only nodded.

'Two days ago. He told me he couldn't reach you on your phone and so that's why he called me, asking if you were okay and all,' Minho explained reluctantly.

'And... that's all?' Jonghyun pursued as a sting of hope sparked his heart rate.

The younger one sighed. 'No... he... he asked me to tell you that he wanted to see you, but I said no. And then I hung up.'

'Oh...' Jonghyun let out. His nerves were pulsing with excitement; that information only had awaken him.

'He wants to see you, Jjong... And I... I think you should go see him,' Minho said to the other's outmost surprise.

'Really?' Jonghyun exclaimed. 'Why?'

'Just seeing your face lighten up just now confirms what I thought. There's just no use running away from him,' Minho exposed.

Jonghyun felt relief wash over him. In that moment, he finally allowed himself a thought towards a different outcome. Maybe things could work out.

'But, please talk to Kibum,' Minho insisted. 'I don't like the guy, but it's still unfair to treat him like this.'

With that said, guilt joined in with the relief, creating a bittersweet mixture inside him.

'I know,' he simply said before looking down to the floor.

As much as he despised himself for what he had put his boyfriend through, he couldn't ignore what he wanted. He couldn't fight it anymore.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jinki groaned as he looked to his side, eyes stopping on the alarm clock on his nightstand. He had overslept again. It was already past noon, but he still felt tired. He rubbed his eyes weakly before straightening up, his arm hitting soft flesh in the process. He looked beside him and sighed as he saw the uncovered figure of Taemin sprawled on his bed. Fragments of the past night suddenly came back to him, making him wince from disgust. He should've never had drunk so much, but god knows he had needed it in that moment. He had been desperate for a break from his relentless mind. Taemin had provided some distraction, but it was one that only added to his guilt and unease. He knew he should've put an end to it, but he had been weakened by his feelings and had craved any warmth and form of affection he could get. Even so, the void that had built inside him wouldn't leave. Nothing could replace what he was in real need of.

He forced himself to move, despite feeling stiffness in every limb. Once he was standing, he instinctively made his way to the bathroom. What usually took him five minutes, took him almost fifteen as every one of his movements was slowed by the remaining effects of the alcohol in his system. He walked out of there feeling slightly better now that his mouth didn't feel so pasty, but he knew he'd only get better with some coffee so the kitchen was where he went next. Setting everything up for the machine, he then pressed the red button. It wasn't long that the comforting smell invaded the space and he closed his eyes just to bask in its warmth. He then poured it into one of his large cups and made his way to the living room.

As he sat in front of his wooden table, he knew what he had to do. He took out the papers he had left beside his laptop. His eyes scurried down them as he immersed himself again in his own writing. He had had a lot of time lately to work on that particular piece, which felt good to some extent but incredibly bad at the same time since it had always been a way to cope. He had felt the compulsion to write his heart out as he had waited and waited to get a call from the one he so miserably failed to forget. Whenever his fingers would put down the pencil he could feel the weight on his mind get lighter, but the feeling was always ephemeral, which forced him to keep going and going not knowing if he'd ever really feel better.

When he finished reading what he had last wrote, a sharp bitterness filled his mouth, one which he wasn't accustomed to as he was from the taste of his coffee. It only took a second for him to realize that he needed to get to the bathroom and fast. He ran towards it, barely making it before everything that had been confined inside his stomach came out in throws in the toilet bowl. When he finally caught his breath, he let his back fall against the ceramic wall, trying to regain his composure. But he only felt worn down, his body emptied of every ounce of energy. So he closed his eyes in hopes that it would help, but it only caused his mind to drift. It went to every place he could never forbid it to go. And with his sudden weariness, everything turned hazy making the memories playing in his head trail in an unorganized manner as if someone had messed with the film strip. But it didn't matter because every image was of the blonde which made every thought hurt more and more.

_'I just need to hear you say it,' _he heard again in his head. He felt a sharp pang in his stomach as the whole encounter replayed in his mind. So much had been said, yet nothing had been resolved. He had just made a bigger mess saying everything that he had said, but not once had he regretted it. He couldn't understand it, but he couldn't help wanting to push the other to his limit. He wanted to know that he wasn't alone in what he was feeling.

He finally opened his eyes, grasping his surroundings again before slowly getting up. He flushed the toilet and washed his hands. As he stepped out, he felt like he was stepping out of a dream and going back into the real word. He didn't know how much time he had spent in there on the floor, but it almost felt like he was starting a new day again. Of course, the illusion was broken as he stepped into the living room and saw Taemin with papers in his hands.

His eyes widened as he realized just what papers they were. He lost no time reacting, pulling them out of his hold and bringing them back in his own. Taken aback, the other just blinked at him.

'What's the matter?' Taemin asked nonchalantly.

Jinki felt a mixture of things boiling up inside him. Anger and embarrassment were the most glaring, but he self-talked himself into keeping it together. He couldn't show he cared that much for a measly story.

'Nothing, it's just that...' He paused. He felt so exposed and angry that his first impulse told him to kick him out, but he knew better than to listen to that. 'You know I don't like it when people read my stuff,' he finally uttered as gently as he could.

Taemin's lips curled into a feigned pitying pout. 'Aaaw, I know and I'm sorry, but it was just laying out there and I thought I'd just get a glimpse of it,' he explained matter-of-factly, which just exacerbated the other's irritated state.

Jinki was now holding the papers tight against his chest. 'How much of it did you read?' he inquired with feelings of angst tugging at his core.

'Oh just a little,' he attempted to reassure. 'I'm not sure I grasped everything that was going on, but it did feel to me like your character was about to cheat,' he completed with what had turned into a sly smile.

The older one felt his face heat up with unease.

'I'm surprised you'd write something like that,' Taemin continued as he walked closer to him.

'Why wouldn't I? It's a subject like any other,' he replied with as much conviction as he could muster.

'True, but writers or any artist for that matter draw most of their inspiration from personal experience,' the younger one pointed out intently. He was now facing the taller one closely, leaving only a few inches between them.

'It's not always the case,' Jinki persisted. There was no way he was giving him access to what was going on.

'Well then if this is all fiction, you have all the power to decide how this ends. Will he cheat?' Taemin inquired purposely.

Jinki frowned. 'I don't know yet,' he simply answered.

The brunette pouted again. 'I hope you decide soon, this could be interesting.' His lips then widened into a grin. 

'It's not like you're going to read the rest,' Jinki reminded sharply.

'It's okay, I have a feeling I know how what's coming next. But the way you're writing it, it doesn't sound like this will have a happy ending.'

'I don't believe in happy endings.'

They both jumped as the phone suddenly rang. Jinki immediately ran towards it, picking it up without hesitating.

'Hello?' he uttered hurriedly.

'It's me,' Kibum said.

'Oh,' he let out of sheer disappointment.

'Oh?' the younger one echoed, clearly displeased.

'No no, I'm sorry. I just... I was distracted and... What's going on?' he miserably rectified.

'I just need to talk. Can we meet up?' the other asked.

'Yeah sure, where?'

'I don't feel like going out, so you can just come over,' Kibum indicated.

'Okay, I'll be there soon,' he settled before hanging up.

'Where are you going?' Taemin immediately asked.

'To Kibum's,' he answered as he started to move around.

'Aaah, you won't get to finish this now then,' he inferred as he pointed to the papers the other had finally set down on his table. 

Jinki just stared at him, annoyed.

'You know what I like most about stories,' Taemin started. 'It's the part where everything falls apart.' He smiled again. 'Exactly the point you're at right now.'

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jinki took a deep breath before knocking on the door. He had rushed out of his apartment to escape Taemin, but now he wanted to run the other way to escape having to face his brother. He had no more time to think about it as the door opened, revealing a worn out looking Kibum. He couldn't help his shocked expression which the other caught instantly.

'I know, I look terrible,' Kibum forwardly established. 'Come in,' he then gestured before closing the door behind him.

After Jinki had released himself from his coat and boots, he settled himself on a sofa, putting himself right in front of Kibum's already sitting figure.

'Things are that bad, huh?,' he observed with much discomfort.

The younger didn't shy from letting out his defeat into a loud sigh. 'I'm just so exhausted, you know?'

Jinki felt pained as he looked at his brother's withdrawn posture. His eyes were fixed downwards and his arms were curled around him, making look so fragile and helpless, something that so rarely happened.

'Have you... talked to him recently?' he asked carefully. That just made him realize how uninvolved he had been in his brother's life. Keeping himself away from him had made him forget how bad this situation was. He was hurting the other without him knowing. And there was nothing worse than that.

'No, what use is there?' Kibum snorted. 'I don't think he cares...' he added with a heaviness that betrayed his despair.

Jinki shifted on the cushion, but his slight movements weren't enough distraction from the distraught he felt. He had no right being there to comfort his brother.

'I...' He paused and took a deep breath. 'I'm sure he does, Bummie,' he tried to reassure.

'If he does, he has a weird way of showing it,' the younger one pointed out irritably.

Jinki didn't know what to say; there was nothing he could say.

'I've given him plenty of chances,' Kibum continued. 'I mean I've tried to talk to him over and over again, trying to get him to open up, but he didn't want to let me in...' His voice cracked. 'I just... why can't he trust me?' And just like that, the tears fell, tracing their way down his chiseled cheeks, which brought him to cover his face immediately.

'Oh my god, I'm so pathetic,' he uttered between muffled sobs.

Jinki got up to drop himself gently right beside him. He wrapped his arms around him, putting a hand through his hair to caress it in a soothing manner. This wasn't the time for him to get trapped by his guilt. His brother needed him right now.

'Don't ever say that, you're the strongest person I know,' Jinki reminded sincerely. 'It's okay to be sad.'

The younger one uncovered his face, revealing the core of his vulnerable state. 'I just...' He sniffed and wiped some tears out of his face. 'I just want him back...' He finally looked into his brother's eyes, getting past his shame. 'I need him...' he uttered before his shoulder shook from the weight of his burden.

The other felt heartbroken in front of such a sight. He couldn't leave him like this.

'You need to tell him all this,' Jinki brought himself to say. 'He needs to hear that,' he continued, as much to convince his brother as to convince himself.

'I don't think that's enough. I thought he loved me but-'

'He does,' Jinki persisted, despite everything he knew. 'Don't give up on him, he just... I don't know him as much as you do, but I've seen how he can get. I think he needs to be reminded that you love him no matter what.'

Kibum scoffed as he once again cleared his face from tears. 'I kicked him out, Jinki.'

'I know...' Jinki searched through his mind for an answer. He had never been one to lie, but in this moment he wanted to believe that he could save things. He had found them to be happy together and it couldn't have been all lost. He couldn't have messed it all up. He had to believe that.

'But he'll get over it,' he pursued. 'He's probably feeling guilty for the way he acted and is just waiting to hear from you,' he finished with as much conviction as he could transmit while his whole being was being torn apart with anguish.

Kibum's eyes lightened. 'You really think so?'

Jinki could feel everything inside him fighting against what he was about to say, but he had to say it anyways.

'Yes, I do.'

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jonghyun looked at his watch for what felt like the millionth time. He didn't know how long he had been seated there, waiting and tapping his fingers on the table, but his patience was growing thin. It was his own fault though, he had come way too early, his eagerness making it impossible for him to stay put. He just wanted to see him, no, he needed to see him. He had been avoiding it way too long and now he was ready to face whatever the outcome of their encounter would be. Still fidgety from anticipation, he started clicking his heels too under the table, a habit that never did much to appease him. He looked into his now empty cup of coffee and sighed. He was suddenly scared that the other wouldn't show up. That all the hope built up inside him would crash and become utter despair. He tried to even his breath that had quickened at that thought, but lost all control on it as he finally saw a familiar figure come into the picture.

Jinki walked up right to him after their eyes had met, his steps slow but determined. When he finally sat in front of him, Jonghyun felt like his heart had stopped. Not seeing him for so long just made the moment that much more overwhelming. He still had that natural charm that instantly oozed out of him, but Jonghyun noticed that he seemed preoccupied. And suddenly his anxiousness kicked in again.

'Hi,' Jinki said with a smile that made the other warm all over.

'Hi,' he replied right back, knowing he probably sounded as awkward as ever.

'I'm sorry I was late. Did you wait long?' Jinki asked attentively.

'No, no, you're not late actually. I just arrived... too early,' the younger one finished slowly as he guessed what the other would think.

Jinki laughed. 'Well, I'm glad you're here.'

Jonghyun couldn't help but smile. 'I should be saying that,' he observed.

'What? You thought I wouldn't come?' Jinki inquired, surprised.

'You never know... Things change...,' the blonde mused pensively.

Jinki nodded. 'I wish they didn't have to.'

Jonghyun frowned. Something about his tone didn't sit right with him.

'You should order something,' he advised as he tried to shrug it off.

Jinki's eyes peered at him, intent and serious. 'Jjong...'

Jonghyun felt his muscles tighten. His heart pulsed through every nerve, his mind and body falling into chaos as they registered that something bad was coming.

'What?' he uttered feebly.

Jinki reached over to take his hands in his, to which he showed no reaction, his whole focus being on what he was about to say.

'You need to go see Kibum,' he finally said, his eyes dropping as he did.

Jonghyun lips parted slightly, the words ringing inside his mind. He couldn't believe this. This wasn't what he had been waiting for.

'What...' he let out, feeling completely disoriented.

Jinki didn't say a word, instead squeezing his hands even more.

Jonghyun eyes shifted quickly, the surroundings becoming more and more of a blur as he tried to understand what was happening.

'That's why you wanted to see me?' he expressed indignantly as he retrieved himself.

Jinki let go of his hands as he fell back on his chair. 'I... I just realized that this... this is not right.' He finally allowed himself to look at him again, tensing up as he was hit by the other's angered expression.

'Seriously?' Jonghyun exclaimed his tone elevating from disbelief. 'You can't be fucking serious right now.' He was trying to keep it together, but this was just too much. He wasn't going to comply to such bullshit.

'Jjong, please try to understand. Kibum's my brother and he's your boyfriend. I mean before I came along you were so in love and... and...' He paused, searching for the right words. 'And it must still be there, that spark that got you two together,' he finished, unsure that it would do any good.

Jonghyun didn't know what to say. He just felt crushed.

'Jinki...' he pleaded, failing to complete his thought.

His anger had dropped, giving way to a helplessness he had no strength to hide.

'You can't do this to me,' he continued, lips quivering.

Jinki looked way, unable to face the pain he was causing. 'You can't do this to Kibum,' he replied dryly. He couldn't let himself be weakened.

'Are you telling me you didn't feel anything?' he threw in spite.

'Because even if you say you didn't, I won't believe you,' Jonghyun immediately filled in as to not deal with that possibility.

'I'm not going to deny that, but this is not about what we feel right now. Because it's probably just a temporary attraction that would fade really quickly if we gave in to it. It's not worth losing your relationship over something so fickle,' he laid out, all the while feeling his chest tighten.

Jonghyun bit down on his lip as he felt a sharp pang. 'So that's all it is to you...' he thought out loud, his whole body subsiding as pain spread through him.

Jinki mind raced with thoughts of taking it all back and doing the one thing he'd never thought he'd do, but he couldn't let that happen. He would never be able to forgive himself.

'Yes, I'm sorry,' he said as his body turned cold and his hands became covered in sweat.

Jonghyun could feel it coming. His vision was already getting blurry, but he wasn't going to let the other see him like this. He got up and ran out, keeping at it as he crossed the streets. Not thinking, not feeling, just moving.


	14. Right choice.

It had been four days since they had left and like every morning now, Jonghyun found himself in the kitchen, making pancakes. He had never been much of a cook so he had to stick to what he knew best. Nonetheless, he still made sure to mix things up a little. He gave a quick look at the hour, feeling the pressure to go faster as he had fallen behind on his usual schedule. He wanted everything to be perfect. His espresso was already ready and laid out with a crown of whipped cream to give it a pretty finish. He smiled to himself as he envisioned the other's face lighting up with content. He was finally feeling a little more relaxed around him, thing he hadn't felt in quite a while. He knew it was little attentions like these that would slowly but surely get them right back on track.

He was finally down to his last pancake and when he felt like it had reached the perfect balance of crispiness and softness, he placed it right on top of the others. He had made a big pile, knowing how much the younger one appreciated it them. And so did he for that matter. He then reached into the refrigerator to take out strawberries and then into one of the cupboards to take out the syrup. His hands worked quickly and he was almost done adorning his masterpiece when he heard footsteps near him. He turned around and his face dropped as he saw the brunette walk in.

'What's that face for?' Kibum asked with a laugh.

'I wanted to bring it up to you... you know as a surprise,' Jonghyun explained with lingering disappointment.

'Aaaw, baby.' Kibum walked up to him swiftly, trapping him into a tight embrace, both his arms circled around his neck.

Jonghyun held him back, inhaling his always sweet scent, which this time held on to his nostrils longer as if he was discovering it for the first time. When he pulled back, he noticed the glimmer in the other's eyes. He could see he was already pleased and that was enough for him.

'You're so sweet,' Kibum noted softly.

'It's the least I can do for you,' he naturally replied.

Kibum then turned his attention to what he had made and as Jonghyun had expected, a huge smile stretched his features. He stepped closer to the counter and dipped a finger into the whipped cream, before picking up the cup. He took a sip and hummed his delight.

'I swear you make the best coffee I've ever tasted.' And he brought the cup to his lips again, avidly taking it in. The cream lined his upper lip and Jonghyun couldn't help but smile at the cute sight. He was tempted to reach and wipe it off for him, but he was already taking care of it.

'I made even more pancakes today,' Jonghyun pointed out as he gestured towards the plate.

'I can see that,' Kibum exclaimed. 'Do you want me to get fat?' he reprimanded jokingly.

Jonghyun rolled his eyes. 'I've seen you eat before, thank god you have a good metabolism,' he teased.

'Yah!' He immediately fell into laughter, knowing very well he had no great comeback to that. When his eyes finally took in all the details, his hand landed right in the middle of his chest. 'It looks so pretty, too bad it's going to disappear into our bellies,' he said cutely.

Jonghyun snickered. Indeed, it was almost too perfect to eat. Although it was nothing elaborate, the finely cut strawberries surrounding the pile of pancakes and the delicate drizzle of chocolate syrup descending along it made him feel proud.

'We should eat before it gets cold,' Jonghyun advised suddenly feeling his stomach grumble. He realized he had been up for quite a while and it was time he satiated his hunger. He picked up the plate as Kibum followed with their cups of coffee. They both set it on the dining table that was right next to where they were. Jonghyun ran back to take out some utensils and other plates and after handing them out to his boyfriend, he piqued into the pile and placed a bunch right in front of him. It was now his turn to hum as his tastes buds relished the sweetness of the treat. He took another bite and another, his eyes half-closed from pleasure. He didn't need much to be happy, only good food and good company. And right now, he had both. He could gladly say it now that he had gotten over himself. Not that some things didn't linger in his head anymore, but being away from everything had seemed to put the rest on pause and it was what he had needed to focus on them.

It had only been a week since he had agreed to give their couple another chance, but it felt like a lifetime had passed since then. He had been battling with himself for days, searching inside to figure out what was the right thing to do. The task had been made easier for him as he hadn't had to take the first step. Kibum had called him a few days after he had last seen his brother to ask him to come over. He hadn't been able to say no, but the awkward encounter that ensued brought on even more doubts. Another few days went by again before Jonghyun finally reached out to him in hopes of making things right. He didn't want to stay in the miserable state he had been in for so long and each time he'd think about the whole situation, one thing always came back to him... _'It must still be there, that spark that got you two together.' _

He had convinced himself that there had to be some truth in that, that those years he had spent with Kibum would pursue beyond this hindrance that had interposed itself between them. It was what crossed his mind every day, and it did again in that moment as he watched him stuff his mouth with pancakes. He was glad he had agreed to his offer to come here. It was great to get out of all that crap and be in a peaceful and quiet environment.

'Bummie...' he called out gently.

The other lifted his head, munching on the bite he had just taken. 'Yeah,' he mumbled.

'I just... this feels really nice,' he uttered sincerely.

'What is?'

'Being here... with you,' he specified with a smile.

'Tsk...Don't start getting all fluffy with me,' the younger one dismissed defensively.

But Jonghyun knew it had had the effect he wanted. His reddened cheeks gave him all the answer he needed.

He went back to clearing out his plate and for a few minutes, they stayed in a shared silence just enjoying the simplicity of the moment.

'Oh god, I'm full,' Kibum declared as he laid back on his chair.

'I'm just honoured that you finally acknowledge my food,' he bantered, which caused the other to scoff.

'You can't blame me for not wanting to eat it before. Remember the first time you tried to make supper?' the brunette sniggered.

'That's not fair. It was the first time I was doing the recipe,' he threw back.

'Jjong, it was only a Spaghetti Bolognese,' he reminded flatly.

'If you hadn't banned me from cooking afterwards, I would've gotten better a lot faster,' the older one retorted.

'It would've been a crime to let you waste food on your failed attempts,' the other added to his mocking strikes.

'Okay, that's it. I'm not making you pancakes nor espresso anymore,' he announced in retaliation.

'No, no, no, I'm sorry,' Kibum instantly said with laughter still shaking his shoulders. 'You know I don't mean it,' he trailed in a childish tone.

'Apologize then and recognize that I'm good at cooking... some things,' he added, knowing well enough he lacked talent.

'Alright, alright,' Kibum complied. 'I've got to admit that you're very good at making pancakes and you already know what I think about any coffee you make.'

Jonghyun was pleased. He had won this battle, which was a rare event when you were dealing with someone as stubborn as Kim Kibum.

'So what now?' he asked after he downed his cup.

He wasn't granted an answer right away. He watched as the other got up from his chair and made his way to him, only to settle right into his lap. 'How about we go upstairs?' Kibum suggested intently as their eyes locked.

Jonghyun couldn't help but gulp down a sudden nervousness. He hadn't been able yet to get himself back to the point where he could feel the same excitement he had so easily felt before for the younger one.

'Um... don't you think we should digest all that food?' he observed as he eluded his stare.

'Oh my god, Jjong... What the fuck?' Kibum expressed indignantly. 'The Kim Jonghyun I know is always up for sex,' he then noted.

'I know, but things aren't the same,' he reminded as he caressed his cheek. 'We need to take things slow,' he uttered already knowing what kind of response he would get.

Kibum couldn't hide his annoyance. 'Are you kidding?'

Jonghyun just looked down again.

'It's been four days since we're here and we haven't fucked. I think we've taken things slow enough.'

Jonghyun could feel the other's body tense up against his. He knew Kibum wouldn't let it go this time.

'I didn't want to upset you, I just...' Jonghyun had never been good at lying. He couldn't come up with a clever way to save himself.

'I get it, Jjong,' Kibum cut in. 'I know you feel guilty and want to make things right, but we don't have to act like a new couple. We just have to grow from what happened.'

Jonghyun just blinked. There was no way he could divert from it now.

He nodded before going in for a kiss. The warmth of the other's mouth made him feel a little more at ease. He didn't know why he was so scared. He had made his choice and he could either accept it fully or turn his back on everything and exit.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_He made his way through the door, letting out a big exhale as he was finally in. He had tossed and turned so long that he knew that something had to be done. He couldn't stay in that state any longer. Despite shaky hands and his heart thumping hard against his chest, he still felt like he had taken the right decision as he climbed the stairs. His legs felt heavy by the time he reached the right floor, but he kept going. He was now facing the door, eyes glued on the number that he had now seen numerous times. A moment passed like that, his body remaining still, as if he was hoping the door would open magically on its own. But he knew that'd never happen. This was the night he was taking action. This was the night he was making him his. He finally knocked, his heart picking up where it left off simultaneously. He had waited for this for so long and he was praying nothing would get in the way of what he wanted. He wouldn't let that happen. He knocked again, the seconds passing making him jittery. A sigh of relief left his lips when he heard sound on the other side. _

_The knob turned and the door opened wide. Their eyes met. _

_'What are you doing here?' the other asked, with surprise lodged in his hazel eyes. _

_He just walked inside, not giving him a chance to turn him down before he could speak his mind. When his coat fell off, he instantly reached for the other's waist only to bring him into a tight embrace. As he felt the warmth of the smaller body against his own, his mind fell into a lust-glazed mode, mode that felt unstoppable as he took hold of his lips on a sudden impulse. He pushed him against a wall, the thumping sound it created spiking up his desire. His right hand slid under his shirt, pushing his nerves to a pulse that threw him into bliss. The feel of his soft skin under his rough hands was somewhat of a pleasure he wasn't sure his mind would ever be able to describe. His fingers circled a nipple only to give it a sharp pinch, making the younger one buck his hips in response. The teasing didn't last long as his impatience brought him to take off his shirt to get even more of the delightful sensation. He let go of his bruised lips and made way with his own first to his neck and then lower, giving a little attention to his chest until he was on his knees and eagerly pushing down the other's pants. _

_'Wait...' the latter said with what he could feel was some fear._

_He looked up to him, offering him no words. There was none needed. He knew his gaze said it all. He wasn't playing anymore. _

_When he finally met the hardened flesh that was between his thighs, he showed no reserve. His mouth took him fully, the burning against his tongue and down his throat only... _

Jinki groaned as he hit the keyboard. _'I can't do this,' _he thought, defeated.

For the last few days, he had forced himself again and again to sit down for a few hours and write, but it always ended with him being frustrated and giving up. The worst part was that he kept writing the same thing over and over again, never being able to get past that certain point. He couldn't use it as an outlet anymore when he wasn't even sure what he wanted to express. When it had been about his previous relationships, it had been far more easy to get out all the anger and pain and resentment, knowing that things were over and that it was the only way he could move on. But now, it was different. Despite having drawn the line on the possibility of giving in to what they both wanted, he still didn't feel like it was over. There was always this lingering feeling nagging at him that kept him hungry with hope. He didn't like ambiguity. He wanted to be sure in his mind that he had made the right choice. And that's mainly what had haunted him since he had last seen the other one. He couldn't convince himself that he had indeed made the right choice.

He got off his chair and walked to the kitchen. Whether it was morning or very late at night, like it was presently, the one thing that comforted him a little was coffee. The other was cigarettes. Well it had been years back, but unfortunately, he had found himself falling back into that bad habit as his struggle had become relentless. So as the machine started its brewing process, he took out his pack that was already half-empty, and lit one. As he drew in his first puff, all his muscles relaxed and as an exhale pushed out the smoke, he felt a little at ease but only for a few seconds. Trying to reach for a prolonged relief, he went through it quickly and took out another one. By the time he was pouring his coffee into a cup, he was almost done with his third. As he realized that, he shook his head in disbelief as a little laugh escaped his lips.

_'I guess we all have our vices.' _And then his mind went to the first time they had drunk rum together, another memory making it hard for him to let go. The more he thought about all their encounters, the more he felt like they had something special. He hadn't been comfortable like that around someone in a very long time. It had just happened so naturally... and now it was exploding in his face. He had always had bad luck in love, mostly because he had made poor choices, but now that this one probably had everything he wanted, he couldn't have him.

'Dammit, Kibum...' he cursed as his thoughts wandered into _what if's _again.

What if he took his chance? What if this was meant to be? All those stupid questions were tiring him out. Despite being in need of sleep for days now, he'd always find himself laying in bed with his eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling as his mind games went on.

A loud sigh escaped him. He didn't know if he would be able to get through it again tonight. He knew he couldn't go on like this. It was not right.

He put his cup down, ready to pick up his phone. As his hand was about to grasp it, it suddenly rung making him jump from surprise. With his heart pumping inside his ears, he brought it up only to put it back down. He sighed again, this time from utter annoyance. He had thought the message would've been clear by now. He couldn't let Taemin in anymore. He didn't feel right using him as a distraction and he didn't feel right doing this any longer to Jonghyun. Not like at this point it would matter, but he couldn't help feeling guilty.

He knew the brat would keep bugging him for a reason he hadn't been able to figure out yet, but if there was something he was sure about was that things were over between them, this time for good.

He resumed his previous deed, his fingers finding the number he obviously knew by heart. He waited, rocking his body back and forth from nervousness. Disappointment crashed over him as he was directed to the voicemail, but he had resolve. He dialled again, waiting and praying for him to answer. When he didn't again, he felt helpless. He didn't know if he'd be able to find it in himself to do it again at another time. He searched through his mind, which was made difficult by all the turmoil he was experiencing, but a sudden flash had his eyes widen.

He looked through his contacts and smiled as he realized he had kept that number. Once selected, he waited, going through the same anticipation as before.

'Hello?' a hoarse voice answered.

Jinki suddenly realized he had probably waken the other.

'Um... it's me... Jinki,' he revealed uncomfortably.

'What the hell...' Minho expressed in confusion.

'I'm sorry to bother you at this hour, I just...' He hadn't really thought about what he would say. And now he definitely felt awkward.

'Well I sure know that you didn't call to ask about me, so just spill it,' Minho sharply directed.

Jinki suddenly felt stupid. Nonetheless, he had to finish what he'd started. 'Have you seen Jjong lately?...'

A few seconds passed in which he was answered with silence. And then he heard the other clear his throat. 'Why are you asking that?' Minho inquired defensively.

'Um... I just... I just want to know how he's doing,' Jinki partly admitted.

'Is that it?' Minho threw back knowingly. 'Well it doesn't really matter, because I don't know,' he immediately added in. 'All I know is that he's trying to make things right with his boyfriend,' he finished intently.

'Oh...' Jinki could feel the pain growing.

'I don't know what you had in mind when you called me, but you made your choice the last time you saw him. Don't get him all confused again,' the younger one indicated earnestly.

'I...' He gave up on his defense. There was nothing he could say. Minho was right, he couldn't go back on what he had said. He had lost his chance.

'I know,' he finally said. And that was that. He turned off his phone and took out another cigarette.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jonghyun sighed of relief as he stepped into the heat. The humid warmth felt very welcome to his tense body that slowly relaxed as he sat down. He was happy to finally be able to enjoy the pleasures of the steam room on his own. Not that it hadn't been fun with Kibum, but he had been in great need of alone time after this week spent together. It had not been easy to keep a comfortable front when his thoughts were still a bundled up a mess. He knew this would've never been easy, but he was frustrated at himself for letting things reach that point. His hands fell to his sides as he closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. He didn't feel like this trip had really been beneficial. It had started out great when they were just being around each other and talking, but when it had come to their intimacy, Jonghyun felt like he had failed the test. He hadn't been able to find that spark that riled him up whenever the other would get close to him or touch him. The only way he had been able to save the illusion was by letting his mind stray. Despite trying to fight it the first time to stay in the moment, he had finally surrendered to prevent any more trouble from coming between them. But that fact only was a major problem. If he couldn't be intimate with his partner without having thoughts for another, what could be really done to save them? With this fear crawling inside him, his hope was withering more and more. He had to figure it out. He just had to...

He sighed and reopened his eyes again only to be met with a volute of steam enclosing around him. A smile stretched his lips as he suddenly heard Kibum's whining in his mind.

_'How much longer are we going to stay in here? I feel like I'm about to melt.'_

_'It wouldn't be that bad, dying in here I mean. Maybe we'd just evaporate and make one with the steam,' he had exposed with a teasing smile. _

_'Tsk, you say the dumbest things sometimes,' the other said before breaking into laughter. _

That made him laugh again. And then he thought that it wouldn't be such a bad idea to stay in here forever. He felt so relaxed and somewhat at peace, like he wasn't even part of this world anymore. This what he'd needed. A refuge that for once wasn't going to be alcohol. This was much better for himself, but this would be the last time he'd get to enjoy it. He hoped that when they got back home, he could keep himself in check and not fall back into his bad patterns. He was tired of feeling so pathetic. It always brought him back to a time he'd rather forget. A time that now seemed so far away, so foreign in his mind. What would never cease to be clear though was how he had gotten out of it.

'Kibum, he pronounced into the dense air.

He closed his eyes again and fell into a chapter he hadn't encountered in a long time.

_'Here's your usual, a sugar-free vanilla caffe latte sprinkled with cinnamon,' he laid out proudly. _

_He had been seeing this man walk in every morning for the last few weeks with the same order crossing his lips and a smile widening them as he received it. He had been confident to see him again that morning so around the time he usually came, he had prepared his order nicely, even making nice swirl patterns into the cream. _

_'You prepared it in advance?,' the brunette exclaimed loudly. 'That's kind of creepy,' he added with a chuckle as he saw the other's face redden with embarrassment. _

_'But I am flattered,' he finally reassured. 'Although... I think I'm going to try something new today,' he revealed with a playful smile._

_'Aaah...' Jonghyun let out as disappointment crashed over him. He retrieved the drink he had prepared, but a soft hand on his stopped him. He looked up and met the beautiful feline eyes of the taller one. _

_'I was just kidding.' Kibum laughed as he took it back. He looked at it and smiled. 'You really went all out,' as he noticed the swirls._

_Jonghyun blushed again. 'I just... you're a regular costumer so...' He stopped as he realized how stupid he sounded. _

_Kibum laughed before taking a first sip. He instantly hummed his contentment. 'God... that always tastes so damn good.' He then handed out the money. 'Thank you.' _

_He flashed a wide smile and then turned on his heels before walking out the door. _

_Jonghyun's eyes widened as he unfolded the papers. A little card had been placed on top of it. He brought it up closer to his face. 'Kim Kibum,' he uttered softly. This pretty much looked like a business card which made sense because of the classy attires he always showed up in. He couldn't help the grin that stretched his features as he realized what that meant. His heart fluttered and it took him everything not to start jumping around like a little kid. No matter what would happen that day, he promised himself to hold on to that happiness he was feeling right now. _

His eyes opened again slowly. He felt like he had just awaken from a dream. The heat was starting to make his head swoon, but he didn't want to get up. It felt weird to have that memory pop up just now but he knew it was only in such setting that it could've happened. He realized he had put away all those memories, even before he met Jinki, and had just started taking their relationship for granted when it was the most precious thing he had had in his life. He owed him so much, yet he hadn't been able to give him the same.

The door slowly opened which startled him. Kibum's head appeared in the frame. 'I should've known you'd be here,' he bantered.

Jonghyun secured his towel with a hand. 'I left breakfast on the counter-'

'I know,' the younger one cut in. 'I already ate. I just wanted to tell you that we should start packing our stuff,' he explained.

'Oh yeah, right, I'll be out in a few,' he replied with a voice that came out feeble.

'Okay...' Kibum gave him a lasting look, but didn't add anything, instead closing the door.

Jonghyun gave himself a little push to get to the edge of the seat. But the weakness that had pierced through his voice had apparently spread through his body and he fell down to his knees, wincing from the impact. Without announce, his shoulders started shaking and the tears fell. He was confused at the cause of his sudden outburst, but didn't fight it, letting his head rest against the floor until he felt himself calm down.

As he stepped out of the room, he felt drained. He knew a good sleep would settle him right, but it would have to wait. They had to get back to the real world again.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jonghyun turned at the other exit. They had just hit the road and it felt good as the sun outside had manage to lighten up his mood.

'Oh god... so many messages...' Kibum whined as he scrolled through them. 'I knew I was taking a risk leaving for a week, but dammit these people need to learn how to do things for themselves,' he vented.

Jonghyun laughed. 'You should be flattered. It shows that you're indispensable,' he pointed out.

'Well yeah, but...' He huffed, which only made the other laugh again.

'Why don't you put that down for now and take a nap before we arrive?' Jonghyun suggested attentively.

Kibum sighed before complying. 'You're right, I should get as much rest as I can before I fall back into all that craziness.' He buried his phone into his bag and let his head fall against the window.

It wasn't long before Jonghyun could hear the soft even breaths he made when he slept. He smiled to himself as he took in the endearing sight. This is what he wanted, to find happiness in the simple things.

He drove and drove, until an hour became two. He didn't mind it though, driving always had that soothing effect on him and now was no exception. He was just remembering that amongst the other things this trip had helped him reconnect with. Somehow along the way, he had lost part of himself and he was glad to have found it again. He was suddenly feeling more optimistic about things.

He changed lane to engage on the highway, but was displeased to see that there was heavy traffic. He silently cursed before letting himself relax against his seat. His focus now being able to shift elsewhere brought back in mind the existence of his best friend. He had promised to call him when they got back, and now was a great time to do so. He took out his own phone, glad to finally have reception. He noticed he had two missed calls and figured Minho must've have tried to contact him earlier, but when he clicked on the message box, his mind blanked for a few seconds. When he got back to himself, his heart rate instantly picked up and his hands turned sweaty. He let his phone drop between his thighs as he fixed right in front of him.

A million thoughts were running through his mind, but in the end one thing resonated louder.

He had to see him. 


	15. Shattered illusion.

He looked at the wooden door, swallowing down his heart that kept menacing to jump out of his mouth. He didn't know how much time he had been waiting but it didn't matter. He wasn't going anywhere. After a week of staying put in his illusion that he could get back to the life he had before, he had finally decided to move. And now he was paralyzed again, but bubbling inside with anticipation and fear, both alternating madly as the minutes, and probably the hours at this point, went by. He didn't want to knock again or ring the bell, having done it a million times already. If the other was hiding from him inside, it was okay with him. Because one way or the other, he would have to step out and when he did, he would be waiting right here.

He took out his phone again, trying to kill some time. He sighed as he noticed Minho had tried to contact him again, twice already today. He knew he was to blame, but it didn't entice him to soothe the other with a phone call. He had seen him once since he had gotten back and had painted quite a nice portrait as he had explained their little trip. He had never thought of himself as a liar, but in that moment, the lies had just kept piling up to the point that he had almost believed in them himself. When he had gotten back home that night, he had made love to his boyfriend with an urgency that he had thought he would've never been able to find again. But as soon as it was over, the void engulfed him more violently, reminding him that he couldn't get rid of the truth. It wasn't his boyfriend that he had craved, it was a distraction. A distraction he had dragged on for a week, but that never released him from the lingering fact that he had to face him. His body and mind yearned for it so bad, that earlier that morning he had promised himself he wouldn't run away from it no matter what. That's why for what felt like an in interminable time, he stayed posted in front of his door, waiting for him.

The sudden sound of footsteps in the stairs nearby awakened him fully, and he popped up on his feet, mentally preparing himself for what was about to come. But as he saw the face attached to the echoing sound, his whole preparation crumbled. Anger had instantly hardened his body as his eyes fell on Taemin. But that anger soon turned into pain as his gaze then took in the other's presence.

'Jinki,' he couldn't help but utter.

The latter's eyes were wide open, his mouth dropping in the same manner. He froze in his spot, as they all did.

'What are you doing here?' Taemin forwardly asked with what Jonghyun could feel was annoyance.

Jonghyun didn't answer right away. He couldn't stop looking at the one he had imagined so many times, the one he had held all his hope for. And he started to feel helpless, as the older one didn't return his interest.

'Hello?' Taemin called out to remind of his inquiry.

Jonghyun was fighting too hard against himself right now to be able to get out anything. _'You can't leave,' _he told himself over and over again. So instead of walking right past them, he walked, but forward, closer to him until he was digging into his eyes. 'Can we talk?' His voice had come out strong and categorical to his own surprise.

Taemin turned to Jinki. 'Is he really ignoring me?' he asked him, unexpectedly falling into outrage.

'Tae...' Jinki started.

Jonghyun froze again at the softness of his voice. He had missed it so much. He already felt like part of him was fulfilled again just but its sound.

'We need to talk,' Jinki then echoed to the younger one with a somewhat apologetic tone.

'I don't believe that,' Taemin riposted as he crossed his arms.

Jonghyun could feel his anger rise again. 'It doesn't matter if you believe it or not, because I'm not going anywhere,' he found himself saying sharply.

They both blinked at him a few times, taken aback by his tone.

'Jinki...' Taemin whined as he wrapped his arms around his waist and buried his head into his neck.

Jonghyun's jaw clenched. The sight had exactly the effect it had intended on him. He felt like he wasn't far from extending his arm and punching the other's pretty face. In this moment, anything was possible.

'Taemin, please,' Jinki tried again.

'I'm not stupid,' he declared as he pulled back. 'You're not just going to talk,' he let out knowingly.

Silence answered his words, but it didn't linger long.

'Yes, we are,' Jinki reaffirmed convincingly enough.

'Well if that's the case, I can stay, right?' Taemin concluded with the persistency of an annoying little child.

'No,' Jonghyun refused immediately. His hands were itching to hit him. He had expected a lot of things, but having to deal with this brat wasn't one of them.

'I'll call you later, okay?' Jinki reassured before planting a quick peck on his lips.

Jonghyun cringed. He couldn't believe it.

Taemin's gaze travelled between the both of them, before he finally got his body back into motion. He was half way down the stairs, before he looked up again.

'Jinki... Don't be like me,' he advised. And then he disappeared.

Jonghyun deciphered the puzzlement that settled on his face amongst many other things. He could also see that something was missing. The Jinki he now had in front of him seemed exhausted, withdrawn.

Without any word, the brunette took out his keys and opened the door to his apartment. Jonghyun followed him closely, almost afraid to have the door shut in his face. He gave a quick look around and noticed that nothing had changed. Except that it was more messy than when he had last visited. He didn't wait for the other to guide him, he just took off his coat and boots and placed them before finally initiating contact with him again. It was a shallow one, but he could already see it had unsettled the older one. His hand that had reached to grab his arm suddenly dropped to his side as he saw his alarmed expression. He was scared again.

He searched into his mind as everything he had planned out to say had suddenly evaporated. Just looking at him was too overwhelming and with that, the hurt he was feeling from seeing him with Taemin wasn't helping. He wanted an explanation, one that would soothe his fears and make him feel all better again.

He watched as Jinki absently ran his fingers across a pile of papers laying on his table, obviously trying by that to elude his presence. And that really hurt too. All the resolve he had mustered earlier was withering more and more as his insecurities resurfaced. But fortunately, his mind brought back to him that the other had called him while he was away. He had to believe he wasn't the only one battling with his feelings.

'Why?' he finally uttered. This was all he could say. It was all that was really needed.

Jinki finally looked his way, which caused the younger one's heart to skip. He'd never get used to the intensity in those eyes.

'Why?' Jinki threw back, confused. He then sighed, before letting himself drop on a chair. 'Jjong, you shouldn't be here...' he diverted. He sounded weary.

Jonghyun felt a sharp pain in his chest. This was not what he wanted to hear. 'Stop pushing me away,' he ordered sharply.

'I'm sorry.' He looked away again, out the window.

Jonghyun snorted. 'How can you still pretend?' His anger was boiling again under all that pain. 'I was trying... I was trying so hard to move on to save our couple, because you told me to. I kept telling myself that you were right, that what I was feeling was wrong,' he admitted in a breath.

'But then I saw that you had called,' he continued, 'And the illusion crumbled.'

'Why?' he then asked again.

Jinki sprung out of his chair with an energy he had long felt. He walked to him until there were only a few inches separating their faces. His whole being was yearning to close in on the distance, but he refrained from it.

'I missed you,' he confessed in a gentle voice. And then without realizing it, he was caressing the smaller one's cheek. 'I needed you,' he pursued with a sudden gravity latched onto his words.

Jonghyun's heart was thumping so loud, he felt like it could give out on him at any second. This is what he had wanted to hear, but now he wasn't sure he could handle it.

'What about Taemin?' He couldn't help but ask. His stomach churned as his haunting face reappeared in his mind.

Jinki looked down, but Jonghyun forced him to meet his eyes with a soft push under his chin.

'I needed him... to forget about you,' he completed with blatant embarrassment.

'So you're fucking him?' Jonghyun asked without reserve. He didn't want to know, but he needed to know.

'I... yes...' Jinki stepped back, but Jonghyun grabbed his arm again, keeping him close.

'Don't...' He pleaded despite himself. 'Don't see him again.'

He didn't know where all those words were coming from, but he wouldn't stop himself. There was so many things he had kept buried inside that just needed to be released.

'I can't stand the idea of you...' But this time he couldn't finish, he felt like he was overstepping his boundaries. He had never thought he could be that selfish.

'I know,' Jinki validated with another sudden caress, this time his fingers threading through his darker hair.

Jonghyun eyes' closed instantly. He could already feel himself losing it. And that feeling turned into a soft sigh as strong arms wrapped around him and full lips brushed against his neck. This was excruciatingly painful. He wanted more.

'Jinki...' he breathed. His hand settled at the back of his neck as the other starting teasing his sensitive skin. His head lolled to a side as he let him go on with his torture. His lips went all along it until he reached the crook only to allow himself to take in his scent. His hold became tighter and suddenly Jonghyun could feel his arousal as his whole body pressed harder against his.

'Jjong...,' he whispered against his ear. 'Leave before I can't control myself,' he advised, unable to hide the coarseness that had taken over his voice.

'That's what I want...' he answered unabashedly. Their eyes met as Jinki lifted his head, the intensity having grown in his irises making the younger one feel defenceless. 

The taller one lowered his head only to press his lips at the corner of the other's mouth, not allowing himself to give in fully just yet. But his control was leaving him as everything he read in the smaller one's pretty eyes hit him.

Before he could initiate another action, he was pushed down on the sofa behind them and then suddenly the weight of Jonghyun's body towered his. The latter was now digging into his lap, the friction it created glazing them both with overwhelming lust. It was now Jonghyun's turn to bury his head into his neck, not shying from his instincts as he inhaled the muskiness and subtle sweetness that surged from his body. They stayed like that for a while allowing themselves to bask in all that they were feeling. But it soon became more frustrating than soothing; there was an urgency that needed to be fulfilled.

Jonghyun's body tensed up as Jinki finally claimed his lips. It felt clumsy as they both battled to feel more of the other, but it also felt incredibly right. Their breaths synched as their tongues joined, moans rolling in their throats as they fell into it more and more. Jinki's hands squeezed his ass as he brought him even closer, drawing in his gasp as he did so. Their lips suddenly parted as Jonghyun broke the kiss, searching for air that he had momentarily forgotten he needed.

Jinki's eyes peered at him, longing and betraying impatience. As his eyes kept going over his traits, he felt even more like he was about to burst. He wanted all of him, now. Getting a good hold of his waist with an arm, he pushed them both up with the other, making the other instinctively wrap his arms around his neck and his legs around his waist.

He walked them to his bedroom, not even taking the time to push the door close. His impulse was rushing him to fulfill his desire, desire that was spiking up beyond capacity as he was faced with the enticing sight of Jonghyun's flushed face. His hands started working frantically at removing his clothes, making his plaid shirt fall first and then dragging off his pants and underwear until there was nothing left.

Jonghyun straightened, biting down on his lip. Seeing this side of Jinki was pushing him over the edge. His rawness was incredibly attractive. He sighed of pleasure as the other pressed against him again. 'Jinki...' he moaned.

The latter felt his cock twitch inside his painfully tight jeans. He already felt so close, and he hadn't even made him his yet. But as much as he wanted to be brutal, he wanted to take his time. He wanted to feel every inch of his body, every extent of his soul through this moment.

As he kissed him again, making his head fall back against his pillow, his hands started uncovering every nerve, every tense and soft spots in his body, starting with his chest and then travelling down to his sex. He caressed it slowly, dragging out a loud moan out of the other's mouth which only pushed him to go faster. He let go of his lips, letting his want get fuelled by his uncontrollable sounds. 'Jjong...' he moaned in turn before biting his ear.

A louder whine advised him of the consuming effect of his touch. He suddenly stopped. 'Not yet...' he whispered against him before pecking his lips.

He then straightened to remove his clothes, the process accelerated by Jonghyun's hands joining eagerly. Jinki could feel his eyes travelling along his uncovered body and surprisingly, he didn't feel threatened by it. Instead, he retrieved his previous position, the contact now heightened to an unbearable level as nothing came between their skins. It was now Jonghyun's turn to let his hands roam over his body, but he was stopped as they reached his lower half.

Jinki grabbed his wrists forcefully. He knew he'd falter if he let him continue.

Jonghyun groaned. 'Let me touch you...'

Jinki held in a moan. 'If you touch me, I'm pretty sure I'll cum all over the sheets,' he indicated. 'And I need to have you first, so no,' he finished categorically.

Jonghyun couldn't keep in his at that. He surrendered fully as the other rolled his hips, awakening his almost spent member. And suddenly every notion of reality left him as Jinki's fingers broke into him. A sharp cry tore through his throat as the burn settling inside him took him off guard. He had never been in that position before, but being at the other's mercy felt exhilarating. He could feel the impatience in his lazy thrusts, and it didn't take long before they stopped. His chest was now heaving, his body submerged in sensations that menaced to destroy him.

Jinki lifted his legs again, unable to hold out anymore. He couldn't be bothered with carefulness, he was in such a state that nothing else mattered than his selfish desire. When he felt Jonghyun's legs tightly secure around his waist, he pushed in hard, feeling the taut flesh tear against his movement. He didn't mind the cry that left the other's lips again, as he pushed deeper, almost forcing his way in as the tight space slowly stretched out around him. His breathing was made hectic by the effort and by the pain drawn on the other's delicate features. That glimpse of demise he got made him want to ruin him completely. So he started rocking back and forth, pressing his forehead against Jonghyun's, as the latter voiced his pleasure through enticing sounds.

'Aaaah...,' he drawled under him as he gave another sharp thrust.

Jinki shut him up with a longing kiss, sighing between his lips as he felt Jonghyun's nails dig into his back. He groaned as their lips detached, letting his head fall into the crook of his neck. Jonghyun held him tight, eyes half-closed, completely abandoned to him.

Jinki slowed, trying to make the moment last a while longer. He could feel the warning heat pooling inside his stomach, but he wasn't ready for it yet. Their eyes met again as he lifted his head and was confronted with the same helplessness he was feeling. He knew in that moment that there was no way this could have been stopped.

'I love you,' he breathed as he gave a sudden deep thrust. He wasn't even sure the words had really crossed his lips; he couldn't be sure of anything right now. His mind and body felt exterior to him, but incredibly real at the same time. He was in between consciousness and collapse, and nothing had ever felt so good.

Jonghyun couldn't make sense of what he had heard. He just tightened his grip around his neck, before giving a soft kiss on his temple. His heart was beating so fast and his nerves were pulsing so vividly, that for a moment he thought he wouldn't make it. And that feeling became even stronger as the other's hand grabbed him fully once again. It worked up and down his shaft quickly, making his eyes roll to back of his head as he felt the imminence of his orgasm engulf him.

He trembled before everything turned black and ropes of cum finally squirted out him, covering the other's warm hand. But that sensation was nothing compared to the feeling he got when Jinki finally came inside him. He was shaking too as he filled him fully, the sudden warmth mustering in his ass cutting both their breaths for a split second.

Jinki let his body fall down on his. In that moment, they fully became one as their bodies stuck from sweat and their heaving chests collided. Jonghyun's hand had found the back of his neck again, which he caressed softly. Jinki felt soothed by it and his eyes closed accordingly as his face dug into his pillow. They stayed liked that for a long moment, not thinking, just feeling. And then everything fell into darkness as they both abandoned themselves to slumber.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jonghyun came back to himself slowly, his eyes suddenly opening as he came out of what felt like a dream. Although he hadn't dreamt, the fuzziness in his mind felt the same, leaving him confused on his whereabouts for a few seconds. It all came back to him as he felt an arm curled around his waist and soft breathing at the back of his neck. A smile stretched his lips as he relished his closeness. He wanted to turn around, but was afraid to break his peace doing so. Nonetheless, he still starting moving carefully, his need to watch him stronger than any precaution. He felt the other stir as he faced him, but relaxed as he kept going on with his sleep. He let his hand reach up to his face, brushing ever so lightly on his features as he observed his appeased face. He looked so beautiful that for an instant Jonghyun held his breath afraid to shatter the image if he did as little as blink.

He was suddenly interrupted in his meticulous appreciation when he heard the distant sound of his phone ringing. He wanted to ignore it but something triggered in his mind. He was now noticing that the room had become considerably darker than it had been earlier, and panic instantly seized him. He got off the bed clumsily, almost tripping as he looked around for his underwear. His hand finally took hold of it and he swiftly put on his briefs before rushing into the living room.

When he took the phone out of his coat, it had stopped ringing but one quick look at his screen made the person's identity known. Part of him was relieved it was Minho. This time he wouldn't leave him hanging. He clicked on the missed call message and redialled. The other almost immediately answered.

'Jjong,' he uttered earnestly. An angry sigh escaped his lips. 'What took you so long?'

The older one gulped down a resurging culpability. 'I was sleeping,' he admitted.

'Sleeping?!' The younger one exclaimed, certain images rising up in his mind. 'Jjong, please don't tell me-'

'Why are you calling?' Jonghyun cut off instantly.

Minho snorted. 'I can't believe you, seriously... Do you remember that you have a boyfriend?' he asked directly. 'Boyfriend that called me in panic because he couldn't reach you,' he then specified with elevating angst in his voice.

'Oh shit,' Jonghyun cursed as that reality hit him.

'What did you say?' he then asked.

'I said what I had to help you. That you were at my house, but currently occupying the bathroom so you would call him later,' he outlined, irritated. 'But I'm not going to keep saving your ass, Jjong,' he added.

Jonghyun chewed on his lip, feeling his nervousness come back. He was taking in how much of a mess this had become.

'Thank you,' he simply said, which caused the other to scoff.

'Thank you?' he echoed with indignation. 'This is not what I want to hear. Why don't you tell me where you are right now?'

Jonghyun was tempted to drop his phone, but it stayed glued to his ear as he remained silent.

'Jjong?' Minho called out.

'Don't worry, I'm fine,' Jonghyun finally replied.

'That's not what I asked. Where are you?' he pressed.

'Let's talk about this later, okay?'

He didn't wait for an answer as he hung up immediately afterwards. His shoulders dropped as he sighed, but he suddenly tensed up again as arms wrapped around his waist from behind.

'Kibum?' Jinki asked against his ear.

His warm body and breath already made him feel a little better. 'No, Minho,' he answered before turning around.

It only took one shared look to have them wanting more again, their lips instantly melding into a soft kiss. Jonghyun felt himself being pushed backwards until his back hit a wall. And suddenly, he could feel Jinki's body burning. The latter let go his lips and went at his neck, giving it a sharp bite, before sucking on the reddened area.

'Aah,' Jonghyun whined as he felt his legs weaken. His world was shifting again, reality was fading...

But he was propelled right back into it as Jinki pulled back. 'I'm sorry,' he mumbled.

'Sorry for what?' Jonghyun let out, confused.

'You should go right?' Jinki reminded as his expression turned dark.

Jonghyun felt unsettled. He didn't know how to respond to that. So he stepped closer until he could almost taste his breath. 'Should I?'

Jinki's eyes closed for a second, before he reopened them. 'Don't make me answer that.'

Jonghyun took that as perch to keep on going. 'Just say the word, and I'll stay.'

'Jjong...,' Jinki pleaded with unspoken words. But he was weak, and found himself embracing him again, holding him as tight as he could.

'I don't want to go,' Jonghyun uttered with a sudden shakiness. His head swooned and he felt his body give out on him, but a strong hold kept him from falling.

'Are you alright?' Jinki panicked as his gaze scrutinized him with worry.

And at that, he just burst. The tears came out without notice, trickling down his cheeks uncontrollably.

'Jjong,' Jinki called out softly as he wiped them off with his thumb. 'What's the matter?'

'I don't know,' he answered between sobs. But soon enough he knew.

'I can't go back to him... What am I going to say... What are we going to do?' he ranted, giving in to his distraught mind.

'Sshhh,' Jinki halted as his thumb traced circles on his cheek. 'Everything's going to be fine.'

And somehow, that only managed to calm him down. 


	16. Alone.

_He suddenly couldn't see anything. His vision had blurred, reducing his surroundings into a watery mess. He could feel his knees weaken, and a second later, his body surrendered to its sudden heaviness, bringing him down to the floor. His arms shook as the tears fell more and more. Despair claimed him and he could feel himself falling into it before a sudden excess of rage flashed behind his eyes. He abruptly threw his phone against his door, making it shatter and disperse around him, but he couldn't care less._

_He had lost them both and there was nothing worse than that. _

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

\- Three days earlier -

He felt like this was the first time he was really seeing their home. As he gathered his stuff, every room became a discovery, and every object, a memory. He wasn't part of it anymore. This wasn't his house anymore. And it became more and more real as the boxes piled up in the living room and the surroundings became more and more empty. He sadly realized he had turned his back on that life for some while now. He had tried to not really grasp that reality, but he couldn't get away from it any longer. Especially not after what had happened. The last thing he wanted was to drag the one he had loved for so long into it, but it wasn't a choice he could make. It was horrible enough that he had let himself stay in ambiguity to escape, when he had clearly known what he wanted. It was horrible enough that he had fallen out of love with Kibum, when he had thought that he would've always found happiness by his side. It was horrible enough that the only thing that could make it worse would be for him to keep lying. He had never seen himself as a liar. He had always prided himself for being authentic and transparent, but now he wasn't even sure if that person still existed. Had it only been an illusion? Was this really who he was? A liar and a cheater? That question would harass him day and night and leave him more miserable than the day before. He had to accept that this was part of him now. That he had made a fatal mistake and that he needed to face the consequences of it. Only from there, would he be able to keep going. If that was even possible.

He put another one of the boxes on top of a pile and sighed as he took in that the first step was done. Soon, he would be leaving this place forever. There was no denying that the fact only hurt him deeply, making it clear that the reality would make him feel that much worse. With his acute disposition to nostalgia, this chapter of his life would become another burden that he would now have to carry. A burden he was scared he'd never be free from.

He swallowed down another lump of dread as he looked at his watch. There wasn't much time left. He started moving around again, trying to impregnate himself one last time of the moment, of this life. The doorbell ringing had him still sharply into place as his heart rate quickened uncontrollably. He moved surprisingly fast towards the door and with an unexpected courage, he opened it.

He exhaled deeply as he looked at his best friend. 'Minho,' he breathed.

The latter cocked an eyebrow. 'Did you forget that I was coming?'

Jonghyun snorted at his stupidity. Of course it had to be him. Kibum wouldn't have rung the bell at his own house. The logic that had failed him quickly settled in as he stepped aside to let the taller one in.

'Oh god...' Minho exclaimed as he gave a quick look around. 'It's so empty...' he added as he moved forward and scrutinized the place. He then stopped in the kitchen, pouring himself some water before downing it quickly.

'This is so weird,' he commented again as his back rested against the counter.

Jonghyun could only look away. He was ashamed of having his best friend witness this situation. Knowing how harshly he was judging himself, he couldn't help but wonder how the other perceived him. Even after all those years... People changed and so did relationships, and with that lingering thought came the growing fear that Minho would end up abandoning him.

He suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder, bringing him back to the present moment. Minho was now looking into his eyes, his expression soft, but full of worry. Jonghyun could see the other's lips were burning with words that he wanted to share, but he kept them in, instead wrapping his arms around his smaller figure and squeezing him tight. Jonghyun closed his eyes to let himself bask in the comfort of his embrace, but something didn't sit right. He could still hear the voice at the back of his mind reminding him that he didn't deserve it.

He pulled back abruptly, his eyes setting far from him again. He was suddenly feeling nauseous and had to grab on to the chair besides him to keep some composure.

'Jjong...' Minho called out gently.

Jonghyun closed his eyes again, but this time, there was nothing to seek. There was only blankness.

'You know I'm here for you, always,' the younger one reminded.

He didn't answer. There was nothing he could say, because he wasn't sure there was anything he could believe.

'I wouldn't be here if it weren't true,' he pursued as if he could read his mind.

Jonghyun opened his eyes. He didn't want to let himself hope that there was any truth in that, but it didn't stop it from happening.

'I know,' he simply said.

He felt bad for having any doubts concerning their friendship, but it just felt like everything he had believed to be true these last few years had no solid ground.

'I should probably get moving, before he arrives,' Minho noted before walking out of the kitchen.

Jonghyun followed him slowly, feeling his nerves bundle more and more in his stomach. He finally picked up one of the boxes he had placed on the floor and stepped out through the front door that Minho had meanwhile reopened. They were both walking back and forth between the house and his car to get all his belongings in the back seat and the trunk. When they were all in, he rushed right back inside, the cold biting at his skin as he had not bothered covering himself up properly. Minho finally joined him, but stayed in the frame.

'I won't be far, alright?' he reassured with his never ending concern.

Jonghyun nodded. He could feel his chin tremble, sign that he was about to burst again. But a couple of deep breaths brought him back to a relative stability right before he felt a hand on his cheek.

_'I'm lucky,' _he suddenly thought.

And then his gaze was following his best friend that was moving farther and farther away from him. He shivered. He was alone again.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

He had almost abandoned himself to sleep when the door finally opened. He jumped right out of the sofa, his body and mind made alert again. He noticed that the sky was painted a shade darker. The waiting was over. He felt his body being drained of every ounce of warmth as Kibum's eyes stopped on him. And the feeling got worse as the latter gave him a wide smile. He was about to crush all that; this was the last few seconds that he'd still be unaware, unsuspecting.

Jonghyun didn't know how to approach this. He visualized himself going through the usual routine of questions he'd ask whenever he got home, but it was beyond ridiculous. He had no right to manifest any kind of interest or affection towards him anymore. He sat down again, concentrating on his breathing one last time before he dove in.

When he looked up, he could see the other was perplexed. He was already dying with guilt. He knew there were no soothing words he'd be able to offer.

'Can you...' He cleared his throat, pushing down another lump again. 'Just... sit,' he finally managed to gather into utterance.

Kibum blinked. 'Eeeh?' His eyes then moved around nervously, before doubling in size. 'Why is there stuff missing?' he asked apprehensively.

Jonghyun's mouth turned dry whilst his hands turned moist with sweat. 'Sit...' he reiterated, afraid it would be the only word he'd be able to get out.

'No, I'm not going to sit,' the younger one refused sharply. 'What is the meaning of this?' he practically yelled as his fear became blatant.

Jonghyun's own was reaching an unbearable height. He wouldn't be able to tell him. How could he?

He had a sudden thought for Jinki, which only made things worse. He wanted him to be here with him, but he knew that wouldn't have helped, on the contrary.

'Jjong?' Kibum's tone was frantic.

'If you'd just sit-',' he started, but was cut off by a resonant _'no'. _He realized that was the only way the younger one could keep some control, so he complied. He pushed himself up, but stayed in place. He wasn't sure that if he took a step, he wouldn't feel the urge to run away.

'I...' How could he say this? 'I... you know...' He rubbed the back of his neck as his eyes fell to his feet. He couldn't say it.

'You're breaking up with me, aren't you?' Kibum forwarded brusquely. 

Jonghyun looked at him, in disbelief. So he had felt it... He nodded, not brave enough to grant him a simple word.

At that, Kibum finally sat down. He suddenly looked exhausted, which broke the older one's heart even more.

Jonghyun's mouth opened, closed, and opened again. His words were hidden ghosts that were too afraid to step into the light. He wished that could've been the end of it. He wish he could've just stepped out peacefully into another beginning, as if this had all been a bad dream. But that was an unattainable wish and a cruel one too. He owed Kibum the full explanation, even though he wanted nothing more but to preserve him from the full pain.

'I never thought it would happen. I fought really hard to... I mean I denied it,' he formulated clumsily.

'Denied what?' Kibum asked instantly.

'Denied that I wasn't feeling the same way about you anymore... and that...' He was struggling to undo the knot that kept the truth inside. He didn't want to go there.

'Jjong, please...' Kibum pressed in a weak voice.

Jonghyun would've preferred anger to what he was seeing right now. A broken man that he was about to break even more.

'And that I had fallen in love...' His heart had lost all control. Its thumping was all he could hear, drowning even the words he had rehearsed in his head. If he fainted, everything would disappear. But his body maintained him, urging him to go through with it.

'I am...' His chest heaved. 'I love... I love Jinki,' he finally blurted, cutting links for a split second with his thoughts.

There was an instant shift, it was a subtle at first, but broke out dramatically as the other's shoulders suddenly shook. Jonghyun thought it was from tears at first, but soon, sounds of laughter left the younger one's bowed lips. It was almost maniacal and he didn't stop laughing for what felt like an eternity. As if it was the greatest joke he had ever heard. And it probably was, from his side of things. How could he believe in something like that?

When he finally came back to himself, the laughs turned into silence. His face was suddenly stern. 'I don't believe it,' he declared earnestly.

'It's impossible,' he then concluded categorically.

Jonghyun was tempted to agree, to pretend again that this never could've happened. But that too was impossible.

'It is...' he could only say. He didn't dare look at him. He was afraid of what he'd see next.

He heard him move, and before he knew it, he was standing right in front of him. 'You don't even know him,' Kibum noted sharply. 

Jonghyun swallowed back the bitterness that had reached his mouth. Maybe that was true, but it didn't change anything. 'Yeah... but I know how I feel...'

And then, there was a first blow. He held the side of his face, before another, and another and another strike made the pain rise through his features. He made no effort to block any of them. Being hit was nothing compared to what the other was probably feeling right now. The latter gripped his collar, bringing them only a few inches apart from each other. And then came the second blow. Kibum claimed his lips forcefully, taking the breath out of him as he did so. Jonghyun let him too. This was also a punishment. A reminder that he had screwed up everything, which was confirmed as the other pulled back first, pushing him away brusquely.

It had suddenly become clear to him too. 'How could you...' His voice cracked. He could barely keep himself up as his eyes filled with tears.

Jonghyun felt his chest squeeze. 'I'm sorry,' he let out through a breath. He wasn't far from falling down himself.

'I don't understand...' Kibum uttered through a voice shaken by uncontrollable sobs. He closed his eyes as it all hit him, the pain, the despair, the anger, the confusion, the resentment... The image of his brother popped up in his head, making them open right away. 'What about him?' he asked shakily.

Jonghyun shook his head. He couldn't tell him. 'I... I don't know,' he lied. Yes, he was liar, he realized.

Kibum snorted. 'You know it very well, don't you?' he accused with a tone that had reacquired sharpness.

Jonghyun kept looking down. He couldn't tell him.

'Yes, of course...' Kibum continued. 'I just couldn't believe it... gosh, I was so stupid.' His anger was fuelled now. He knew.

'My brother would never do that to me,' he scoffed.

The room then filled with a heavy silence. A silence too heavy for both of them to carry.

'Jinki would never...' His voice had turned soft again, almost down to a whisper.

Jonghyun could feel that there was still a part of him trying to convince himself of that. And it was an incredibly sad sight to witness. That was the sort of thing one should always be certain of. The kind of betrayal that should never occur.

Kibum turned away from him. 'You've taken all your stuff, right?'

'Yes.'

'Then, get out,' Kibum ordered with a tone that made the older one feel cold all over.

Jonghyun quickly grabbed the remainder of his belongings, which resumed to his coat and boots, and stepped out.

Breathing in the fresh air, he shivered. He was alone, again.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jinki stared at his screen. And then looked down to the bottom of it. 5:45. Another sleepless night, but not a wasted one this time. His eyes were going down the words he had almost unconsciously jotted down by means of his keyboard, his fingers coordinating to the ideas rising in his head. He was surprised, utterly surprised that it had come out so easily, when he had felt like everything in his mind was an intricately knotted mess. Part of him felt relieved, like a weight had been lifted off his chest, his heart, his conscience, but the other part knew it didn't really solve anything. Words didn't make satisfying company, although they did ease one's burden. He rose from his chair before rubbing his eyes. For some reason, he didn't feel like moving just yet. He looked around. Everything was so different, so impersonal. His gaze went down to the unopened boxes that piled up at a corner. It had been a few days now, but he still couldn't bring himself to go through them. It would make it all real, when it was the last thing he wanted. Better to pretend. Better to be a coward.

He suddenly felt somewhat sympathetic to his past lovers. He had been betrayed so many times before, and now he was the one who had betrayed one of the most important people in his life. His own family. He wasn't even sure what that really meant anymore. As if he had forgotten what it implied to be a good brother. And sometimes, like now, it all came back too vividly to him. He didn't deserve to hold that title. Just seeing Kibum's face stricken with tears, how broken he had looked... He didn't regret his choice. This was the only logical thing to do.

He finally got into motion, walking straight to the kitchen as always. He knew bed should be his destination at this point, but he'd be kidding himself if he thought he'd get any sleep. But when he started pouring water into the coffee machine, he realized this wasn't going to cut it either. He needed to get out of here, he needed some change. So without thinking more about it, he threw on his coat and scarf and put on his boots. Keys in one hand and a packet of cigarettes in the other, he stepped out and turned his back on his hiding place. It was nice out. The sky oscillated between shades of blue and orange, the sun slowly starting to lift the veil the night had dropped on it. He decided to walk, realizing his body was in dire need of action. He drew in a first puff whilst his legs moved to a destination he didn't care to figure out. Wherever he'd end up would be better than the neat place he was struggling to call home.

Half an hour later, he was still keeping on, moving forward, never looking back. He was down to his fourth cigarette when his fingers started to feel numb. The streets which had been empty not so long ago were filling more and more with people hurrying to work or wherever they were needed. He felt like a stranger to this fast-paced world, he who now felt like everything had no meaning, no space in time. His stomach grumbling finally brought him some purpose. He didn't wait much longer before walking into a café, his body relaxing as he took in the calming scent of coffee. There were few people there, which pleased him. He sat down and glanced at the menu. He looked at the beverages first, settling for plain black coffee in the end. Choosing what he'd eat was much more complicated. His brows furrowed as the words started to merge together. He could feel a headache coming.

'What will you take sir?' a soft voice inquired.

He looked up, startled. The waiter looked very young and his eyes sparkled with life, unlike him, who felt like every ounce of his vitality had been drained into the gutter. He felt uneasy as the other's lips stretched into a sympathetic smile. There was something really familiar about that smile.

'I... well... I'm going to take the coffee, I mean black coffee and...' He stopped, feeling completely embarrassed. Social interactions were hard when you hadn't had any in a few days.

'Okay, good,' the young man noted as his pen moved across his paper. 'What else?' He smiled again.

Jinki couldn't help but stare. He knew what it was. He knew who he was seeing through him. The urge to get up and just run out the door felt incredibly tempting, but something else kept him seated. 'Um...' he laughed nervously. 'To be honest, I haven't decided yet...' he admitted with another laugh.

'It's your first time here, right?' the other asked with his same liveliness.

'Yes,' Jinki confirmed, a little perplexed.

'Maybe I can bring you what I think is best on the menu,' he offered coyly.

'Is it rum, by any chance?' he joked. He didn't even know where that came from, but it was like he was playing his part in a ludicrous scene.

'No...' the other revoked through a chuckle.

Jinki realized how ridiculous that must've sounded to the other. 'Sorry, I just... you just remind me of someone...' he admitted unexpectedly. _'This is what happens when you don't sleep,'_ he scolded himself through thought.

The other didn't seem to be fazed by his demeanour. 'Aaah, he liked rum I presume?'

Jinki nodded. 'We both did.'

'Well I hope me reminding you of him is a good thing,' he bantered.

_'It's not...' _He smiled anyways. 'I'll take whatever you have to offer,' he instead answered.

The waiter walked away, leaving him to his memories and a poignant urge to fulfill his heart's content.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

He was staring at the ceiling again. No matter how long or how hard he'd stare at it, it didn't move, it didn't change, and he felt envious. To just be should've been that simple. Unchanging, unmoveable, unbreakable. But that logic didn't even follow suit. Anything could be altered and falter. There just had to be something or someone to initiate.

He was the one who had initiated that break into the wall. He had caused damage to his other best friend, to the one he couldn't call his lover any longer, without being able to repair. That feeling of self-hatred that had never quite left him beamed stronger through his system, pounding its message relentlessly, never letting him forget that he was a cheater. He had thought of finding his own repair in the arms of his brother, but he hadn't been able to just yet. He was punishing himself for the life he'd ruined, for the memories that would forever be tainted with bitterness, and for the love he had lost. This was the worst part. Realizing that a feeling so strong could vanish so quickly. It scared him deeply. He had no way of knowing this wouldn't happen again. Although he had his doubts. What he was feeling... he couldn't say he had felt it before. It wasn't just strong, it was paralyzing. And it probably was what had really kept him from seeing him. He was afraid to lose himself to madness.

The door suddenly cracked open, revealing a tall young man through its frame. 'Dinner's ready,' Minho announced with a warm smile.

Jonghyun forced himself to smile back, knowing he wasn't fooling anyone. But he still felt like he had to play a masquerade, until he could actually believe it. He got off the bed and groggily made his way through the hallway. A few more excruciating steps brought him to the dinner table. He sat down and looked at the filled up plate Minho had displayed for him. The odour of seafood mixed in with vegetables and rice reached his nose. He turned his head. Nausea was hitting him again. He took a couple deep breaths, before giving it another look. He wasn't hungry.

'Just take a few bites,' Minho pleaded.

Jonghyun wasn't even sure he could do that, but he knew how worried he was making the other one. He hadn't eaten much in days. All he'd been able to do was stare at the ceiling as sorrow submerged him. He nodded before piquing a shrimp with his fork. He was thinking too much again, making something as simple as eating an unnecessarily painful experience. He finally put the food into his mouth and chewed on it mechanically. He could feel all the muscles working hard to turn it into mush, and that only was draining.

He slouched back on his chair after having gulped down two more bites. As Minho looked at him again, he hoped the other could see how sorry he was. 

'I'll finish it later,' he lied. Pretending to make an effort was starting to become his forte.

Minho put his utensils down. 'I know you won't,' he retorted.

Jonghyun could see he had hurt him. And he understood. He didn't know why he still felt like he had to guard himself around him. There was no use playing a role. No one knew him better than he did.

'I'm really sorry, Minho.' Finally, sincere words.

The latter sighed. 'I know you are, Jjong. But I don't need your apologies,' he dismissed sharply.

Jonghyun's face twitched at the sound of those words. This was the moment he had dreadfully expected, the moment he'd be rejected.

'What I need is for you to get out of here and go see him,' Minho finished as he took in the surprise that suddenly plastered the other's face.

Jonghyun's mouth had dropped but no words came out. None were needed. He knew in that moment, he no longer had a choice. He had to regain some control on his life again, no matter how scared he was to.

He moved his chair back and got up. In the matter of seconds, his whole outdoor attire was covering him and he was out. He fell swiftly into his car seat and started the engine with an exhilarating hurry. He didn't have to think much for this; every turn was instinctive. He finally reached his destination and mind not thinking, feet just moving, he climbed the stairs two by two until he was at the right floor. There was only a few steps separating him from that door, from that crucial moment. His heart was beating frantically and thrumming through every nerve, but it just fuelled him to keep walking. When there was only one more door left, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

And then he was in front of it. And his heart dropped. He didn't have to knock to know that there was no one in there. The envelope with his name on it made it clear. He pulled it forcefully with one hand, before taking out the paper inside. The blue ink covered almost all of its whiteness making him dizzy. He let his back fall against the opposite wall until he was on the ground. His fist was holding onto it so tight as if he was afraid it would disappear if he let go. He knew he had to look at it, but he couldn't help but ponder. If he didn't look at it, there was still some hope. But maybe if he did, there would be too...

His gaze stopped on the first words. _'I hope you'll see this. You probably will.' _

And then he just kept going, drawn in.

_'I don't even know where to start, what to say really... Maybe... Maybe I should say sorry first. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for getting into your life and turning it into a mess. I wish I could take it all back, so that you and Kibum could still be together. I just feel like this is all my fault. I knew what was happening, and I didn't do much to stop it, on the contrary. I think I wanted you too much. I think I needed you too much. But I just can't accept it. I can't accept to be a person who could've caused so much pain, so I have to get away from it all. From my brother and... from you. Not because I don't want to be with you, but because I do. Maybe it doesn't really make sense now, but I hope it does someday. Again, I know my words won't make up for any pain, for any anger you're feeling, but I hope you can forgive me. Or don't, that'll probably make things easier. And now I... I don't know...how should I end this? There's so much more I wish I could've told you, face to face, but you probably know it all already. My feelings were always sincere, please don't forget that. I want to say one last thing, but I don't think it would be fair or appropriate at this point. _

_Goodbye, Jonghyun.'_

Jonghyun just stared into space for what felt like forever. He didn't allow his mind to let it sink in just yet. He couldn't. Instead, he got up. And then walked until his fist was on his door and he was knocking. He knocked and knocked over and over again, ignoring what he knew. His fist pounded harder and louder until he couldn't even feel it hurt. He then brought the other in on his desperate attempt to get an answer.

'Jinki,' he yelled. His voice cracked as he said his name a second time. And then the strength left his voice and he could only whisper his name. He suddenly couldn't see anything. His vision had blurred, reducing his surroundings into a watery mess. He could feel his knees weaken, and a second later, his body surrendered to its sudden heaviness, bringing him down to the floor. His arms shook as the tears fell more and more. Despair claimed him and he could feel himself falling into it before a sudden excess of rage flashed behind his eyes. He abruptly threw his phone against his door, making it shatter and disperse around him, but he couldn't care less.

He had lost them both and there was nothing worse than that. 


	17. Replay.

The smell of coffee filled his nose for the millionth time since he had come earlier that day. He took a sip before watching the other get the different machines rolling. He couldn't help but steal glances at the one he now knew as Gi. His dark wavy hair tied into a bun made him look even younger in his eyes. He had no idea of his age, but he figured he must've been 20. He had this carelessness at least of the young that were discovering everything about life. He never failed to remind himself that he was young too, but inside he didn't feel like it. He realized he probably never had. And that was always something he had been envious of. He wished he had had that spark, that vitality that seemed to come so naturally to so many. But at the same time, he knew he probably wouldn't have dived into writing, which was something he couldn't imagine possible. His eyes went back to his screen, looking at a sentence that needed to be finished. The thoughts of just deleting the whole document came back again. Through the four weeks he had been here, he hadn't gotten more than five pages done. He knew something was wrong, very wrong. The usual scenario had always been for him to leave, write his heart out while he wallowed in his pain, and get on with his life the best he could. Obviously, this time was something different and he couldn't help the great sense of panic that it created inside him. If writing didn't cut it, what would?

His frown disappeared as he was startled by the other's sudden presence. The younger one had just sat before him, his fists nestled under his chin. 'Writing again, huh?' he forwardly engaged.

Jinki blinked, unsettled. 'Yeah, I guess...' he replied, uneasy.

'You guess?' Gi echoed through a chuckle. 'At first, I thought you were just writing for school or something,' he started,' but then I realized you never had books with you when you came here so I figured you must be writing something else,' he laid out before flashing a cute smile.

'Well it could be that I find all of my documentation online,' Jinki proposed plainly.

'But that's not the case, right?' Gi instantly countered.

Jinki rubbed the back of his neck as a sheepish smile formed on his lips.

'It's fine, I get it. I wasn't going to ask you what you were writing about, but I was curious to know if you were a writer,' Gi explained as he got up again. He looked back to the client that had just walked in. 'Hi,' he greeted with a bright smile.

Jinki froze; that smile again. It never ceased to have that effect on him. He swallowed consciously, trying to get rid of the sour taste in his mouth.

'Do you want another coffee?' Gi asked him as he started walking towards the counter.

Jinki nodded. 'Yes, please.'

His eyes lingered on him again, his guilt rising up as, like always, he went over the previous encounter. He still didn't know why he couldn't shake off that defensive reaction he had whenever someone brought up his writing. Yes, it was personal but... It was probably was too personal; at least, that's how it felt. He was letting his weaknesses and inner turmoil out and that wasn't something he wanted people to discover. Although, that secrecy had been breached. And surprisingly enough, he had come to terms with it. It was probably what had brought them even closer; probably what had made him so comfortable around him, amongst the many other things... He ran a hand over his face to bring himself out of the lane he so adamantly tried not to engage on.

He pushed his chair back, bringing his arms up for a good stretch. His body needed to move, but he didn't want to leave the comfort of the place. Plus, he had another coffee coming soon. So instead, he walked himself to the bathroom, members slow to waken. The late afternoon slump was catching up with him, and hitting in sync with his lack of sleep. He knew drinking coffee constantly probably wasn't helping the issue, but its warmth along with the one of his cigarettes were the two things giving him some comfort. And to some extent, talking with Gi probably helped too.

A quick stop to the urinal preceded his utter shock when he looked at himself in the mirror. He just now realized how dead he looked. He was disgustingly pale and his face, gaunt. If it weren't for the glasses he was wearing, he was pretty sure dark circles would make the whole picture far worse. He sighed. Frankly, he was a mess. Not admitting it hadn't done much for him, on the contrary. That was probably the problem. Not having a real line drawn to make him feel like it was over. Writing a letter and going away should've worked. It should've marked the end of it. He sighed again. _'You just need more time...' _

He walked out and regained his previous spot, the corner of his lips rising slightly as he saw a new cup on his table. He lost no time to bring some comfort into his mouth, relishing the slight burn that glided down his throat. Knowing very well that getting his laptop out of its dormant state wouldn't do any good now, he looked out the window, failing to find a better distraction. The intensely cold weather that had graced them for the past weeks had finally given way to beautiful snow that was massing over the sidewalks and the streets. It was nothing compared to the impressive white sceneries he had seen abroad, but it made the surroundings look a little lively and not so drab. An image of him racing down a slope with Kibum suddenly came to him. They had had so many skiing dates, as they liked to call them, even though the younger one had always failed to make any progress, leading him to always lose. Nonetheless, it hadn't stopped the tradition. They'd end up in their family chalet, sipping hot chocolate and warming their hands close to the foyer.

His gaze fell down into his drink as he pictured Kibum's smile. It was that time of day. That time when he'd remember he was the cause of all his pain; that he had ruined his brother's life. That probably hurt the most; at least that's what he had persuaded himself of. He knew all his grief and sadness should've been for his brother, but it didn't stop the fact that many times, he'd have these feelings for himself and for another he had so quickly tossed aside. Either way, he had to deal with it on his own. For the best, of course. That was probably the most repeated words that pierced through the bundle of thoughts that clouded his mind. _'It's all for the best,' _he'd think over and over again, as he was thinking right now.

Before he realized, he was staring into an empty cup. The thought of ordering another one went through his mind, but also made him feel sick. He had clearly reached his quota. Drinking anything out of boredom inevitably lost its charm. He'd have to turn to his other vice now. He turned his laptop off, giving up hope of getting any part of him out through his keyboard, and put on his coat, scarf, and beanie. He then reached for his bag, but a hand on his arm made him turn.

'You're leaving?' Gi expressed with what the other could feel was concern.

Jinki nodded. 'My blood must've turned black from all the coffee I've had today,' he joked.

The brunette laughed. 'That's probably, right.' He rocked his body back and forth, suddenly looking away. 'It's just that I was thinking that I could show you around, I mean, you spend a lot of time here and that made me think that you haven't visited much, not that there is much to visit, but I thought I could show you around, if that's okay with you of course,' he let out in a breath.

His clumsy little rant made the other one smile. He didn't let himself make too much out of the request. 'Yeah, why not? It's true that I haven't seen much,' he replied warmly.

'Okay, good,' the other said in relief. 'I'm off in 10 minutes. Do you mind waiting a little?'

'No problem. I'll wait out. I need to move and... I need a smoke,' he admitted with a laugh, into which the other joined.

Fresh air greeted him a moment later, his lungs taking it gratefully. He started pacing back and forth on the sidewalk to loosen up. His hands worked simultaneously until he was drawing in a first puff, succeeded by many others. The cold bit at them, but he didn't care. And as fast as it took him to get through three cigs, the younger one stepped out and walked towards him. His hair was down now, his face looking much stronger.

'Where should we go first?' the latter asked as he reached him.

'Wherever you want to take me,' Jinki answered readily.

Gi opened the walk with him following closely. There were a lot of people in the streets at that hour, making it almost impossible for the older one to stay at his side on the sidewalks. But the more they walked, the more the mass broke down into fewer and fewer people as Gi took on his guide role all the while. It wasn't a spectacular-looking town, but something about it felt familiar. Maybe it had to do with its configuration or the way some houses looked, but it reminded him of where they had lived in his childhood. It was like a world of its own, all the streets connecting into a central place where the life was most vibrant. They had left that spot when they had walked away from the café and Jinki was glad he was peeking into the quieter parts of it. 

'Oh! That is a used bookstore,' Gi pointed out as he gestured towards it. 'I'm guessing you like to read, right?'

Jinki smiled. 'I do.'

'It's really nice, because you can buy a lot for really cheap, but I guess you already know all that,' he realized as his cheeks reddened. Either it was from embarrassment or simply because of the cold, the other couldn't be sure.

'I have stepped in a few before, but it's nice to know there's one here too,' he reassured as he fought to not take note of his cuteness.

'Hmmm, is there anything else?' the younger one thought out loud.

'Well, you've shown me every important spot I think. I mean, all I really needed to know was where the nice bars were and now that you've shown me this library, I'm pretty satisfied,' Jinki rendered with a bright smile.

Gi smiled back. 'Well in that case... do you want to eat something? Walking that much has really opened up my appetite,' he exposed as his hand settled on his stomach.

Jinki couldn't say he was hungry, but he couldn't find it in him to cut their time short. 'Yeah, sure. Where do you want to go?'

The rocking back and forth returned. 'Actually... we're not far from where I live so...' his voice trailed off, as he didn't shy away from his gaze.

Jinki couldn't ignore the alarm sign that flashed in his mind at that. Nonetheless, he was tempted. 'Alright, let's go.'

Gi's surprise shined bright, but it was only brief, his legs getting into motion a few seconds later. Indeed, they had been incredibly close, because in the matter of minutes, they were climbing up stairs and stopping in front of a plain wooden door. The younger one took out his keys and they both stepped in, Jinki turning the lock as he closed the door behind them. At first glance, it looked like a regular apartment, but as he walked in, his eyes fell upon stacks of painting on the ground and bundled wires laying around in a corner. He searched for an instrument but found none from what he could see.

'I'm sorry for the mess, we just don't know where else to put that stuff,' Gi explained, tone hurried by embarrassment.

Jinki didn't even have time to give out that he didn't mind, that the other rushed into the kitchen. He kept in a laugh, instead turning his attention to the paintings he had just seen. He fell into a squat to better see the one on top. It didn't represent anything in particular, there were just swirls of color, popping out and merging together. He lost himself in it for a few seconds, before pushing it forward to take a look at the other. The same style, but this time the colors were warmer, and the overall effect more aggressive. He liked that one too.

'Hum, I've got some shrimps left... do you mind eating pasta?' the other shout out from his distance.

'Not at all,' he shout back as he continued his exploring.

Soon, footsteps stopped next to him, bringing him to look up.

'What do you think?' Gi squarely asked.

'I think they're great,' he answered honestly.

The younger one sighed of relief before laughing. 'It's nice to know someone appreciates them.'

Jinki's face opened up from surprise. 'You painted those?'

'Why so surprised?' He retorted playfully. 'I don't have the profile of an artist?'

Jinki felt stupid. 'No, I don't know... it's just... You're talented,' he finished to save face.

'Thank you.' Gi gave him a wide smile, before walking back to the kitchen.

He didn't dare look around more while the other was gone, so he let himself drop on the sofa nearby and waited. The wait wasn't long, or maybe it was but he somewhat blanked, either way he jumped as a sharp tug on his shirt brought him back to reality. 'It's ready,' Gi announced, giggling.

He followed him and sat in front of a little round table. The plates had already been placed. Jinki inhaled the food. It smelled good. Maybe he'd find it in him to eat at least half of it. He straightened up as Gi came back with utensils and back again, with two glasses of water.

'Bon appétit,' the latter hummed as he piqued into his own dish.

Jinki wasn't long to follow. He nodded in satisfaction as he took a first bite. 'It's really good,' he told the other.

Gi blushed. This time there was no cold to make the cause uncertain. 'Thank you.' This one was more timid.

Again, Jinki didn't let himself linger on it. 'So how long have you been living here?' he casually asked before eating some more.

'Hmm, almost two years.'

'Oh wow, okay.'

'Is it that surprising?' Gi inquired lightly.

'I just... you just look very young, and I was kinda surprised you had your own place,' Jinki explained.

'Yeah well, I'm better off here anyways.'

Jinki suddenly wished he could take back his words. From the sudden anger he could read on his face, he knew something painful was underlying. He looked down to his food, distractedly moving the strands of pasta around.

'It's fine,' the younger one burst out with his usual liveliness. 'I don't mind telling you,' he continued.

Jinki looked at him again. 'You don't have to...'

'It's really simple, you know? My father found out I was gay, didn't like it, kicked me out, end of story,' he resumed matter-of-factly.

If that wasn't the strangest thing ever. Like a cassette was replaying parts of a story that he needed to forget. Although, this felt like a pale imitation; nothing could ever replace the original.

'I'm really sorry that happened,' he could only say, the weird feeling that had gained him getting stronger.

'It's fine, really, it's happened to lots of gay boys, right?' Gi rationalized.

Jinki felt his heart beat faster as he saw him again. He saw the tears and the pain rooted in his face as he brought him back home that day. It had been the most painful thing to watch, but again that had only brought them closer.

'Yeah...' he finally uttered.

'If you don't mind me asking, how did your family take it?'

His mind made a complete jump to an earlier time of his life. A happier time. 'I had it easy actually. Probably because my brother came out first... He got the cold shoulder from my father for a while, but he came around, and then when our mother died, I think he didn't want to lose anyone else so when I told him, he just told me to be happy,' he laid out with a surprising ease.

'Oh,' Gi expressed faintly. 'I'm sorry about your mother, but it's nice that your family didn't abandon you.'

Jinki nodded. That was true. He had been very lucky, for the most part.

A few more words were exchanged before they finished their plates. Jinki's eyes widened as he realized he had cleared his. That was probably the biggest event in the whole month. Gi stood up and brought them back, while he gulped down the water he had neglected. As he put it down, he realized he had no more purpose here. He got up from his chair, awkwardly waiting for the other to reappear. Which he did a few seconds later.

'I should go now,' he formally announced.

The disappointment that appeared on the younger one's face couldn't have been more blatant.

'Oh, really?'

'Yeah, but thanks for everything,' he quickly added.

Gi's pout almost made him hesitate, but he still started walking towards the entrance. He didn't even have time to retrieve his coat; arms had already wrapped around his waist. He tensed up around the embrace, the alarm sign flashing brighter behind his eyes. He released himself only to face him.

'What are you doing?' he sharply asked.

'I just...' Gi looked down. 'I just want you to stay.'

The alarm sign had given place to a face; a haunting face. 'That's not a good idea.'

'I'm not expecting anything... just...' He didn't know how to finish so he just expressed it into a quick peck on his lips. Peck that turned into a longer kiss as Jinki brought him closer. He had been dying for that kind of warmth, the kind that could never be replaced by any amount of cigarettes or coffee.

He pulled away as he stared into beautiful chocolate eyes. 'I should really go,' he persisted.

Gi didn't pay his words any mind, taking hold of his hand before dragging him further into the apartment. The brunette pushed open a door, which soon revealed a small bedroom.

_'Don't be like me,' _Jinki suddenly heard in his mind.

But that had the adverse effect. _'Maybe_ _for once I should be like you,' _he replied to the internal voice.

What more was there to lose at this point?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The smell of coffee filled his nose for the millionth time since he had stepped in that day. He looked away from the clients before getting the different machines rolling. He finished up a few orders before handing them out to the men and women that waited in front of the counter. Then, he looked at the clock. That gave him a little encouragement. Only 15 more minutes to go, and then... and then nothing. Probably bed. Yes, bed. Sleep. When was the last time he had gotten any? He could've answered that if he had been keeping track of the days, but he hadn't. They all seemed to merge into one long insipid frame. Days were divided for people who had plans, who had purpose. He didn't have either. All that was important right now was keeping himself up on his feet for a few hours, just to remain somewhat functional. Even though there was always that lingering fear that his legs would give out on him and he'd never be able to stand back up again.

He pulled down the handle and watched as the cream settled on top of the cup. He sprinkled some cinnamon on top and turned to give it to a young girl wearing a wide smile. It took everything inside him to give it back, poorly he was sure. His body relaxed as she stepped out. That had been his last order. He took his apron off first and walked into the employees' room. Soon enough, he looked like a regular civilian, and after sending a quick goodbye to his colleagues, he stepped out under a dark sky. His feet moved swiftly, hurried by the thought of getting under his blankets. Fortunately, he lived close and it wasn't long before he was stepping into the building that held in the place that had become his home. He sighed of relief as he let himself fall on his couch, head landing into a pillow. He took in its musty scent. In a weird way, he felt comforted. With the little energy he had left, he took out his phone from his pocket, and looked up at the corner of the screen. It was a reflex he had tried to quit, but always came back to no matter what. Just in case.

He had one voicemail. He clicked on the notice before jotting down the numbers that would give him access to it. He felt his heart rate quicken and felt stupid. He still had to listen to it. Just in case.

_'Hey it's me,' _it started. Jonghyun felt weighed down by the heaviness of his disappointment. Why had he expected anything else?

_'I know you need space, and that's why I haven't been harassing you with tons of phone calls and haven't paid you a visit yet, but I can't help but feel very worried for you. We don't need to have a big conversation, I'd just like to hear your voice. Okay... that's it. Bye.' _

Beeeeeep.

Jonghyun buried his head into the musty scent again. The last thing he needed right now was to feel guilty. As if it wasn't the case already. He felt drained and sad. He had never wanted to push the only person that had stayed by his side, but he hadn't been able to stay around him. He couldn't live any longer with being a burden his best friend had to carry. So he too had left. Not with any dramatics like writing a shitty letter; his departure had been more simple, more sensible. He had left him his new address. He hadn't cut ties, he had just put some distance between them. He had been in luck of finding an apartment so fast. It probably would've not looked great to anyone's eyes, but to him it was more than great. It was his exit. With some money he had been saving, he paid for the first two months and was now working his ass off to keep up for the months to come. There was no happiness in this new start, which in reality wasn't one. It was as if he had been transported to the moment right before he had met Kibum. He was back to working in a coffee shop and had dropped out of his studies. Certainly someone up there had wickedly pressed the rewind button to bring him back to square one. But he knew that was wishful thinking. It was just too hard admitting he had ruined himself, again. And while the first time, leading this life had been a step towards progress, this time he was stuck into regress. And sadly, this was where he felt most comfortable.

He forced himself to get up, walking around the boxes he hadn't brought himself to open yet. As he stepped into his bedroom and turned on the light, his eyes immediately fell on the piece of paper he hadn't been able to remove from his nightstand. He walked over to it and took it in his hands. He didn't how many times he had read those words... He probably could recite the whole thing without looking at it, but putting that to a test would be devastating. He still couldn't understand why he hadn't thrown it away. It was a constant reminder of why he was in so much pain. But he couldn't let that pain go. That was all he had left. He sat at the edge of his bed.

_'Maybe it doesn't really make sense now, but I hope it does someday,' _he read over and over again. He crushed the paper into a ball, knuckles turning white as he squeezed it. No that would never make sense. How could it? He had left him alone to bear with the fault they both shared. He had no doubt he was suffering too, but he couldn't understand his actions. Leave? It wasn't fair; leaving was easy, facing it was another. He had just wished he had given them a chance... a chance to talk, a chance to figure out things, a chance to... He felt his body heat up. No matter how angry he was at him, that never erased the longing that built inside him whenever he'd let himself think too long about him. Sometimes like now, he wished it hurt him as much as it did for him. That was farthest he could go, because he couldn't imagine any pain greater than his in that moment. He tossed the paper at the other end of the room, but instantly went back to retrieve it. He'd be damned if he lost it. He pulled open a drawer and hid it inside. At least, this wouldn't be the first thing he'd see when he'd step in here tomorrow.

'Jinki,' he whispered to himself before letting his body fall on the mattress. He closed his eyes, letting his mind run free. His face came back to him, his eyes that disappeared when he smiled, his full lips, his strong nose, his thick eyebrows; the portrait became fuller, adding the missing parts, his teeth biting down on his lip as he tortured himself with images of his body. His hand reached to the front of his pants, his fingers undoing them before his hand brushed against his erection. He always fought to touch himself, because he knew that wouldn't conclude into release; he'd just feel even more trapped than before. It didn't stop him from burying his hand into the warmth of his briefs, caressing himself lightly. A sigh left his lips as he kept picturing him, as he pictured them... A third figure appeared into the picture. His hand stopped moving. He should've been thankful for that twisted game his mind was playing, but he just felt worse. That fear would always come back to him, needy for an answer he couldn't get. He saw the younger one's malicious smile in his mind, making his anger tear through his barely existent defences. He was once again confronted to his worst case scenario. Knowing that Jinki was away enjoying his time with another. He shook his head. He couldn't let himself wallow in that thought; it would be the end of him.

He gathered every ounce of strength he could find to get up again. What should've taken seconds, took minutes, as his hands clumsily took off his clothes, until he had nothing left on but his underwear. And then he was back on his mattress. No more getting up.

He closed his eyes. Tomorrow would be a better day... Tomorrow... He opened his eyes again, body heavy and mind foggy; he felt like crap. The sun pierced through the curtains, shining its light all over the apartment. He cursed at himself as he realized he hadn't set his alarm. He gave a quick look towards the clock.

'Shit,' he uttered loudly.

He got off his bed with an unsuspected rapidity and grabbed the first clothes he saw, which were the ones he had worn just a few hours ago. He could make it in time if he skipped breakfast and shower, two things he was in great need of, even if lately he failed to realize it. He stepped out into the poignant daylight, wincing as the sun hit his eyes. The urge of turning the other way and climbing back up to his sanctuary was more than tempting, but the necessity of making money was more urgent. Plus, it would offer him some distraction, which was the only thing he was conscious of needing.

He rushed inside after a few minutes, already feeling sick at the smell that greeted him. Even the things he had once enjoyed had lost their charm.

'Jjong, hurry,' one of his colleagues advised. 'The manager will be here real soon.'

He took that in seriously, changing quickly as soon as he had entered their room. He was now a docile employee, a real nobody. He took his place behind the counter, just in time to greet their boss that walked in not long after. His body relaxed after he passed them. If there was one thing he wouldn't allow himself to lose was a place in the active world. Not that it made him feel better, but it definitely didn't make things as worse as they could be.

The day that was just a prolonged segment of the other came to a conclusion, marked by the end of his shift. The same mechanical sequence brought him back home. And he repeated his unshakable reflex as he looked up to the corner of the screen. His eyes widened as he saw he had a new voicemail, again. The thought of it being Minho evidently crossed his mind, but he had to make sure who it was. Just in case. He brought the phone to his ear, after entering the code.

_'Oh my god I'm so glad you haven't changed your number.' _

He cringed.

_'I know why you're not answering, but please return my call.'_

Beeeeep.

That was it. He threw his phone at the other end of the couch. How dare he call him? How did he even get his number? The dreaded scenario came back to him. That little brat probably wanted to rub in his face how much fun they were having. He knew that was far-fetched, but not impossible. He was pretty sure the younger one could be that perverse. He looked at his phone. This was the ultimate test. He could either keep the lock on that door or open it to see what was inside. He reached over to pick it up and dialled the number he quickly found in the call history. He didn't have to wait long. Fortunately.

'Jjong?' the other exclaimed loudly.

Jonghyun sighed. Unfortunately. 'Don't call me that,' he let out coldly.

'Right, sorry,' Taemin retracted.

Hearing the sound of his voice was making his blood boil. He should've kept the door closed.

'What did you want? he directly sought.

'Is Jinki with you?' the younger one asked.

'What?' Jonghyun let out from confusion. 'What do you mean?'

Taemin snorted. 'I think that's a pretty simple question,' he mocked. 'Is he with you, yes or no?' he reiterated impatiently.

Jonghyun frowned. 'No, why would he be?'

'Wait, when was the last time you saw him?' Taemin inquired with an urging tone.

'I don't know... maybe... maybe a little over a month ago,' the older one gathered. The realization weighed on his chest.

'Oh my god... I was sure he was with you, I...' He paused.

Jonghyun froze. 'Wait...' He couldn't believe his mind had taken so much time to catch up. 'So you're not with him?' he asked back, a little too eagerly.

'Bravo Sherlock, mystery solved,' Taemin scoffed.

Jonghyun felt his fist itch. 'Why are you even calling now? Didn't you try to contact him before?,' he pieced together as his mind regained its basic functions.

'Like I said, I thought he was with you and... I didn't call him because I wanted him to miss me and call back first. But then... I started to find it weird that I didn't have any news for more than a week, so I tried his phone and he's not answered any of my calls,' Taemin exposed with what felt like true disarray.

Jonghyun wasn't moved. 'Hasn't it occurred to you that maybe he just didn't want to see you again?' He knew that would hurt.

Taemin took a few seconds to reply, confirming his thought. 'Jinki doesn't just leave like that,' he simply answered. 'It's just weird...'

'You must've really broken his heart,' he concluded.

Jonghyun couldn't believe what he was hearing. 'Excuse me?' he expressed with utter indignation. 'You couldn't be farther from the truth. He left because he's a coward. It's as simple as that,' he rectified flatly.

'So he did cross that line with you...' he thought out loud. 'He probably can't face himself right now. Jinki's a good guy, and to have done that to his brother... you can imagine how that must make him feel, right?' Taemin reasoned.

Jonghyun didn't like that. He didn't want to put himself in the other's shoes. All his anger and pain had to be directed towards someone. 'No, I can't.'

The younger sighed. 'Fine. Thanks for nothing,' he added before hanging up.

Jonghyun's jaw clenched. He'd had gone back to his irritating self in no time.

He turned his phone off, before closing his eyes. A face appeared; a haunting face. The relief he got from knowing Taemin was nowhere near him briefly stayed with him before turning into worry.

_'Where are you?'_


	18. Shaky ground.

His boots crunched through the snow as he walked deeper into the night. The sky was dark as ink, making the remaining spots of clouds look almost surreal. He'd look up every few steps to take in its beauty as it was the only distraction left around. No one else was in the streets at this hour. He was all alone, and for the first time in a few weeks, he didn't mind. It was almost relieving to be in touch with himself again, without trying to forget. He had awakened just in time to realize the path he had taken wasn't one he could go on any further. He couldn't keep avoiding his thoughts nor his feelings in the hopes that they would eventually go away. Nonetheless, accepting them was terrifying. It didn't help him figure out what to do. He searched through his pocket and found the packet of cigarettes he had surprisingly left alone for the while he had been walking. He took one out, but something made him stop from bringing it to his lips. He wasn't just aware of having been a coward, he was now also aware of how much damage he had caused himself. He was mentally and physically drained despite having made no real effort these past few weeks. Just existing had been exhausting. He threw the cigarette he was holding in the snow, turning it into mush with his heel. This wouldn't fix anything. What he was craving right now was something he hadn't had for a long time; some sleep. He finally felt like it would be possible, like he had finally reached the point to where his mind and body had won against him and wouldn't let him resist anymore. Or maybe he was the one who had surrendered. In any case, he felt relieved just by the thought of waking up the next day feeling just a little better.

He instinctively turned at the next corner, recognizing some of the bars Gi had shown him earlier. His joyful face came back to him. He couldn't help but smile at the image and feel extremely sad too. He had turned his back on yet another person. Although, this time he had no doubt it was for the best. He hadn't been able to fool himself that much. Chocolate eyes had turned hazel and soon he hadn't been looking at the same face anymore. His lips had met much plumper lips and the chest he had just began touching became much more defined than the soft one he had just seen. He hadn't needed more to know that it was over. The exhilarating feeling of trespassing his own boundaries had evaporated and given place to sheer disgust. Not for the other one, but for himself. He had moved too fast. He had made a mistake. He knew it now. The letter, the abrupt departure; adding craven to his traits was never something he thought would've happened, but it was inevitably true now. It didn't matter that he tried to remind himself that at the time it had felt like the best thing to do; his mind kept counterattacking, disqualifying his excuses. He felt his chest squeeze as his lips were met with the taste of salt. He closed his eyes, feeling more of his tears roll down his cheeks. He suddenly felt so awful, so sorry... He saw Jonghyun's desperate face, an image he had been blessed to glance upon a few times, but which made the hurt that much worse as he thought he was probably the cause of it now. And then the pain became anger and suddenly his legs were moving faster as his body rose from its apathy. Without realizing it, his steps picked up speed until he was running as fast as he could, not minding his surroundings. He kept at it for what felt like the longest time, until his body couldn't keep up anymore. His knees dug holes into the snow adorning the sidewalk as his head almost reached the ground. His chest heaved, loud pants leaving his lips. His heart was beating like crazy as the blood flowed through his nerves, heightening his every sensation. He could suddenly feel the cold bite at his skin whilst a painful warmth burned his lungs. It felt like forever before his whole system evened out, but when he got up, he felt lighter. He also realized there wasn't much distance left before he'd reach his place. He worked against his tiredness, almost dragging his feet up the stairs as he passed the front door a few minutes later.

He sighed as he let himself drop on the couch nearby. He instantly regretted it; he wasn't sure he'd be able to move again. His head rolled to a side and his eyes caught a box he still hadn't touched. His eyes stayed on it for a while. He wasn't sure why, but he felt like it needed to be opened. With the outmost effort, he pushed himself to the other end of the couch and bent to pick it up. He didn't let himself get discouraged by the duct tape he had used to seal it. He started scratching at it with his nails and realizing how ineffective that was he glanced around to see if anything sharp was laying around. When he saw that there wasn't, he pushed himself up not missing the opportunity to let out a groan, and walked up to his desk. There he found scissors and then it was a matter of seconds before he was peering into the box. His heart skipped as the first thing it contained came into his sight. His hand reached into it and he took out his phone. He had at least managed to forget about it. He had wanted to throw it away as soon as he had left town, but he hadn't been able to. Instead, he'd just turned it off and put it away. And now it was available for him to use again. He shivered. He was afraid to open it and fall on things he wasn't ready to deal with. The curiosity was although too overwhelming to stop him. He clicked on the button on its side and waited. The notifications flashed in the center of the screen. So many voicemails that had found no ear all that time... He found the courage to go on. What he got was not what he'd expected, even though that's exactly what he should've expected. He listened to every message his brother had left for him, leaving him in the end with unbearable sorrow. He felt relieved to hear another voice, although not the one he had hoped for. Taemin's worry soothed him just a little. He knew he had been unfair to him too. He pushed the phone back down, selecting his number. He relaxed as it rung.

'Hello?' a sleepy voice answered.

'Tae?' he verified, suddenly feeling a little nervous.

'Oh my god... Jinki? Is that you?' he expressed with disbelief.

Jinki smiled. 'Yes, Tae. It's me,' he replied warmly.

'Where are you?' he exclaimed as he regained full consciousness.

'It doesn't matter where I am,' Jinki dismissed rapidly. 'I just wanted to hear your voice.'

'Are you okay?' Taemin checked urgently.

'Yes, I'm fine,' Jinki reassured with a laugh.

'Are you sure? I mean, it's like 3 in the morning,' Taemin pointed out.

'Oh yeah...' Jinki looked down. 'I'm sorry. I didn't really think before calling you...'

Taemin sniggered. 'Are you drinking?' he teased.

'No, I'm not. I'm just... I was just thinking.'

'Can you come over?' the younger one asked.

'No, I can't... I'm not in town,' he revealed. 'And even if I was, I wouldn't... I...' He stopped. He didn't want to sound harsh.

'I wasn't asking you to come here so we could fuck, Jinki. You just sound... I don't know, I just know when something's not right with you,' Taemin explained.

Jinki pondered on his words. Indeed, nothing was right with him. 'I almost slept with someone I barely knew tonight,' he confessed as the images came back to him.

'What?' the younger one shout.

The corner of his lips rose lightly. 'But I couldn't do it...'

Taemin sighed. 'Of course you couldn't...'

'What do you mean?' Jinki inquired as his brows furrowed.

'Do I really have to answer?' Taemin scoffed. 'Jinki... we both know why you couldn't do it.'

The older one bit down on his lip. 'I'm not sure I know...' he feigned.

'So you're just going to pretend that Jonghyun isn't on your mind 24/7?' Taemin shot at him instantly.

Jinki winced. That's what he'd been looking for; a smack in the face.

'Did you really think leaving was going to solve everything?' he continued. 'I know you, Jinki. You just love so intensely. Like, you wouldn't let me go for the longest time, and I was an asshole...' he reminded earnestly.

'So why did you let him go?' he then asked.

Jinki felt a pang seize his heart. 'It's not the same thing. I could let myself hold on to you, because we were together. You were my boyfriend, not someone else's...'

'Did it matter in the end?' he observed. 'Think about it. You kept giving me chances because you had hope it would set things right. But it never did. As much as I regret saying this, we weren't meant to be. I couldn't give you the kind of love you needed from me...' He paused. 'The same happened to them. People fall out of love, Jinki. Once that process starts, there's no saving it. Don't put all the blame on yourself.'

'But it's my fault. I ruined their relationship,' he countered sharply. His chest squeezed like before, making it hard for him to breathe. 'I remember looking at them and thinking that they looked so happy together...' His vision blurred; he was silenced by his hurt.

'Jinki...' Taemin called out softly. 'They'll be happy again. Kibum will be happy again,' he emphasized.

A sudden chuckle shook his shoulders. 'It's so weird...' he breathed.

'What is?'

'You being so grounded,' he answered honestly.

Taemin snickered, but his voice came out grave. 'I know how much pain I've caused you in the past and I'm truly sorry about that. I wanted you back into my life because no one has ever treated me the way you have. You're so loving and good.... and... and I thought I could bring you the happiness you deserve, but I realize that I can't. Right now, Jonghyun's the only one that can do that for you,' he laid out.

Jinki wiped the moistness around his eyes. 'It's too late for that... He probably hates me.'

'He's bitter, but not indifferent. It would only be over if he was,' Taemin noted.

Jinki frowned. 'How can you know that?'

'I talked to him not long ago to check up on you,' the younger one admitted.

Jinki felt his heart pound. 'Oh, is he... how...' He didn't know what to ask.

'He needs you,' Taemin affirmed. 'He didn't flat out say it, but I could hear it in his voice.'

The older one closed his eyes. He needed him too.

'You need to go see him.'

Jinki knew that wasn't a suggestion.

'Goodnight, Jinki,' the younger one suddenly said.

And then he was back to himself again, unable to escape.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jonghyun's steps traced a way through the snow as the sun beamed over his head. Every breath he let out formed swirls in the air as its crispness froze them over. He dragged his feet for the last few miles, a silent sigh crossing his lips as he stepped in the warmth of the coffee shop. He had come bright and early to open, which he was always glad to do. Being alone before the exterior world invaded his surroundings made things a little more bearable. He turned every light on, before walking in to change himself. When his full attire was on, he walked back to the front and cleaned up some of the dust that had found its way on the counter. He looked up at the clock. He had a few more minutes. Awakening every machine as he moved along, he then allowed himself the luxury to look at his phone. Nothing new. He closed his eyes to soothe himself from the disappointment that never failed to engulf him at those times. After almost two months, he still couldn't let go. More so that worry was still mixed to his trail of thoughts. He just wanted to know where he was, but as much as he wanted to know, he couldn't bring himself to call him. He felt like he would lose if he took the first step. He didn't want him to know that he still hadn't moved on.

The front door opened, revealing one of his colleagues. The young boy with bleached hair walked up to him with a smile. 'Hey,' he quickly greeted before running to the back.

'Hey,' he barely had time to answer, the corner of his lips descending as soon as he disappeared. His moment of peace was now over. He forced another smile as other employees walked in one after the other. And then the clients started coming in and by lunch time, he couldn't feel his cheeks anymore.

'What will you take?' he asked for the millionth time.

'I'll take a vanilla latte with some cinnamon on top,' the young man uttered swiftly.

Jonghyun blinked as Kibum's voice echoed similar words in his mind. He who barely looked at the people that walked in, let his gaze roam over that person's face. He looked like a kid; his face was round, his expression naive and his glasses sat at the tip of his nose. He was no Kibum.

'Sugar-free?' he asked nonetheless.

The other's eyebrow cocked. 'Um... no, put two sugars in it please,' he specified as he pushed his glasses back up.

Jonghyun felt a sudden wave of sadness unravel inside him. He wished all the hurt he had caused him could be erased so that he could see him. Kibum had been more than just a lover to him, he had been a life saver, and he missed that strength the other had so easily been able to provide him. The only strength he had now was his own and that wasn't much of a reliable source. He poured the beverage into a paper cup and turned around to give it to its owner. Feeling his legs weaken, he held on to the edge of the counter just in time to not spill the drink all over the register. His eyes widened in shock at his sudden unbalance, but he lost no time to regain his composure. He took in the money the other handed him and concluded the transaction, before someone else stepped right before him. Repeating to himself the newly received order, he walked over to where the croissants were displayed and took one out. As he straightened up again, everything started moving a little too fast, making it hard for his vision to grasp them. Even so, he kept moving, making his way back to his spot. His hand shook as he handed the girl her croissant and then his whole body trembled when he went for the coffee. And then, it all turned black. He felt the impact of the floor, without really feeling it, abandoning himself to his system's lapse. Arms suddenly wrapped around his waist and he could now feel his back press against a solid surface. Voices tried to reach him, but they all got lost to his unresponsive state. But he was still there; in his mind, in his body, but simultaneously cut from the world. He felt relieved to finally get a break, thing he would've never consciously allowed himself to take, but that his body had inevitably claimed for him. Unfortunately, that break was short-lived as he opened his eyes again. He saw a few familiar faces peering at him and felt repulsed. Not at them, but at himself. He didn't feel relief anymore; he wasn't alone in a safe place anymore. He tried to get up, but his muscles wouldn't let him. Indeed, his strength was definitely not a reliable source. He cursed under his breath, wishing he could subtract himself from the stares that kept lingering.

'Jjong, don't move,' one voice filled with panic said. He couldn't even figure out who it was. All he knew was that he had to keep going. If he let himself go, it was officially over for him. He tried to move despite the other's advice. A groan of frustration left his mouth as he realized he couldn't do it. He tensed up as a hand squeezed his shoulder.

'Do you have your phone on you?' another voice asked.

He nodded, which felt surprisingly hard to do. He didn't understand. He had been holding up so well... He suddenly wanted to laugh, but didn't have the energy to. It had been nice to be able to play the game while he could, but he had obviously lost the match. He reached into his pocket and let the device slide on the ceramic floor. Ever since Taemin had called him, he didn't leave it in the back room anymore. He kept it close at all times, just in case. Just to be safe.

It disappeared into a large hand. 'I'll call someone to come pick you up,' the other informed. 'Who do you want me to call?' he then inquired.

His head lolled to the side as his eyes set on another spot on the floor. An instant answer formed in his mind, but even now that his consciousness was playing hide and seek, he knew it was out of question. His only option was to step on his pride and welcome back the only constant that had graced his life.

'Minho,' he breathed softly, before he closed his eyes again. The last thing he felt was his body being lifted before the cold slapped him in the face again. A hand took hold of his and his eyes met darker ones. It was just a fleeting moment before he couldn't bear to hold his gaze anymore. He didn't know how, but he started walking faster, his feet picking up their pace more and more until he was running, not minding his surroundings. He didn't care where he would end, he'd just keep at it until he couldn't anymore. Which didn't take time; his lungs burned as his chest heaved to let in as much air as it could receive. His pants came out loud as he felt his eyes water. He couldn't deal with it anymore. He looked back and as expected, the younger one was there. His eyes were wide with worry and confusion, but he didn't translate those with words. Instead, his arms circled his smaller frame. He welcomed the warmth of his embrace as he buried his face into his coat. He felt beyond pathetic and that feeling just made him cry harder. People moved around them, but the taller one never let go of him. They just stayed like that for what felt like the longest time, before he felt it was okay to pull back. He met his eyes again, but this time he didn't shy away. If there was one person who could see him like this, it was surely Minho.

Between the car ride and the moment he found himself looking up to his ceiling, he couldn't figure out what had happened. Probably nothing. Probably just more tears. He rolled to his side, wrapping himself even more in his covers. He felt a little better now that he had gotten some real rest. Which he was surprised he had been able to get. It had been so long since he had last shut his eyes and not been submerged with haunting thoughts and unsettling feelings. Although now that he was awake, they didn't wait to make it back to him. He closed his eyes again to clearly see his face. He wasn't going to fight it; he needed it. But what he needed more was his warmth, his love... if there had ever been any. He had held on to the fact that there had been, but as more days went by, the more the doubts became relentless. Maybe it had all been in his head. Maybe the looks he had given him, the caresses he had claimed him with, the words he had told him... Maybe that all meant nothing. Otherwise, he couldn't accept it. If he too had those feelings for him, he had to take responsibility.

_'You have to come back...' _he painfully thought. His hand instinctively reached to his right, not realizing his phone wouldn't be at its usually place. He sighed as he felt the empty spot on his nightstand. He needed to find it. He winced as he started moving, his muscles aching at the sudden effort. Nonetheless, he pushed through the stiffness until his legs were dangling over the edge. With a last impulse, he got himself up and started walking. He froze as he stepped into the living room. A pleasant but overwhelming scent filled his nostrils. He lost no time to find its source, his eyes taking in the lit candles that were set on the table at the other end of the room. Room that was unusually dark except from the light created by them. His gaze stayed fixed on them as if he had been put in a trance. It was a weird feeling he was experiencing; he felt like he had just been taken a few years back. The blinds were completely pulled down under a black drape hovering over the windows. Even though those were his, he was only remembering their purpose now. Never had he lit scented candles nor engulfed himself in such darkness in a very long time.

'Brings you back, huh?' Minho suddenly noted, making the other jump at the sound of his voice.

Jonghyun took in his warm smile as his gaze shifted to him. 'You used to hate how dark I used to keep my room,' he remembered with an unconscious smile of his own. He moved closer before sitting down as swiftly as he could, letting his back rest against the couch. He was now merely comfortably set in front of the other one. 

'I got used to it in time,' Minho laughed off. 'I just always felt like I was in a Buddhist temple whenever I stepped in there,' he kept on.

'That's probably what I was going for,' he joked in turn. 'It really did help me... I mean I could really relax and not think for a while,' he then earnestly observed.

'I know,' Minho acknowledged. 'That's why I accepted the fact that my clothes smelled like vanilla and strawberries most of the time,' he teased with yet another wide smile.

Jonghyun chuckled at that. 'I never had that luxury when I was at my parents' house. I had always kept plenty of candles in my room and lit them when I got back from school, but at some point, my father threw them away saying that it made me smell too much like a girl,' he reminisced with a trace of bitterness still latched to that memory. 'I never dared to buy more after that.'

'That's why it was so great to live together. We could do whatever we wanted,' Minho brought back. 'I really think it was the best years of my life,' he went on, tone suddenly heavy with emotion.

Jonghyun nodded. Those years had been amazing. For the first time, they had had control on their lives. It was far from being true for him now.

'Jjong...' Minho started gravely.

The older one knew what that meant. He wrapped his arms around himself.

'I'm sorry,' the other said which caused his eyes to widen.

He had expected everything but that. 'What?' he let out, confused.

'I'm sorry,' Minho repeated strongly. 'I should've listened to my instincts. I should've come see you sooner...' He stopped as he looked down.

'Minho please... Don't do this to yourself. It's not like I made it easy for you to want to stay around me,' Jonghyun pointed out.

'That wasn't the reason,' Minho objected as he gave him a sharp look. 'I would've never gotten tired of you... On the contrary, I wanted to be there for you, but I thought that you needed some space, that I should leave you alone for a while so that you could sort things out...'

'But that was so wrong of me,' he instantly pursued. 'I got the scare of my life when they called earlier, for a moment I thought, I...' He looked away.

'You thought what?' Jonghyun pressed.

A few seconds passed without a sound being made.

'Look, I just fainted... I guess I overworked myself and that was my body's way to make me realize it,' he reasoned nonchalantly.

'I've seen you work unimaginable shifts and you still managed to function,' Minho countered. 'You were always incredibly strong because you kept it together up there,' he finished as he pointed his temple.

'Well I can't anymore,' Jonghyun admitted. 'I'm just so tired...' He buried his face into his hands, the confession triggering his always lingering burst of emotion.

He heard movement and soon, he was surrounded by warmth again. He let himself be held for the second time that day.

'Jjong...' Minho uttered softly. 'You can't give up on yourself. Especially not because of another man.'

The older one stirred against him. 'I know that. Every day I just wish I could forget and move on, but I can't...' He swallowed down a lump that had formed in his throat. 'I just want him to come back...'

'And what if he doesn't?' Minho threw back. 'You can't put your life on standby in the hopes that his return will make it all better.'

'I'm not... I'm trying, I'm...' He bit at the other's shirt as his shoulders shook. He was truly pathetic.

Minho held him tighter. 'He left you, Jjong...' he reminded. 'Even if he did come back, I don't think it would be a good thing to let him in your life again.'

Jonghyun looked up at him. 'But I can't help but want that,' he shared. 'I think all along it's been that fantasy that's kept me going,' he realized. 'As much as I want to hate him, I just...'

'You love him, I know,' Minho completed. 'But nurturing that hope will drive you crazy, Jjong.'

Jonghyun wiped his face with the back of his hand. 'But that's the only way I can really get through this. I've never shied away from my emotions. If I don't go to the full extent of what I'm feeling-'

'And what if that brings you too far?' Minho cut in.

Jonghyun locked eyes with him, bringing a hand up to caress his cheek. 'You'll bring me back.'

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jinki didn't know what to do anymore. He kept going over and over the same few paragraphs he had added and the more he did, the more they didn't make sense. The worst part of not connecting with his writing was that he knew what he wanted to convey. Every part of the story had already happened but they didn't seem to want to be let out. He was trapped with unidentifiable words, overwhelmed with crippling feelings. In his desperation, he had even called Taemin a few times earlier, but the latter hadn't answered any of his calls. It probably was for the best. He couldn't guarantee he'd have remained rational in any sense. Then, of course, he had thought of calling a certain someone, but even in his messed up state of mind, he knew it was out of the question. He couldn't do it, not now at least. He sighed again as he pulled down his laptop's lid. The sudden urge to get out grasped him, but he didn't move. There was nowhere he could go. The magic of just walking around and falling on a cozy café didn't appeal to him anymore. He had done that and it had not helped him in the end. Nor would smoking in that moment. His hand had just pulled one out and he had found himself laughing at his ridiculousness. And then the laughter turned into a grave silence in which he wondered why none of his coping mechanisms worked anymore. This was the first time this was happening to him. He could've always counted on one of those, especially his words, to get him through. But that wasn't the actual core of it he instantly realized. His brother had been the shelter that had given him the space to let it all out, without completely losing himself. Now that his shelter was gone, he was left with naught. And with that fact repeating in his mind, every second passing by felt excruciatingly real as if time had slowed down to further his torture.

He sprung out of his chair before his mind could tear him down even more. If he couldn't get his mind right to write, he'd get his body right to where he should've gone a long time ago. He pushed his chair away and walked over to the sofa where he had lain most of his clothes, not having taken time to get everything in their right place. He still hadn't gotten accustomed to his new place, which fortunately, wasn't totally unfamiliar. In fact, he had been lucky to have come back to his old building and to have found another apartment there. He was sad to have lost his previous home, but at least, this place looked quite similar. Except, he hadn't made it his own yet. He still felt like he was on shaky ground and that at any time, he'd have to disappear again. He tried not to give into his fear, but the feeling was poignant and so was his apprehension as he stepped out for the first time in a few days. He knew exactly where he was going this time, but had no idea of what he'd find there. Maybe it would be a relieving experience or maybe it would be lethal. The dramatics never failed to tinge his thoughts and now was no exception. He took the wheel with trembling hands and practically forced himself to start driving. He'd be crossing off coward from his list today. Well partly. He turned on some music to calm his nerves, but that didn't do much. His heart was beating like crazy by the time he stopped in front of his house. The car he had visualized was still there. He was scarcely relieved to know that he wouldn't be facing a ghost.

Stepping out in the cold air, he shut the door close behind him before walking up to the entrance. As his feet stopped on the welcome mat, he took a deep breath. It took him a few seconds before he found it in himself to press the doorbell. He waited. The seconds turned into worrisome minutes in which he rocked his body back and forth to ease up. After another few passed, he was ready to abandon. With some reluctance, he started taking a few steps back, his eyes never leaving the door. If he was in, that meant that he had been shut off completely. He'd never find his way back in. It was too late. An overwhelming sorrow seized him as he finally looked away and went down the stairs. But the creaky sound of a door opening had him stop dead in his tracks. He was too scared to look back again, but he could see him in his mind.

'What are you doing here?' the other yelled, tone filled with scorn.

He gulped down his nervousness. His body slowly turned towards him, finally allowing himself to get him in full view. As expected, he had on yet another impeccable attire, the only signs of distraught somewhat showing on his face. Jinki could see he had lost some weight from the gauntness of his cheeks and that he had assuredly lost many nights of sleep, from the dark circles even makeup couldn't hide.

'I came to see you,' he replied frankly.

Kibum snorted. 'Okay, let me try that again. Why are you here?' he reiterated sharply.

Jinki rubbed the back of his neck. 'I thought that...' He hadn't prepared himself for any conversation, really. What could he say now that wouldn't be dismissed with total anger? '... we could talk...,' he finished with his heart in his throat.

The younger one reacted instantly with a shrill laugh, which caused the other to shiver. 'Talk?' he echoed derisively. 'I doubt there's anything we can talk about.'

His stare dug into him like a knife. There was nothing he could say.

'What made you think that you had the right to come back here?' Kibum snapped.

Jinki looked down to his feet, feeling like this would be the best time to be pulled down under ground. 'Nothing, I just... I wasn't expecting anything I guess.... It just felt like I should come see you,' he managed to utter.

'Well don't ever get that idea again,' Kibum retorted.

Jinki felt his chest squeeze, restricting his respiration in the process. The surroundings were getting blurry, but his body didn't give out. He had to keep it together. 'Kibum...,' he started softly. 'I know what I did is unforgiveable, trust me I'll never forgive myself for it, but-'

'Don't ask me to forgive you,' Kibum interjected brusquely. 'Have you even listened to my messages?' he then inquired with the same irritation in his voice.

'Yes, I have... A few days ago,' he revealed, defeated.

'Of course, I should've known. Too busy fucking my ex to listen to them before, right?' he accused, tone rising with more anger.

Jinki looked around, but no one was in the streets. 'That's not it, Kibum. I haven't seen him in two months,' he admitted defensively.

He could see that had unsettled the other. His eyes had widened and his body had stilled, but that didn't last long. 'What have you been doing then?' the younger one couldn't stop from asking.

'I was just out of town. I couldn't stay here,' he briefly explained.

'Wow, that's a first,' Kibum scoffed. 'You never gave up that easily on someone before.'

Jinki cringed. Taemin's voice came back to him with similar words. 'Well they were never with someone else... especially not with my brother,' he added with shame.

'It's so funny how life goes sometimes... Who would've thought that you'd ruin my life someday?' Kibum piqued with full sarcasm.

Jinki's fingers curled into fists as his body tensed up. He had to keep it together. 'That was never my intention, Bummie...'

'Don't call me that,' Kibum instantly turned down. 'And that really doesn't matter. In the end, you took him away from me,' he rasped.

A sigh left the older one's lips as his shoulders fell. 'You're right.'

'I know what I've done and that's why I can't see him,' he found himself saying out loud.

Kibum snorted. 'That's only for now. You'll go find him sooner or later.'

Jinki looked him straight in the eye, but remained silent.

'I'm leaving, Jinki,' the other suddenly announced. His voice had turned softer, almost sad.

Jinki frowned. 'What?'

'I'm moving to London in a few days. I got an opportunity there and since nothing's keeping me here, I accepted,' he laid out.

Jinki felt a sharp pang in his stomach. He could already feel like a part of him was missing. 'Oh...' he let out through a suddenly sore throat.

'The house's been bought not long ago... Soon, I'll be really gone,' Kibum emphasized.

'I...' He felt his eyes sting. 'Kibum, I...' The words failed him. That just made him feel more miserable. The tears rolled down his cheeks as he closed his eyes. He stayed like that for a while, too afraid to open them again. Too afraid he'd already be gone.

'Maybe when I come back... well if I do... Maybe then we can talk.'

Jinki instantly looked at him. All trace of anger had left his face. He could finally see his brother.

He knew words would just ruin it at this point, so instead, he nodded. The walk back to his car didn't feel real, neither did the drive back to his place. Nothing felt real, except for the certain calm that spread within him and followed through the next morning. He had taken a step in the right direction, now he had to take another.


	19. It's over.

Jonghyun checked himself in the mirror. It was weird to be staring at his reflection again, thing he hadn't done in the longest. In the last few weeks, he hadn't felt a tinge of care for his appearance, having grown accustomed to the luxury of having to impress no one. But this day had brought an end to that. He was now forced to scrutinize himself, realizing every flaw, every crack he hadn't repaired. He took a step back and sighed.

'I'm not going,' he declared as his stare stayed fixed on the glass structure.

'Don't,' Minho countered sharply, getting up from the couch nearby. He walked up to him, stopping right behind, before squeezing his shoulders with his hands.

'It wouldn't be polite to cancel,' he then noted.

Jonghyun scoffed. 'Is that all you have?'

He was brusquely turned around, suddenly looking into big brown eyes. 'Yes, this is all I have,' the younger one started with a pinch of irritation. 'I'm not going to go over all the reasons you should go, because you already know them,' he pursued, tightening his jaw as he finished.

Jonghyun looked down, feeling again the burden of his choice.

_'It's over,'_ he heard himself saying again. Then another sigh left his lips. He couldn't get out of it now. It was probably what he most needed, even though his mind rung with the envy to flee.

'Do I look alright?' he finally asked as he pushed himself out of a mind menacing to trap him in fear.

'You look just fine... well a little tired, but handsome as fuck,' Minho added with a playful smile. 

Jonghyun couldn't help himself from smiling back. He hoped there was truth in that; these days, he wasn't sure of anything anymore. He gave himself a last look, replacing a few locks of hair here and there before moving his gaze to his watch. He'd be here anytime now. The nervousness was starting to kick in, the signs showing through the subtle shaking of his hands and the coldness gathering in his feet. If Minho hadn't been there at that moment, he would've found himself hiding under his covers, sheltering himself from any disturbance to his dull routine.

The sound of the doorbell had him jumping slightly, his eyes closing instantly as he gave himself some encouragement. It was only a few seconds before he was facing the much taller man he had met a few days ago. He couldn't deny his first reaction; his black attire made him look that much more attractive, and so did his hair, pulled back to reveal all his features. He had a bright smile on his face, which Jonghyun tried to mimic despite knowing there was high chance of failure.

'You look amazing,' the one called Sung Chul voiced.

Jonghyun looked away, instantly making his embarrassment apparent. 'You too,' he replied after daring to meet his eyes again.

Before he knew it, they were stepping out into the freshness of the evening, forcing him to leave behind any bind that had secured him. For the first time in a long while, he was going to try to let go. And it was made easy at first as all he had to do was focus on the movie showing on the screen. He wouldn't usually have offered to go watch a movie on the first date, but he had become so rusty in the social skills department that he had had to resort to it. He could feel the other's eyes stop on him once and a while throughout, but he didn't acknowledge it. He wasn't going to give him any unnecessary signals. Then again, he found himself looking at him a few times too, having convinced himself by the fourth time that it was to make sure he was enjoying the movie. He realized that he had long lost interest by whatever was happening. He was almost tempted to speak to him, but remained silent. By the end of it, he felt regretful. He wished he had spoken up sooner about his want to leave what had turned out to be a less than entertaining feature. Whether it was because he wasn't in the right state to enjoy it to the fullest or simply because the movie was bad, he stepped out of there with an unsatisfied need of distraction.

'What did you think?' Sung Chul asked as they walked back to the entrance.

'To be honest, it sucked,' he bluntly admitted. He knew he could've put a little more thought in his words, but after not being around people for so long, his mind was just inclined to speak for itself.

The older one laughed. 'I agree.'

Jonghyun felt his body ease with relief, but it tensed back quickly with remorse. 'I'm sorry for proposing it,' he uttered sheepishly.

'Don't worry about it. Art is always a gamble, this is not the first nor the last bad movie I'll see,' he reassured as he flashed another smile.

Jonghyun nodded. 'But I still feel like I've ruined... whatever this is,' he shared as he held himself.

'This is... me trying to get to know you,' the other one completed openly. 'So as long as I'm in your presence nothing's been ruined.'

Jonghyun felt his face heat up. Unfortunately, flattery wasn't something he could just shrug off.

'Why don't we find ourselves a nice place to eat?' he then offered smoothly.

The younger one couldn't refuse that. The whole point of this night was to get himself out there; out of his mind.

'Sure,' he gave in, following the other's steps diligently.

Unlike the first car ride, this one was less nerve-wracking. He was slowly getting accustomed to the energy the other was directing towards him. He missed none of the looks he kept giving him when the car stopped or when he dared to cut contact with the road. He knew what that meant and a small part of him felt revived by it. The corner of his lips trembled as he tried to suppress a smile. Smile that finally broke his stance as he saw where the other had brought him.

'I see you've done your research,' he commented after they had both stepped out of his car.

Sung Chul shrugged. 'It's only natural,' he replied with a hearty laugh.

Jonghyun kept his smile as he lead the way. He was already grateful to the other for reminding him of this place. As he took his first look around, memories came flooding; it suddenly felt like yesterday when he and Minho would come here every week to unwind and celebrate life. It was no party area; instead, it was a low-key and cozy place to drink and listen to music. The lights were always dimmed, which probably had a big part to play in his attraction to this lounge, and the music was always good. He had had the chance to meet many great artists here and as he thought of them again, he felt like kicking himself in the butt for not putting himself in such an environment for so long.

'Happy?' the taller one asked as he watched the other fall into a trance.

'Yeah...' Jonghyun replied distractedly. 'I'll have to thank Minho for filling you in,' he then added teasingly after taking in the surroundings.

Sung Chul huffed. 'Well yeah, but don't I get some credit for making the inquiry?'

Jonghyun laughed as he saw the other's struggle to keep a straight face. He hated to admit it, but he was starting to find him cute.

'I guess I can give you some,' the younger one finally conceded.

Sung Chul's face instantly lightened again. 'Okay, I'm really getting hungry now, let's find a place to sit.'

They settled for a place in the back, where they could still hear the band that was about to play, but not so much that they couldn't carry a conversation. Jonghyun took the menu as an escape from the other's eyes. This was probably his last chance to do so. Soon, he'd be forced to talk and even worse, talk about himself.

Not really paying attention to what was displayed before him, he never really made a choice. A quick glance up made him realize that Sung Chul had closed his and was calmly waiting, his eyes turned to the scene and his fingers tapping along to the beat.

'What did you take?' Jonghyun abruptly asked.

The deep brown eyes found him again. 'Tteokbokki,' he answered. 'I've been craving it so much,' he completed keenly.

'Aaah,' Jonghyun reacted eagerly. 'To be honest, I can't remember the last time I've had that,' he admitted with disbelief.

'We'll both be satisfied then,' Sung Chul noted with yet another smile.

It was only a few seconds before the waiter stopped in front of their table and took their order. As soon as he left, Jonghyun felt his body tense up. This was it. The no hiding zone.

'So,' the older one started intently. 'When was the last time you went out with someone you barely knew?' he forwardly asked.

Jonghyun snorted. 'Does it really matter?'

'I guess not, but I'm just curious,' the other confessed. 'I just figured you must get asked out frequently.'

Normally, that type of blatant smooth talk would've turned him off immediately, but something in his voice made him sound candid.

'I don't and it's been a long time since I went on a date,' Jonghyun responded with an ease that left him surprised.

'Ah, I see,' Sung Chul acknowledged as he leaned closer over the wooden table. 'I don't mean to make you uncomfortable or anything, but I just wanted to know if you had said yes because you had enjoyed our talk or...' For the first time in the night, he looked away.

'Or because I'm a whore?' Jonghyun finished casually.

Sung Chul's eyes widened. 'No, no, I didn't mean it like that,' he retrieved quickly.

Jonghyun laughed. 'Well, I don't think I'm a whore, but you can't really know if I'm lying or telling the truth,' he then pointed out. 

'From what I'm getting from you, I don't think you're the type to get around.'

Jonghyun cocked an eyebrow. 'What are you getting from me then?'

Sung Chul crossed his arms over the steady surface. 'That you like serious relationships.'

'And what was it that tipped you off?' Jonghyun inquired.

'Hmm, I don't know... you just seem to be putting up a wall. I wasn't sure the first time we met, but I felt it again tonight,' Sung Chul laid out.

The waiter's arrival brought their conversation to a halt. He put down the plates he had been carrying. 'Do you want anything else?'

'No,' Sung Chul said.

'I'll take a glass, no...make it two glasses of rum, please,' Jonghyun signified to the man standing.

'Yes, sir,' he replied before walking away.

'Paying me a drink already?' Sung Chul bantered.

'No, that's for me,' Jonghyun bluntly indicated.

'Oh.' The older one piqued into his plate before taking a bite. 'That's just perfect,' he commented after humming his content.

Jonghyun replicated his move, feeling his body relax as the warmth of the rice cake glided down his throat. 'Yeah, it is really good.'

They munched on their food silently for the next minutes, letting their senses be simultaneously flooded by the jazz music the band was playing.

As Jonghyun had gone half way through his plate, the waiter came back with his two glasses, making his body awaken even more at their sight. He took a first sip as soon as he left them, falling back on his chair as he set it back down.

'You know, I think it'd be nice to not care and just sleep around,' Jonghyun shared suddenly. His mind had kept mulling over what had been previously said, despite his attempt to keep it blank.

Sung Chul put down his fork as he peered at him. 'Really?'

'Yeah,' Jonghyun simply uttered.

'Tell me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you were in bad relationships.'

Jonghyun picked up his first glass again. He looked at it, but didn't bring it to his lips. 'They weren't bad... not at all, it's just...'

'Complicated?' the other offered.

'Yes,' he confirmed before finally letting the rum do its job. He downed the glass and lost no time to start on the other one. The thought of a third was already rolling in his mind.

'The past relationships were complicated, or right now, it's complicated?' Sung Chul pressed.

'It was complicated I guess, but it's not anymore,' Jonghyun answered, knowing well he wouldn't satiate the other's curiosity.

'So you're not in a relationship?' the older one concluded.

'I'm not.'

'But he's still on your mind?' he then guessed.

Jonghyun sighed. 'No... is the answer I wish I could give.' He watched as the other's face grew serious.

'But I am trying to move on,' he explained earnestly.

Those words brought on the urge to finish his second glass.

He then set his gaze into the other's.

'I don't want to hold on to a mistake.'

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jinki knew waiting so long had been a mistake. As he paced back and forth in the corridor, he tortured himself with regret. He hadn't planned to retract again. He had wanted to take action as soon as possible, but every time he had reached to pick up his phone, he had frozen. The only image of an unforgiving Jonghyun was enough to make him feel like it was all over. Not being able to escape his feeling of entrapment brought on by his fear, he tried to break free through his words, but every time he attempted to further their story, he became paralyzed. Even in fiction, he couldn't build himself some courage. After a while, he realized that if he didn't take a hold of his reality, he'd forever turn in circles in scenarios incomplete. Thus why he was standing in front of his apartment, crippled by the moment he was about to face. He didn't know how much longer he'd have to wait, but he was going to wait out as long as he needed. He had no more time to lose; he had lost enough already.

As his body remained still over what felt like an eternity, he finally brought himself down to sit, taking out his phone to attempt some distraction. The distraction didn't last long. His head turned to the other end of the hallway as he heard steps coming up the stairs. He knew it could be anyone, but something told him it was him. He pushed himself up, setting his phone right back into his pocket before running a hand through his hair. His palms were already getting sweaty as his heart rate quickened, just to stop as he finally set eyes on a familiar figure. Figure that advanced calmly, unknowing, from having his head down, about what was waiting for him. Jinki kept looking at him, not quite sure yet if he was real. After not seeing him for so long, his presence was quite hard to take in. And then their eyes locked. Jinki felt like his whole system was about to burst as hazel eyes widened at the sight of him.

His mouth turned dry and his hands cold, but nonetheless he held his gaze. 'Hey,' he uttered in a gentle voice, that turned out to be louder than expected in the silent surroundings. Even that felt like too much; he wasn't sure words were appropriate at this moment.

Jonghyun walked towards him, gradually closing in on the distance separating them. His stare remained unmoved, which made the older one even more nervous. He finally looked away to take out his keys, which he then used to open the door, as if he was trying to ignore who he had just witnessed. But that wasn't the case as he held it open for him.

Jinki walked in carefully, setting eyes for the first time on his place. He only gave it a few seconds of attention, turning it back towards the one who was now walking around the kitchen. He watched him take out two cups.

'Would you like some tea?'

Jinki felt himself shiver at the sound of his voice. 'Yeah, sure,' he answered in the most casual way he could. But again, he felt like speaking was too much. Like every word that came and would come out would sound false. Maybe it was the guilt speaking, no, it was definitely the guilt speaking.

'You can sit, if you want to,' Jonghyun then offered as he took out his tea pot.

Jinki instantly moved to the sofa closest to him, hoping sitting down would make him feel more relaxed. It didn't.

Finally, Jonghyun joined him, setting the tray he had prepared on the coffee table before sitting on the sofa facing his. A heavy silence fell on them, trapping them both in their thoughts. None dared move, as if it would break the still picture they were conjointly hiding behind.

At this point, Jinki couldn't look at him anymore. But he could feel his eyes on him, searching. Once again, he felt like he was trapped. Fear and tangled feelings held him down as all he wanted was to come back to the surface.

'How did you find me?' Jonghyun asked, voice neutral.

Jinki blinked a few times, fingers fidgeting. 'I called Minho,' he admitted with a tinge of embarrassment.

Jonghyun snorted. 'Of course you would.'

Jinki then knew that apparent calm would crack soon. Jonghyun wasn't the type to keep his feelings in. 'I didn't know how you'd react if I called... I just wanted to make sure I'd get to see you,' he exposed.

The first crack showed. 'You didn't know how I'd react?' the younger one exclaimed in disbelief.

'You're unbelievable,' he added under his breath. He then picked up his cup with a trembling hand.

'Yes, okay, I knew you'd be mad at me. You have every reason to be, but I couldn't... I can't let this go any longer,' he found himself explaining wholeheartedly. He was finally grasping that this was his only chance; he couldn't waste it.

'Oh my god...' Jonghyun sneered. 'So now you can't let this go?'

'What?' Jinki let out in confusion.

'You know exactly what I mean. You can't just decide that you've had enough time to yourself and just pop back into my life,' he rebuked.

'Jjong...' His expression of guilt couldn't win against the other's expression of hurt. He realized going away had probably done more damage than good. Again, words were too much; he couldn't use them. Instead, he got off his seat and moved towards him. As he let himself tower over his body, he brought a hand to the other's cheek, knowing well what effect it would have on him. He was pleased to see it gave the same result as before, his eyes shutting as his plump lips parted slightly. He tried to keep some control, but he couldn't hold back; he reached for his lips as he pressed himself against him. He kissed him unabashedly, letting out everything he couldn't say into the warmth of his mouth. The first moan he caught struck him deeply, riling him up for more. His hands travelled down his chest, never breaking the kiss, as they finally found his pants. But he was suddenly propelled out from his fantasy unravelling by a sharp push.

Jonghyun's expression troubled him. He caught the pleasure on his features, but anger was still underneath.

The younger one moved away, only to stand up and straighten his clothes. 'Wow, seriously?' Jonghyun expressed in a spiteful voice.

'Kibum was right, I really don't know you.'

Those words accomplished just what they had intended. Jinki's jaw clenched as he tried to not let the pain show.

'Aren't you going to say anything?' Jonghyun pushed with more anger.

'I don't know what to say, Jjong,' Jinki admitted with defeat. 'I just...'

'I love you,' he uttered strongly, thinking it was the only option now.

But the simple truth didn't cut it. 'Do you?' Jonghyun questioned.

'I do,' Jinki instantly reiterated before getting up himself. He tried to approach him, but the other backed away.

'Don't you dare touch me again,' the younger one snapped. 'Do you think a kiss and saying 'I love you' is going to erase all the pain you've put me through?' he suddenly yelled, his voice breaking at the end with the start of tears overwhelming his words.

Jonghyun wiped them off furiously, but they kept coming. 'You just left...' His voice cracked again, forcing him to stop.

Jinki felt like dying. This was all his fault. And he couldn't even bring himself to comfort him. What good would it do?

'I'm so sorry, Jjong,' he barely got out before a terrible nausea rendered him silent. He wanted to take it all back. Delete it all, like he had so many times with his stories.

'If you loved me, you would've come back a lot sooner. You wouldn't have left me waiting for you for months,' he called out. 'And the worst part was that I was willing to wait for you...'

His shoulders fell. 'But I got tired...'

He looked straight at him, his face wet with the sadness he couldn't conceal. 'I'm sorry, but I can't deal with this anymore.'

Jinki felt panic spread inside him until it reached his mind, running wild with despair. 'No, no, no, Jjong please... I was stupid I know, but I never did that to hurt you, I just didn't know what to do,' he laid out quickly as if time was running out.

And he was right, it was. 'It's simple, you should've let me in. I was missing you like hell, waking up feeling miserable and going to bed feeling the same and I-'

'Do you think I didn't feel miserable too?' Jinki cut off. 'Do you really think I was having a good time while I was away? he threw back as his indignation spiked up.

'Well yeah. You probably fucked Taemin again or who knows who, while I was being pathetic,' Jonghyun fervently accused.

Jinki felt his chest squeeze. 'How can you say that?'

'It's not like you haven't done it before. You can't deny that you were fucking him while supposedly having feelings for me.'

Jonghyun crossed his arms, waiting. 'So I'm right, aren't I?' he concluded as he got no answer.

Jinki looked at him, his features plastered with hurt. 'No, you're not. I didn't fuck anyone...' He dared to get closer again and got the same response, but that didn't stop him this time. He advanced until he trapped him into his arms, holding on to him tightly.

'I don't want anyone else, Jjong,' he whispered in his ear. He inched back just a little to take in his now troubled face. He wanted to kiss him again so bad, but he refrained from it. Instead, he just kept staring, thinking how beautiful he was, how nice he felt against him...

'I love you,' he repeated.

Jonghyun relaxed against him, holding up his hands to his chest. 'I love you too...'

'But that's not enough,' he brusquely added before pushing him again. 'I don't know if I can put my trust in you. I don't know that you won't leave me again...' He stepped back from his embrace. 'I can't take that risk,' he finished categorically.

Jinki stilled from disarray. But quickly regained his senses. 'I won't, Jjong,' he promised, feeling his last bit of strength leave him.

Jonghyun's gaze shifted across the room. Jinki could feel him hesitating, taking it as a good sign.

But it wasn't. 'Jinki... I can't. It's over.' Jonghyun turned away, wrapping his arms around himself like a shield.

Jinki knew there was no more point fighting. He walked up to the door, before giving him a last look. There would finally be an end to his story.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

He had lied. He was still holding on to a mistake. He swirled the golden liquid around the glass as if it would help it go down more easily. But when he saw that it was shaking between his nervous hand, he put it down on the table. He gave a quick look to his side, taking notice of the one he had brought back with him. It had been a predictable ending; with him it was pretty much all or nothing. Which was why once he had finished those two glasses of rum, he had kept going as soon as they had reached his place. It had only been a few minutes since then, and his head was now swimming with words time hadn't been able to erase. He knew sooner or later that would've happened, but sooner had come upon much faster and he blamed the alcohol for it, despite being the culprit. This time he hadn't been selfish, offering the other to have a drink with him, which he took. As he set eyes on his glass again, he noticed it hadn't really gone down, but he didn't care. He wasn't a social drinker.

'Don't you want to go easy on that?' Sung Chul asked lightly.

'No, I don't,' Jonghyun bluntly replied, before slumping into his sofa. He had forgotten how liberating it was to drink in the presence of another person. He could let out everything he was thinking at that moment and not care about it.

'Alright, then. I just wouldn't want you to regret anything...,' Sung Chul hinted as he reached for his own glass.

'What could I possibly regret?' the older one inquired, his gaze fixed intently on the other's face.

'I don't know,' Sung Chul immediately answered. 'I asked you out, but you're the one in control,' he observed.

'So you're not going to try anything unless I give you permission?' Jonghyun outlined, still staring.

'Something like that, yeah,' Sung Chul acknowledged.

'I brought you to my apartment. I think we both know you don't need permission,' he pointed out before gulping down what was left of his drink.

He then moved swiftly on him, straddling him down into the cushions. A smile of amusement danced on his lips as he felt the tension in the other's body. 'You were right. I did put up a wall; I just wanted to keep myself from any harm...' He inched closer, making their noses touch. 'But if it's just sex, it'll be fine, right?'

Sung Chul's lips parted. 'Yeah,' he breathed against his skin. He pulled him in closer by a firm hold on his hips. 'I want you so bad,' he continued against his neck. He left a kiss in its crook before travelling up to his ear. A sharp bite on it had Jonghyun groaning, his body heating up with lust.

That feeling had been something he had fought for so long that he was surprised it was resurfacing so easily. He couldn't know in that moment if it was a result of attraction or of being intoxicated, but what he was sure of was that he was in dire need of affection. He could plain and simple get it now, without having to worry about what would become of it. This was just going to give him a push in the right direction. He finally let himself taste his lips, inhaling into the kiss as the other overpowered him. The taller one's hunger sent a shiver through him, simultaneously turning his body lax. He felt a little panic settle as he was pushed onto his back, his head hitting the armrest. It felt all too familiar; too terribly wrong. He could suddenly feel Jinki's lips on him, his hands moving down, trying to find a way to claim him again. He tightened his grip around the other's neck, rolling his tongue around his, wrapping his legs around his waist... looking for any way to stay in the moment. If he just waited... he let his hands run down his back... he'd forget everything.... they came together to the front of his pants... it wouldn't be long... he undid his belt, his hand instantly nestling in the warmth of his briefs... he was letting go...

_'I love you,'_ he suddenly heard, so loud in his mind that it sounded vividly real. Within seconds, he had thrown himself out of the other's reach, standing in the middle of his living room. He didn't dare look his way.

'What?' Sung Chul expressed in distraught.

'I don't know, I...' It wasn't that easy to let it out now.

He heard movement to which steps ensued, stopping right beside him. He tensed up as the other grabbed his shoulder.

'It's okay...' Sung Chul brought a hand up to his cheek. 'Just let me take care of you,' he continued as he traced circles against the softness of his skin. But that didn't have the same effect it usually had. The familiarity of the touch didn't equal the emotion it should've caused.

'I wish you could,' he uttered sadly. He stepped back, breaking the last shred of contact the other had tried to maintain.

'Didn't you want to move on?' the older one brought back, his tone betraying offense.

'It doesn't matter what I want,' Jonghyun realized. 'I can't fake what I don't feel...,' he signified with some guilt.

_'And I can't forget what I feel,' _he kept to himself. His arms had crossed in a protective manner, making it clear that he had said his last word.

The taller one gave him a look full of resentment before walking away. His steps were slow, giving out his reluctance to leave, but the other's stillness brought down any hope he had, resulting in him shutting the door not long after.

Jonghyun's shoulders dropped as he exhaled loudly. He felt like everything in him was about to give out. He retrieved his sofa, only to bury his head into one of the pillows at its end. He banged his head against it a few times, before he started feeling dizzy. He could see his torn expression again as he had said the words. As he had crushed their second chance. He could feel his own pain rise now, piercing through him like a blade. He couldn't let himself feel that again... he couldn't let himself become weak. He pushed himself up and went back to his cupboards. A little search was all it took for him to find another bottle of whatever it was; he didn't care. He walked back to the seats, but let himself drop to the floor, just in front of the table. He winced as the first sip danced around his mouth. It tasted like poison. But he let that poison fill him, feeling more and more comfortable as he did. This was yet another one of his drinking sprees and part of him was scared of what would come out of it. He felt terribly lost, even though his mind and body were screaming for one thing. He knew if he didn't let it out, he'd go mad.

He took out his phone from his jacket lying nearby and dialled his number. He didn't have to wait long.

'Jjong?' he heard at the other end.

'I hate you,' he flat out said. His tone wasn't as sharp as he'd wanted, but the message would suffice.

'What?' the other one exclaimed.

'Sshh, just let me speak... Just... just listen,' he gathered through his hazy mind.

The silence he received gave him the impulse he needed.

'I don't understand why I can't let you go...' he drawled. 'I don't want to think about you... I'm so fucking tired...'

He pulled some strength straight from the bottle this time. 'Why did you have to come back?' He rasped through a now sore throat. 'Why did you have to say those words to me? Why did you have to touch...' He bit down on his trembling lip.

'Me...' He breathed through a voice breaking under emotion.

His head fell to the table, his hand still holding the phone to his ear. 'It hurts, Jinki...' he let out as he started crying. 'It hurts so bad... please... please...make it stop,' he pleaded through his sobs.

'Jjong... Why did you call me?'

He tried to get a hold of himself, but the tears kept coming. He almost dropped the device as his head rolled over the edge and he let himself softly land onto his carpet. He turned onto his back, staring at his ceiling, waiting for the calm to come.

'Because I can't call him,' he finally said after a couple of deep breaths.

'But he should be hearing all of this, Jjong, not me,' Minho indicated.

'I told him it was over...' He reminded as he felt his chest tighten.

'It doesn't mean it is,' the younger one countered.

'But I took the right decision... you said... remember...' He stopped to make sense of what he was trying to say. 'That even if he came back, it wouldn't be a good idea to let him back into my life,' he managed to align in a single breath.

'And remember what you said?'

Jonghyun blinked. 'I... that's not the point... I want to move on, I just need to,' he uttered in a voice too convinced to be believable.

'That's exactly the point. You said _'But I can't help but want that'. _Jjong, he came back. Isn't that what you wanted?' Minho expressed vehemently.

'I did... but...' He sighed. He was getting frustrated.

'That's why I went beyond my judgement and give him your address. I just wanted you stop suffering,' Minho explained.

'But you encouraged me to go out tonight,' Jonghyun fought back, voice picking up again.

'I thought you had made your choice. I thought you were really ready to move on...' It was his turn to sigh. 'Jjong, you need to stop doing this to yourself. If you feel like you should be with him, just be with him,' Minho exposed flatly.

Defeat held the younger one tight. 'It's probably too late now. He's probably-'

His words were cut by the doorbell. He groaned as the image of Sung Chul standing at the other side crossed his mind.

'Wait a second,' he said, before putting the phone down.

He got up clumsily, almost tripping when he started walking, but he finally reached the door. He turned the knob with mild apprehension after unlocking it, his arm pulling until there was enough space to see. He felt his heart skip as he froze into place.

Maybe it wasn't too late. 


	20. New story.

Jonghyun gnawed on his bottom lip as he stared into comforting chocolate eyes. His hand stayed glued to the knob which he had just pulled to reveal who had been on the other side. And now there was no more separation. He was looking right at him, part of him afraid, the other part unafraid. The latter reigned as he let his arms circle his neck and his face rest in its crook. He let out a breath as he found himself immersed in his warmth and familiarity. And then his body relaxed as strong arms wrapped around his waist, holding him right back as if everything was right.

But everything wasn't and the other pulled back, his expression showing astonishment and confusion.

'Jjong, I...' Jinki paused, unsure what he even wanted to convey. Of all the scenarios he had been building in his head on his way here, that one had definitely not been on the list.

'You were smoking...' Jonghyun realized as a sudden whiff hit his sensitive nose.

'And you were drinking...' Jinki threw back accordingly.

'Yeah,' Jonghyun admitted unashamed, throwing a quick look back to the bottle he had left on the floor.

When he looked back, he noticed a shift in the other's expression. Through his still fuzzy mind, he could gather that sadness had settled on his face.

'What's going on?' He asked with rising panic. And before the other could even respond, he pulled him in further into his apartment, suddenly afraid he'd vanish into thin air. He closed the door behind him and let his back rest against it, feeling comforted as he did so.

'It's just...' Jinki let out sheepish laugh. 'I caught myself having some hope just now when I know that...' He stopped again, embarrassed by his emotions.

'Know what?' Jonghyun sought, his body tensing up with apprehension.

'When I know that this was just an impulse... I mean you're not sober right now, you probably still think it's over, right?' Jinki inquired with dread.

Jonghyun just stared at him for a moment, letting his mind go blank to let himself feel everything he had so hard tried to conceal.

And then he took slow steps towards him until their chests were practically touching. 'I can't lie nor fake when I drink, Jinki. You know that...' His eyes locked briefly with his before he looked straight at his chest. 'I thought it was over...' he then whispered before closing his eyes.

He was engulfed again by warmth as the taller one hugged him, simultaneously drawing a deep breath.

'I thought I'd never see you again,' Jonghyun said after pulling back slightly.

Jinki looked down, between them, his gaze stopping on his feet. 'I wasn't going to come here, but I thought I should...' He took another deep breath. 'I thought I should say goodbye,' he completed as he still averted the other's stare.

Jonghyun's mouth dropped lightly, parting his lips just enough to let out his shock.

'What?' he uttered loudly.

'I bought a ticket a few days ago to leave tomorrow and up until this morning, I wasn't sure what to do but then I just... I just figured it'd be best to face you one last time and...' He bent down towards a bag that was not too far from his feet, a detail the younger one hadn't taken in before.

'And give you this,' he finished as he took out a document.

Jonghyun received it in shaky hands, realizing at the same moment that his nerves were still responding.

The first thing he saw was the other's name and he instantly knew what it was.

'The Selfishness of Our Hearts,' he read out loud as his eyes moved right above. He then moved them to him, unsure what to conclude.

'I wanted you to have this... I don't expect you to read it or anything... I just can't keep it,' Jinki laid out slowly.

Jonghyun stayed silent, his mind unable to make the proper connections it would've usually made. As he still held on to the assembled stack of papers, he made his way back to his couch, choosing its coziness this time instead of the floor.

Jinki stayed in place, scared of crossing some line he shouldn't.

'What is it about?' Jonghyun finally asked as he picked up the bottle in front of him.

'It's just another story I wrote...' Jinki lied as he rocked back and forth on his heels.

Jonghyun filled up the glass he had neglected and started sipping again.

'You told me once that you didn't write for fun or recognition... you wrote to survive,' Jonghyun brought up intently.

'And you always write about your relationships...' Jonghyun added, as the plots he had absorbed came back to his mind.

'So what's this one about?' he asked again as he made the liquid swirl in his glass.

Jinki felt unwell at the thought of responding. His legs weakened under the pressure and he found himself walking to the armchair facing the couch. As he sat, he felt relieved; he had found some ground.

'It's about...' He gulped down the saliva gathering into his cheeks. 'It's about a happily married man who one day stumbles on an old friend... an ex-lover,' he rectified, 'and um... and they start hanging out again...' He looked at the younger one. 'And then he starts feeling things for him again...'

'And?' Jonghyun pressed.

'And then he tries to fight it, but...'

'He cheats,' Jonghyun guessed instantly.

Jinki nodded as he slumped back into his chair. 'Over and over again until he decides to leave,' he furthered with a poignant guilt seizing his stomach.

'Aaah,' Jonghyun acknowledged with a light bob of his head. 'That sounds familiar...' He downed his glass, but didn't fill it back up.

'How does it end?' He then softly asked.

Jinki's lips stretched into a thin smile. 'I don't know. I couldn't finish it,' he revealed.

Jonghyun cocked an eyebrow. 'Why?'

The older one fidgeted with his hands. 'It wasn't the same as writing the other stories... It's never hard to find an end, it just comes naturally because it's so close to reality,' he realized as the words came out.

'And the reality usually is that the relationship is over so it just comes full circle but with this...' His eyes shifted from side to side, his mind falling short of generating more words to utter. 

'But...' he started again after a few seconds. He had finally retrieved the obvious.

'Even though I always thought it was over before it could even begin, I guess in my heart, I didn't feel that way,' he shared with the remaining shame he still couldn't shake off.

'So even after the last time we saw each other... when I said it was over... you still didn't feel that way?' Jonghyun verified, anticipating.

'I thought I did, I thought it was really over. But when I got back to writing, I just couldn't... I couldn't. It was too hard to draw this story to an end. So I didn't,' he explained with more vehemence than he had displayed so far.

'So why did you buy a plane ticket?' Jonghyun pointed out, sorrow spreading into his vocal cords. The aftermath of his drinking was kicking in. He could vividly see himself knocking on his door a few months back, desperate to have him there when he had clearly already left.

'Because no matter how I felt, I had to accept that you wanted to move on by doing the same,' Jinki replied squarely. 

Jonghyun felt his lip tremble. 'So there's a big chance that you would've just left tonight without me knowing...' he gathered as he crossed his arms over his chest. All that hurt that he had barely been able to mask all along was menacing to seep out of fresh wounds.

Jinki had no word to offer to that, but a question surged, nagging at his mind relentlessly in the silence he had conducted. 'Did you have someone over?' he bluntly asked. There was nothing to lose at this point, only answers to gain.

Jonghyun stared blankly at him, the question momentarily pulling him out of his slump. 'How did you know?'

The older one pointed towards the other glass that had been left on the table. 'I'm pretty sure you don't drink out of two different glasses.'

The blonde felt heat spread on his face. 'I did...' he simply said.

Jinki's lips tightened as his jaw clenched. 'A guy?' he pursued despite not wanting to know.

Jonghyun nodded rapidly, before shying away from his glare. 'Nothing happened,' he added quickly.

'It was a guy you were seeing?' Jinki kept on, selfishly curious.

'I only saw him two times and tonight was the last time,' Jonghyun affirmed to reassure.

'What happened?' Jinki couldn't help himself. He needed to know what had lead to his current relapse.

Jonghyun shifted on his cushion, trying to feel comfortable again but failing.

'We started kissing... and touching...' He closed his eyes. 'But then... you came into my mind and I couldn't go through with it,' he confessed, tightening the hold his arms already had around his chest.

Jinki felt relieved, but with that came some lingering remorse for the torture he had indirectly inflicted to the other. 'And then you kept drinking,' he put together as he looked over at the almost empty bottle.

Jonghyun chuckled. 'I've still not learned how to properly deal with my problems.'

'Me neither,' Jinki reassured.

Another laugh fell out of the younger one's mouth at that, but soon the corner of his lips dropped back down as his mind went back to a previous statement.

'So what are you going to do now?' the blonde asked as dread tightened his throat.

'What do you mean?' Jinki instantly asked back.

'You're not leaving, are you?' Jonghyun specified shyly as he feared seeming pitiful.

Jinki looked at his knees as his fingers tapped against them. 'I don't know... I think I should...' He answered despite already feeling pain from the said thought.

'Why?' Jonghyun threw heatedly.

The other stayed trapped in silence, still avoiding his gaze.

'Are you running away with Taemin?' Jonghyun guessed, his voice picking up from anger.

'No,' Jinki finally said, his words coming out strong to erase any doubt.

'No' he repeated more softly as he saw the younger one relax. 'Tae and I... we've ended things on a good note. We won't see each other again,' he then reassured.

'Okay...' Jonghyun felt weary. All these emotions and the alcohol still decelerating every function of his body were suddenly taking a toll on him.

'So why should you leave then?' He inquired after letting them have some space to breathe.

Jinki fumbled again through his mind. 'Because it's probably what's best...'

Even through his fatigue, irritation never failed to hit the younger one in the core. 'For who, huh?'

He got no answer.

'Certainly not for me. I don't understand, Jinki... I just told you that...' He stopped. 'Is it that you don't believe me?

Jinki knew he had to stop dodging. 'I'm just scared that...' He retrieved the feeling of anger that had been thrown towards him the last time they had seen each other.

Jonghyun understood very well. 'Just stay the night... Stay and see that tomorrow nothing will have changed. I'll still feel the same.'

Jinki pondered on his words, before letting out a sigh. He wanted to believe him so bad, but how many times had he been made a fool of... so many times...

'This is not like your previous relationships,' Jonghyun started as if he had read his mind. 'Even though I pushed you away, which I did because I was hurt, my feelings never changed.'

The blonde got up and walked up to where he was seated. He didn't hesitate to settle into his lap, bringing both his legs to each of his sides. He felt the other stir under him. 'I still love you,' he insisted before inching closer for a kiss.

Jinki captured his plump limps eagerly as he felt some life get back inside him. His hands settled to the middle of his back, pulling him closer with a push. He sighed between his lips as their tongues met, an overwhelming warmth simultaneously taking over his body.

'Jjong...' he rasped as they parted for air. 'I...'

'Don't say that you can't,' the other cut off. 'Don't say anything. Just kiss me...' He requested before pecking his lips.

'Take me,' he then said as their eyes locked.

And that was enough for Jinki. He pulled them both up as he had the first time they had gave in into their feelings and carried the blonde clumsily to the door he had just pointed to. As the latter's back hit the mattress, he went straight to removing his clothes, which he did in no time, his mind full of a desire he had longed to fulfill. He took his time to look at the naked figure he had fantasized so much about, kissing it here and there as he savoured the shivers that ensued. He finally settled between his legs, letting his tongue run across the other's swollen shaft.

'Aaah,' Jonghyun whined as his body shook. He ran a hand through the older one's soft hair as his lips met the tip and his tongue then found the slit. 'Jinki...' he croaked as his heartbeat pulsed through his ears.

The brunette stopped and straightened, taking his shirt off right after. He then moved to the edge of the bed to take off the rest, leaving pants, briefs and socks on the floor. In seconds, he was towering over the younger one again, looking into dilated pupils which only had for effect to rile him up. He took his lips again, bruising them softly as he bit and nibbled on them before he moved down to his neck.

'Fuck, Jinki...' Jonghyun let out as his hand settled at the back of the other's neck. His lids were falling over his eyes as he fell deeper into bliss. A sharp bite had him howling, his pleasure expanding at the sudden roughness.

'Jinki, please...' The blonde whimpered. 'I need you...' He could barely formulate his thoughts, but knew he had gotten his point across.

The older one lifted his legs, making him instinctively wrap them around his waist and without any warning, he pushed two fingers in slowly.

'Nnng,' Jonghyun moaned through bitten lip.

Jinki felt his cock get even more hard as he started moving them in and out of him, stretching him out more and more as he did.

'So you really didn't sleep with anyone else, huh?' he voiced against his ear as he kept going.

Jonghyun couldn't answer, his mind throbbing with pain and pleasure intertwined.

'You're so tight...' Jinki kissed his temple and then his forehead and then his lips. 

Soon enough, he added a third finger, allowing himself to be a little more rough in his thrusts. His patience was growing thin. He finally stopped, steadying himself just right to put an end to the excruciating anticipation. The tip of his dick met the other's tight hole and he started pushing, feeling his every muscle tense up as the other cried out in pain. He kissed him again, trying to appease him as he paused.

'I'm sorry,' Jinki uttered between kisses.

'It's-it's fine... don't stop,' Jonghyun pressed as beads of sweat formed on his forehead.

Jinki wanted nothing more than to just push himself in to the hilt, but he was still careful. If anything, going more slowly just made everything more vivid. Every inch that disappeared into his ass made him tremble and he was soon forced to find some support in the pillow underneath the smaller one's head. He buried his face into it as he gave a few more pushes, before he was finally engulfed completely. He groaned as the blonde tightened around him.

The latter brought his hands to his back, letting his fingers trail along it, before he dug his nails lightly into his skin. 'Jinki... fuck me,' he pleaded.

'Goddammit, Jjong...' Jinki brought his head up to meet his eyes, before letting his forehead rest against his. He pulled back slowly only to slam back into him, keeping that rhythm vehemently as his love and want for the other menaced to make him burst.

Jonghyun moaned repeatedly against him, his nails digging deeper into his back. His whole body had reached an unbearable temperature, which came out through every pore, his skin soon covered with sweat.

Jinki's body was pulled into the same predicament and soon their skins were sticking and the warmth they both exuded drove them even more mad. He started thrusting faster rather than harder, yearning for release.

'Aaaah,' Jonghyun drawled loudly as the other hit his prostate in some way that had him black out for a split second.

Jinki relished that sound and kept thrusting to find that spot again, but he knew he wouldn't last long now. His hand went back to the other's cock, trying to match his ongoing thrusts with his strokes.

'Jinki...' Jonghyun sighed again as he wrapped his arms around his neck. He couldn't make sense of anything right now, all he could feel was the tingling sensation in his stomach. That sensation escalated as Jinki stopped inside him, moving his hand faster on his member. His mind went blank and before he knew it, he came, a louder moan crossing his lips as he felt his body go lax.

The other instantly moved again, giving a few lazy thrusts before he came to his own demise, cum spurting out of him in thick ropes. 

His body then gave out and he fell into the blonde's smaller frame, which the latter received with a comforting embrace.

Their chests heaved as soft panting sounds left their lips. They let silence envelop them as their thoughts were drowned by the still unsettling but immensely soothing warmth of their affections. Jonghyun's fingers were threading through the other's hair as his other hand caressed his back, letting the quietude he was finally feeling after so long fill him up. The action had Jinki almost let himself go to slumber into his arms, but he brought himself up just a little before it happened. He fell again into beautiful eyes which sparked a trail of goosebumps over his skin. He could see the silent request in them, erasing any need to share words in that moment. He kissed him on the forehead before giving him space to breathe as he moved to the left side of the bed.

Jonghyun immediately grabbed him to bring him closer, move to which he showed no resistance. When he was close enough, he wrapped his arms around the smaller one as the latter buried his head into his chest. Soon, their eyes shut the world off and they both fell into an unbothered sleep.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jinki was the first one to wake. His mind came back to him after a while of just staring at the ceiling as if he had been thrown down really deep into oblivion. His gaze went down to Jonghyun as he suddenly felt the weight of his body against his. He couldn't help but smile at the endearing sight that was his sleeping state. He allowed himself to watch him sleep a while longer, before he finally made a move to get off the bed. He slid slowly away from him, trying to make sure to keep the noise at a minimum until he was finally standing. He bent to pick up his briefs which he slid on quickly. And then he walked out of the room, letting out a relieved breath as he successfully closed the door behind him without causing a disturbance.

Now that he was alone and that light passed through the curtains, he could finally see the surroundings. He gave a quick look around only to realize there wasn't much to see. It was a pretty plain apartment, and a sad one too he thought as he noted the lack of personality it had. There wasn't much decoration; nothing interesting visually or even out of place to create some questioning. It was empty and void of life. Jinki knew that wasn't what it would normally look like had the usual Jonghyun settled into it, but he was once again reminded that the latter wasn't exactly in his best shape. And he had no place to judge; his own place wasn't anything to be proud of. Until the previous night, he had been living in an utter mess of half empty boxes and stuff lying all around.

He then walked over to the kitchen and after looking through a few cupboards, found himself a glass into which he poured some water. He gulped down the fresh liquid and then moved back to the living room. He grabbed his bag as he made his way to the armchair and sat in it. He took out his phone and then his ticket. He stared at it. In less than 4 hours, he would have to get ready to board a plane. The thought didn't make him feel relieved like it had the day before. On the contrary, he felt pretty much trapped. Trapped by his feelings but mostly by the blonde's display of affection towards him. He had succumbed to it so easily, letting all his needs be fulfilled in that moment, but now, he was left with so much fear dancing around in his mind. He wasn't ready to face rejection now nor was he ready to face it later on if things actually worked out between them. He carried that lingering fear of things ending badly, because none of his relationships had ended well. Maybe it was actually better to have it all end before it could even start. He put the ticket down and searched through his bag, picking out his almost empty pack of cigarettes. The lighter quickly found its way into his other hand, bringing the life into his calming device. He realized his hand was trembling as he brought the cigarette down after taking a first puff.

'_Stop being so nervous_,' he scolded himself.

'_You know what you want,_' he then caught himself saying in head.

That instantly put an end to his need to smoke. He crushed the paper covered cylinder against his exit door. Leaving wouldn't free him; leaving this story unfinished wouldn't appease him.

Cracking sounds on the wood floor had him lift his head up. Jonghyun suddenly appeared in his room's door frame, face drawn but eyes vivid with panic. 

The panic instantly turned into surprise as his gaze stayed fixed on the older one. 'You stayed...' he noted breathily.

Jinki couldn't do anything more than nod. The relief he could feel from the other permeated his skin and spread through his body.

Jonghyun finally moved, but slowed down as his head started throbbing. He put a hand on the edge of the couch as he closed his eyes.

The older one got up instantly and ran to him. With one arm around his waist, he helped him take the last few steps there needed to be taken so he could sit.

'Thank you,' the blonde said as he made himself more comfortable.

'Do you have any Tylenols or something?' Jinki quickly asked.

Jonghyun nodded through his pained expression. 'Um... in one of the cupboards...'

The other went straight to them and rummaged through the various stuff they contained. He finally found the little container to which he joined a cup of water before going back to him.

'Here,' he said as he handed them to the younger one.

Jonghyun took the pills and downed his cup. He was once again filled with the regret that came after he had had too much to drink. But it wasn't as bad as the other times when he had had no one to make him feel better. He could feel Jinki close to him and that only, worked wonders to get him back to himself.

'I woke up and... for a second there, I thought you had left...' he shared as he looked down to the other who was now kneeling at his side.

Jinki looked away. 'I...' He stopped.

'What?' Jonghyun immediately sought.

'Don't tell me you're still leaving,' the blonde burst out nervously when he got no answer.

Jinki got up and walked back to the armchair he had settled in earlier. He picked up the already damaged ticket he had left on the table and without more thought, ripped it in many pieces, letting them fall down to the floor.

He caught Jonghyun's astounded look. 'To be honest, I was still debating this morning. I... I was just so scared...' he admitted.

'I'm still scared,' he then pointed out before sitting down.

Jonghyun frowned. 'Scared of what?'

'Scared that we're just going to hurt each other even more... that things are going to end badly...'

'There's always a risk, Jinki,' Jonghyun reminded. 'In every relationship we get into, we take the chance of getting hurt, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try.'

Jinki rubbed the back of his neck. 'I know that, Jjong. But... what I feel for you...' He took a deep breath. 'Even though I've experienced much pain through breakups, I don't think I'd be able to face us not being together anymore,' he croaked as he felt his throat tighten.

Jonghyun was finally hit with the other's pain. He was finally seeing how much the other had been hurting all this time.

'Jinki...' He moved off the couch and forwardly placed himself into his lap. 'I don't think I'd be able to face us not being together now...' He brought a hand to his cheek, caressing it softly. 'I just want to be with you,' he signified wholeheartedly.

Jinki looked at him intently. 'Me too.'

Jonghyun pressed his forehead against his. 'Let's not ruin it this time, okay?'

'Okay.' Jinki inched closer to capture his lips, feeling the weight on his chest dissipate as they kissed softly.

Jonghyun pulled away. 'I'm sorry I made you rip that ticket,' he said.

Jinki couldn't help but laugh. 'It's not the first time that's happened.'

Jonghyun cocked an eyebrow. 'Really?' 

'Yeah... I've always been quite indecisive.'

Jonghyun snorted. 'You can be that way because you're rich.'

Jinki laughed again. 'Yeah, that sure helps.'

The blonde joined into the laughter before his face grew serious again. 'Where did you go last time?'

'When I left you the letter?' Jinki verified.

Jonghyun nodded.

'I just drove for a few hours and stopped in a random town. I just liked the feel of it and then found a place nearby that was for rent,' the older one simply laid out.

'Aaah, I see...' Jonghyun acknowledged. He then looked down, thinking. 'I say we do it together this time,' he finally proposed as he met his eyes again.

'Seriously?' Jinki exclaimed in disbelief.

'Yes. I need a change of air and I think that'd give us a fresh start,' the younger one exposed.

Jinki was convinced, but still felt like it was too good to be true. 'But what about work? I mean I'm guessing you had to work to keep this place...'

'I quit not long ago,' Jonghyun filled in. 'Actually... I quit a day after you came to my apartment,' he completed as he had suddenly been hit by that realization.

Jinki's brows furrowed. 'Why?'

'I guess I really thought I could move on... I just wanted to completely start anew, but of course, I failed...'

Jinki wrapped his arms around his waist. 'Like you said, we can get a fresh start together.' He pulled him closer to him. 'So let's do it.'

Jonghyun felt overwhelmed by the happiness he was feeling right now. What he had yearned for and dreamed of for so long was finally unravelling into a world of possibilities. He felt his lips tremble and soon the tears fell along his face.

'What's the matter?' Jinki sought in a worried voice.

'Nothing... I'm just... it's just catching up to me... You're here and I'm just so happy,' he explained through sobs.

Jinki held him tight, planting a few kisses in the crook of his neck as he felt him relax against him.

Jonghyun wiped off the remaining dampness that was on his cheeks as he pulled back. 'Okay, I'll start gathering my stuff.'

Jinki smiled after giving a quick nod. He was in luck; this time he was holding on to something that was worth it. He was sure of it.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jonghyun had put the last of his bags into the other's car trunk. In all honesty, they didn't take much place compared to what the other had already put in there.

'How long had you planned on travelling?' he asked, intrigued.

'Well it was a one-way ticket so... I didn't really know when I was coming back,' he replied honestly.

'Oh...' Jonghyun shut the trunk's lid close and walked up to the first door on his side. He opened it and settled himself in the passenger seat as the other simultaneously mimicked his gesture.

Jinki put the key in the ignition. 'Do you need to stop somewhere else first?'

'Yeah, I need to see Minho.'

'Of course,' Jinki realized. He started the car and a few seconds later, they hit the road, Jonghyun giving him indications on how to get there as he drove them further and further away from his apartment.

Less than half an hour later, the car stopped in front of a little house.

'It won't be long,' Jonghyun told him before he stepped out.

The blonde made his way quickly to the front door and rung the bell, feeling a little nervous all of a sudden. He heard movement inside and in a matter of seconds, the door opened before him.

Minho's eyes widened in surprise. 'Jjong...' he let out in a confused tone.

'Is everything alright? What happened with Jinki?' he interrogated fervently.

It was Jonghyun's turn to look surprised. 'How did you know I was with him?'

Minho crossed his arms. 'Well you apparently forgot you had me on the line,' he emphasized with a little annoyance before continuing. 'I waited and then I heard you speak again with someone else, and even though I wasn't totally sure it was him, I kind of figured you wouldn't have let anyone else in at that moment.'

Jonghyun bit his lip. 'I'm sorry I didn't pick up the phone, it totally flew out of my mind...'

'It's fine, Jjong,' Minho reassured. 'So what happened?' he reiterated with much curiosity.

'We worked things out. He's waiting for me in the car...' Jonghyun revealed partly, unable to get the whole story out at once.

'Oh, wow... I...' Minho took a deep breath. 'I'm so happy for you,' he formulated after taking a brief moment to process the news.

'Thank you.' Jonghyun felt blessed that his best friend was so understanding. He owed him so much; without him he clearly wouldn't have made it through.

And that's why he felt incredibly bad to be asking more of him in that moment. But he'd make sure to repay him in every way possible when he'd get back.

'Minho...' he started softly. He caught the earnest expression that settled on the younger one's face at the sound of his name. 'We're leaving for a while... I don't know how long, but... But we just need to get away from everything,' he informed with uneasiness.

Minho's mouth dropped as he took in his words. After a few seconds, he moved closer to his friend and held him into a tight embrace. 'I understand, Jjong,' he whispered against his ear.

Jonghyun let out a sigh of relief and held him back.

'I know I've already asked a lot of you but-'

'What do you need?' Minho cut him off, after releasing him from his arms.

Jonghyun felt warmed up by the other's unshakable support. 'I've already paid the landlord for this month, but just in case I don't make it back before the next payment...' He took out his wallet and placed a sum of money into his hand. 'Could you take care of it for me, please?'

'Sure, Jjong,' Minho instantly took on.

The blonde's lips stretched into a wide smile. 'Thanks, I'll text you his number if it comes to that.'

Minho answered with a curt nod. 'I just have one favor to ask,' the brunette suddenly signified.

'What?'

'Can I talk to Jinki for a sec?'

'Yeah...' Jonghyun said despite being perplexed. He lead the way to the other's car and tapped on the window to let him know of their presence. It instantly slid down, revealing him to them both.

'I won't be long,' Minho indicated to his friend as he opened the door on his side. He slid himself in before pulling the door shut and pushing back up the window. He then looked to the older one.

'I'm glad you came to see him,' he blatantly uttered.

Jinki shifted in his seat, feeling like there was something else underlying those words.

'And I'm glad you two worked things out. He already looks so much better,' Minho went on, not waiting for any kind of answer.

'But as glad as I am that my friend's finally happy, I'm still on my guards with you,' he finally emitted.

Jinki felt his chest constrict as the air became heavy.

'You best believe I'll smash your face in if he comes back even more damaged than he was before,' Minho warned in a threatening voice.

Jinki kept his gaze straight on the wheel, knowing there was nothing he could say to counter his words. Making promises on uncertainties was never a good thing.

'Okay so now that that's out of the way, I hope you two have a lovely time together,' Minho concluded as he held his hand out.

Jinki grasped it and they shook hands.

Minho then stepped out of the car and faced his best friend one last time.

'Have fun, Jjong,' he said before giving him one more hug.

'I will,' Jonghyun assured him.

They pulled away and the older one watched his friend walk back to his house, feeling a little sad at the thought of leaving him behind for a while.

But he shook it off and climbed back in, immediately catching the other's unsettled expression.

'What did he tell you?' Jonghyun inquired with nervousness.

'Nothing much, really,' Jinki eluded.

'He threatened you, didn't he?' the blonde guessed.

Jinki's shoulders shook with some withheld laughter. 'He might have.'

The younger one huffed. 'I can't believe him...'

This time Jinki's laugh passed through his lips freely. 'It's fine. I think it's nice that he cares so much about you.'

'I guess,' Jonghyun acknowledged with silent gratitude.

The older one started the car again and turned the wheel, getting them back on the road. They both let silence set for a while, looking straight ahead.

'I've never had that, you know?' Jinki suddenly voiced.

Jonghyun turned his head towards him. 'What?'

'A friendship like that...' He admitted.

'Oh... Not even in your relationships?' Jonghyun asked consequently. 

Jinki slightly shook his head from side to side. 'No, I mean...' He sighed. 'I realize that I always took care of them and was there for them, but they never really had that much interest in me to do the same,' he laid out openly.

'That's not how it should be in a relationship,' Jonghyun observed categorically. It frustrated him to know that the one he loved had been mistreated so much.

'I know...' Jinki acknowledged. 'I just needed love and affection, even though I wasn't really getting it,' he pursued, finally glancing at the blonde.

'Jinki...' Jonghyun wanted to find the right words, but he just felt so sad hearing that.

'It's okay. It's all in the past now,' Jinki reassured with a smile.

Jonghyun nodded lightly, still feeling upset.

'None of them actually agreed to go the opera with me even though they didn't like it,' Jinki bantered.

The younger one felt his cheeks heat up. 'Well... I... I really wanted to hang out with you,' he shared with some embarrassment.

'And afterwards, I thought it was really sweet and that's when I also realized it had been stupid of me to get mad at you,' Jinki brought back, remorseful.

'It wasn't stupid,' Jonghyun countered. 'And you got over it, I mean I seriously thought I had ruined everything that night,' he remembered expressively.

'I think that's the first thing that brought us closer...,' Jinki pointed out. 'You're still the only person that's read my stuff,' he then said.

Jonghyun snickered at the thought that had just sparked. 'To be honest, I've thought about throwing out your books numerous times while you were gone, but I just couldn't. Even that letter you left me... I kept reading it. I just... I just kept clinging to your words.'

'I still feel terrible about that.' He looked at him again as he stopped at a red light. 'I know I was a coward... and I'm just so grateful you're giving me a second chance...' He then took his hand in his, intertwining their fingers tightly together.

'I've known for a long time that I want to be with you and all the fighting I did to break that was completely useless,' Jonghyun confessed.

'You told me once that you believed in fate and I think I do too now. I really think it was meant to be,' he kept on as he squeezed his hand.

Jinki agreed through a warm smile.

'Your story never could've ended when ours hasn't even started,' Jonghyun remarked thoughtfully.

'But it did start...' Jinki reminded.

'I know, but I say it really starts now,' Jonghyun decided, his tone filled with a renewed energy.

'I agree, Jinki finally said before flashing a smile, which the other instantly returned.

They both looked ahead again, basking in the promise of making a new story of their own. 


End file.
